Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! [holds them up] I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
Wiggum: Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.
Willie: [surprised] Video game?
Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. [scene shows Burns being loaded into an ambulance] At 3:00 p.m. Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. [still shots of Burns and town hall] Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. [scene shows Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital] He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to "alive". [scene shows Springfield General Hospital] Now let's talk to Police Chief Wiggum.
Wiggum: [eating an ice cream] Oh. Oh, hiya, Kent. Ahem. Uh, right now, we are questioning two witnesses who were in the vicinity at the time.
[scene shows Lou holding a photo of Smithers at someone]
Lou: Did you see this guy? Was he anywhere near the parking lot when Burns got shot?
[camera shows Maggie and SLH being questioned]
Eddie: No, it's no use. They ain't talking.
Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns, even us. [everyone groans in agreement] Bart, he broke your dog's legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad -- well, you kind of went berserk when he couldn't remember your name.
Homer: [shouts] BERSERK IS RIGHT!!![calms down and anxiously speaks softly] May I have some iced tea, please?
Bart: Aren't we forgetting someone...Sister Suspect?
Lisa: [chuckling sheepishly] I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns, they canceled my jazz program, and my friend Tito Puente got fired...but I could never shoot someone.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so!
Homer: [interrupting] Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
Marge: The police already have a suspect: it's Mr. Smithers. [everyone talks about how plausible that is]
Abe: Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse. [leaves]
Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: [gasps] My toolshed! Oh, Dad...
Moe: Hey, Homer: us hotheads here is going to go tear down Burns' sun-blocking machine. You want to come with?
Homer: Sure. I've had it up to here with these damn rickets! [waddles toward tow truck]
Smithers: Mmm...this guilt is driving me mad! I've got to tell someone. [walks into a church and goes to the confession booth] Father, I'm not a Catholic, but...well, I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. But anyway, I've got a...rather large sin to confess. [sniffles] I'm the one who...shot Mr. Burns!
Wiggum: [pokes head out, cocks gun] That's all I needed to hear! Boy, this thing works great.
Smithers: The man became consumed by greed. He'd steal from anyone!
[flashback to first part]
Smithers: This isn't a rival company you're battling with, it's a school. People won't stand for it.
Burns: Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby! Say, that sounds like a larf.
[back to the current time]
Smithers: And when he tried to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
Dr. Colossus: Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to Dr. Colossus! Ah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! [activates his elevation boots until he hits the ceiling failing to escape from his jail cell] Ow! Ugh. When is my lawyer coming?
Shutton: Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper. Who are you? Where are you going?
Kent: Oh, do your research, Shutton! Uh, Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. How does it feel to be accused of the attempted murder of your boss and mentor?
Smithers: Kent, I...I feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
Kent: Oh. I'm going to say "Ouch" for Madonna!
Krusty: [watching on TV] Hey! That's my Madonna gag. That guy stole my gag!
Sideshow Mel: And you stole it from last Friday's episode of "Pardon My Zinger".
Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference?
Sideshow Mel: Mr. Smithers must have seen that program too! He never misses it. [puffs pipe] Hmm...at the town meeting, he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that, as it seemed quite unusual. Ye Gods! To the police station, Krusty.
Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin van Horne. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty: Hey hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers: you have arrested an innocent man.
Wiggum: Really? Ah, geez. [releases Dr. Colossus from his jail cell] All right, Colossus. You're free to go, but stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: [disappointed as he leaves] All my stuff is there.
Sideshow Mel: Ahem-hem-hem-hem! I was referring to Waylon Smithers. Mr. Burns was shot Friday at 3 p.m., the very time that Smithers was at home watching "Pardon My Zinger". So you see, he couldn't have done it.
Smithers: [gasps] Yes, you're right! I remember now, I watched that entire show. In fact...
[flash to shot of Smithers's feet weaving down sidewalk]
Smithers: [voice-over] I left the town meeting early so I could get home in time. [in a flashback; slurred] Ohh, I've got to run or I'll miss the opening rank-out. [a shadow approaches in front] Get of my way, please...
Jasper: Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walking, not for fancy walking.
Smithers: Get out of my way, I'm in a hurry.
Jasper: You simmer down, I'll let you go. [Smithers pulls a gun, shoots]
[back to the current time]
Smithers: So...instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
Krusty: About 50,000 volts worse, if you know what I mean! [makes electrocuting sound effects] Eeeh! Bzzz! Sizzle!
Jasper: You shot who in the what, now?
Kent Brockman: And with the prime suspect cleared and found completely innocent, we must now ask ourselves: who could possibly be as bloodthirsty as Waylon Smithers?
Marge: I guess it's never the most likely suspect.
Lisa: Actually, Mom, in 95% of cases, it is. The rest of the time, it's usually some deranged lunatic who did it for no reason.
[everyone looks at Homer]
Homer: Hey! I had a damn good reason. He could never remember my name.
[flashback to part one]
Burns: Who the devil are you?
Homer: [loses it, rushes Burns] Homer Simpson!
Burns: You're just babbling incoherently.
Homer: My name is Homer Simpson...
[back to the current time]
Lisa: Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
Abe: Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
Marge: Mmmmm...I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
Bart: Who wants chocolate ice cream?
Homer: Me, me, me!
Wiggum: OK, boys, we've got a clue: the bullet they took out of Burns. Now, let's discuss the, um...[picks up an Agatha Christie book] mo-tive.
Lisa: Mr. Burns is the richest man in town. Maybe it's about money.
Wiggum: That's some good thinkin', Lou.
Lou: Aw, thanks, Chief.
Lisa: [below desk level] Hey! I said that. My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in the Burns case. Look! [holds up a card] Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially. Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns' negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed, Barney lost his only means of support: sucking coins out of the Love Tester machine. Dedicated educator Principal Seymour Skinner: his school lost millions when Burns pirated its oil well. And grounds tender Groundskeeper Willy: he lost his job and his dream of owning a fine crystal slop bucket.
Wiggum: Hey, what about that jazz teacher that got laid off? You know, uh, Mr. Samba? Senor Mambo? What was it?
Lisa: Tito Puente?
Lisa: Well, he did vow revenge, heh heh. [pause] But I can't see him doing something illegal. He's in show business, he's a celebrity....
Wiggum: Let's roll, boys.
Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge: uno, dos, tres!
[band starts playing salsa music]
Singer: Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song. Burns will always carry with him. [shot of Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou bobbing to the beat] So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor. With this vengeful Latin rhythm. [shots of chef with tray of clams opening their mouths in rhythm and man at condom machine buying many condoms]
Chorus: Burns! [trumpet riff]
Singer: Con un corazon de perro.
Chorus: Senor Burns! [trumpet riff]
Singer: El diablo con dinero. [mambo riff] It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you. Please die, and fry in hell. You rotten rich old wretch. Adios viejo! [trumpet riff; end of song]
Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
Skinner: I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage makeup...
[flashback to Skinner in washroom]
Skinner: [with eyeshadow and lipstick on] Blast! I took Mother's makeup kit by mistake.
Chalmers: [walking in] Ooh, er, excuse me, ma'am.
Skinner: [gasps] Superintendent Chalmers!
Chalmers: [slowly] Oh my God... [a shot is heard outside]
[back to the current time]
Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Skinner: Oh, yes. But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
Marge: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't in there. Have you seen it?
Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher?" "Who threw a cane at the TV?" "Who fell into the china hutch?"
Marge: I was just asking if you've seen it. There's no need for you to be a prickly pear. (Walks away)
Grampa: (Holds up gun and strokes it) Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad.
Marge: Were you talking to me?
Lisa: (slowly, in Chief Wiggum's dream) Chief… Wiggum… Don't… Eat … The clues…
(Chief Wiggum finds a flaming card, while Lisa holds up another flaming card.)
Lisa: (slowly) This suit burns better… Look!
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: (slowly, holding the card closer) Better… Look! Burns' suit…
Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: (slowly) Burns' suit! Burns' suit!
Chief Wiggum: Huh?
Lisa: (normal voice) Look at Burns' suit! Geesh!
(Eddie wakes Chief Wiggum up from his dream.)
Eddie: Hey, Chief. I have an idea. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he was shot?
Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same dream with backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
Eddie: (hastily) I'll drive.
DNA Guy: Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours?
Wiggum: No. We need to find out who it belonged to. We want a DNA test.
DNA Guy: Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, 8 to 10 weeks.
Wiggum: [sighs, hands him a carton of cigarettes]
DNA Guy: Did I say weeks? 'Cause I meant seconds. [runs over to another machine, grabs a card from it; puts it in a computer]
Wiggum: What do you got, the whole town's DNA on file?
DNA guy: Y'uh huh. If you've ever handled a penny, the government's got your DNA. Why do you think they keep 'em in circulation?
Mr. Burns: (wakes up) Homer Simpson!
Eddie: Bingo! The gunman has a name-o!
(The police barge into the Simpson home.)
Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum! What's going on? What are you doing?
Chief Wiggum: I'm sorry, kid. We found Simpson DNA on Mr. Burns' suit, and your father was identified by the old man himself.
(The Simpsons all gasp.)
Bart: (scoffing) DNA, positive ID. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, Dad!
(Bart pushes Homer towards the door.)
Lou: (Holds up a gun) Hey, Chief! Look what I found underneath Homer Simpson's car seat.
(Lou and Eddie check the gun for fingerprints.)
Homer: I swear! I've never seen that gun before!
Eddie: Oh, really? Then why are your fingerprints on it, sir?
(Eddie holds up Homer's glass, which has the same fingerprints as the gun.)
Chief Wiggum: (pulls out a bullet from the gun.) This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns! Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
(Chief Wiggum handcuffs Homer)
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say, "D'oh."
Wiggum: We need two cups of coffee, and two orders of bite-sized breakfast pancakes. With extra dipping sauce.
Kid: Please pull up to the service window, please.
Wiggum: [tries] The wagon's too tall! Oh, I don't want to have to get out. Ehh, I'll just drive up on the curb. [does so, leans out window to grab order; van starts tipping]
Wiggum: Almost got it...
Lou: Drop the food, chief! [van falls over; back door opens and Homer stands up] [Jasper pulls up in an old car]
Jasper: [honks] Damn fools! Drive-thru's not for a-parking. [floors it, then skids to halt, pushing the van out forward; Homer hobbles in front of it, trying to avoid it]
Kid: Diane? I'm going to take my break now.
Dr. Nick: Hi Everybody!
Mr. Burns: Ho...mer...Simp...son!
Dr. Nick: Okay... That was a little strange... Umm... Tell me, how are you feeling today?
Mr. Burns: Homer... Simpson, Homer... D'oh... Simpson.
Dr. Nick: Hmm... That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?
Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer! Mr. Burns said he did it, they found his DNA on Mr. Burns' suit.
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA; it could have come from any of us! Well, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No! No, no. When I took your father's name I took everything that came with it, including DNA!
Lisa: Um...(rolls her eyes) Okay, Mom. But like I'm saying, the evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints; they could have gotten on the gun some other way.
[flashback to Lisa in the car with Homer]
Lisa: Are you sure you don't want me to hold one of your ice cream cones?
Homer: [driving with his knees] Pfft. Yeah, right. You chose fruit, you live with fruit. [one scoop falls out of the cone] D'oh! [reaches under seat] [touches Pipin' Hot Bread 8-track] No...[touches a pineapple air freshener] No... [touches gun] No... [touches lollipop] Ew! Why is this on the floor [puts it in his pocket]
[back to current time]
Lisa: And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.
Marge: No, we can't start thinking that way about our own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart.
Wiggum: Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. [holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt] And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing... whew! Heh... has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon?
Smithers: Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture: dead or alive. [everyone bustles off]
Wiggum: Oh, wow. Me first! Me first!
Burns: Homer Simpson?
Homer: So, you finally learned my name, eh?
Burns: [shaking head] Homer Simpson.
Homer: I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you... [reaches to strangle Burns]
Apu: Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.
Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! [they open the door]
Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!
Homer: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.
Burns: [grunting] What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
Homer: [loses it] D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns: say I never shot you! Before.
Burns: Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--[looks around, sees his assailant] Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson!
Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
Mr. Burns: (telling what happened after he got shot) Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial.
Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson.
Mr. Burns: What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers.
Marge: Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize…
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid that's insufficient! (to Chief Wiggum) Officer, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: (chuckles) Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. (thinks to himself) Maybe Texas…
Marge: Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident.
(Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.)
Eddie: [administering a lie detector test] Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [the test buzzes] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] _A_ date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz, he responds weakly] Sears catalog. [ding, he responds angrily] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]