Waylon Smithers (assistant to Mister Burns)
Waylon Smithers is Mr. Burns' right-hand man at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Whether it's pulling a rickshaw, moistening his eyeballs, or lying to Congress, Smithers cheerfully donates his time and services to his grandly exalted, highly esteemed, and strangely fascinating boss. If the situation warrants, he is also required to donate any needed organs.
Quote: "Mr. Burns isn't just my heartless money-grubbing boss, he's also my best friend."
Special skills: Bootlicking, ass-kissing, cajoling, wheedling, brown-nosing, fawning, flattering, soft-soaping, lick-spittling, kowtowing, groveling, belly-crawling, ego-stroking, truckling, toadying, apple-polishing, backslapping, butter-uppering, sweet-talking, sniveling, bowing, and scraping.
Most irritating responsibility: Reminding Mr. Burns of who Homer Simpson is.
Haberdashery distinctions: Bow ties, argyle socks, straw boaters, crisply pressed slacks, and natty collegiate attire.
Artistic pursuits: Penned a musical about Malibu Stacy, delicately rendered the indelible beauty of Mr. Burns in cray pas.
Occasional alter ego: "Snappy" the Alligator.
Political affiliation: Log Cabin Republican.
Allergies: Bee stings.
[Caption of Homer at the bottom of the page saying "Mr. Smithers likes me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."]