|White Christmas Blues||
- Ned: Children, perhaps it's time that I explain the true meaning of Christmas.
- Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
- Ned: Okily-dokily.
- Lisa: OK Bart, open your present, it's the one I'm excited most about.
- Bart: Plastic bubbling vomit, plastic bubbling vomit. (Bart unwraps the present Lisa has given him and he finds he has got a book) (horrified) What? Lis, you're smart. Why would you give me a book? 'Cause it's easy to wrap?
- Lisa: Nothing is easy to wrap. I have trouble with scissors. (runs out crying)
- (All the B&B's mutter in disbelief)
- Gloria: Marge, the brochure promised us a happy Christmas.
- Marge: My uncle died in your bed. Merry Christmas!
- Lisa: Bart, you were right.
- Bart: If you smell your farts in your dream, you die?
- Lisa: No, about Christmas. So I went out this morning and I got you this. It's a tablet with books on it, but also with apps on it, like Worms with Friends.
- (Lisa taps the tablet screen and a picture of Milhouse comes up with worms in his mouth speaking incoherently)
- Bart: (pleased) Wow! But how did you afford it?
- Lisa: I sold the gift you gave me, get the twist?
- Bart: Obviously, you're saying it's from Maggie, but actually it's from you. Thanks Lise, now why don't you donate that to whatever hopeless cause you want.
- Lisa: Thanks, Bart. This will make a lot of Arctic loons very happy.
- Lisa: Dad, stop!
- Homer: What I'm saving them from the struggle of life.
- Lisa: Well at least you're eating vegetables.
- Homer: Vegetables?! (spits the radish seeds out)
- Krusty: Due to modern sensitivity, we've been asked to block any violent images that appear in this children's cartoon. Oh, my God! I never watched one of these sober! I gotta get this bloodbath off my kids' show!
- (Krusty throws a pie at the camera and a caption appears on screen with "We Will Right Back" but after Itchy rips out Scratchy's vertebrae out of his back and throws it)
- Krusty: Damn it!
- Bart: Aw, geez, when did everything turn to crap?
- Marge: Bart, don't use language like that. Man, things sure have turned to crap.
- Homer: Snow? (laughs hysterically) Snow!
- (Bart and Lisa gasp)
- Homer: Oh, you know what this means, kids?
- (Bart and Lisa gasp)
- Homer: I don't have to pick up the dog poops! (cries with happiness)
- Marge: (sighs) Sorry kids, I guess the hats and mittens will have to wait until next year.
- (Bart and Lisa groan)
- Mayor Quimby: Don't you idiots see what this means?
- Lenny: (angrily) Idiots? Why did we re-elect this guy?
- Carl: Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.
- Mayor Petrovichnyamilenkossarian: Who wants bumper sticker?
- Lisa: Now Dad, I'd like to give you your present.
- Homer: You got me weed?
- Lisa: Even better, they're bags of seeds, so that you can plant a garden and watch it grow.
- Homer: That's great sweetie, after all that time and hard work I'll have (angered) radishes, it's the most hated part of salad which is the most hated part of dinner, radishes, nothing but radishes.