Krusty the Clown: That's right! I'm introducing a new line of candy so delicious that the Krusty Corporation board of directors will stop threatening to oust me! (drum roll) Presenting: Krustaceans! They look like shrimp, they taste like candy, and they're organic! Uh... "Clown eats snack"? Uh-oh, this could get ugly.
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey, kids! Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket!
Bart: (eating the candy) Mmm! They are good!
Lisa: How did you get them so fast?
Bart: I'm a Krusty Prime member. Seventy five dollars a month, but it's worth it.
Homer: I was in line for that job and I lost it to someone who barely speaks English! It's humidifying.
Homer's Ambition: Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it?
Homer: Huh? Who said that?
Homer's Ambition: Me!
Homer: Who are you?
Homer's Ambition:I'm your ambition!
Homer: How come I never met you before?
Homer's Ambition: I've been locked up for thirty years years by Apathy and Alcoholism!
Homer: Guys, is there something wrong with the way I dress?
Lenny: No. If you're a typewriter salesman in nineteen fifty three.
Carl: Also, for a guy, you show way too much cleavage.
Homer: Hey, these two have gotten me out of so many traffic tickets!
Carl: Look man, if people think your clothes are outdated, they'll think you're outdated.
Homer: Lenny wears suspenders.
Lenny: Correction: I rock suspenders!
Kent Brockman: Well Jimmy, I was embedded with the 98th Airborne. My lullaby was the thwap-thwap-thwap of the blades of a Chinook.
Veteran: I was in the 98th Airborne. I don't remember him.
Grampa: I don't even remember what I said at the start of this sentence!
Veteran: That didn't happen, man!!
Grampa: Oh, you Iraq War vets are always complaining! (mocking him) "That didn't happen!" "The temperature was one hundred and twenty five!" "The U.S.O. show was Rob Schneider!" "American objectives have been, and remain, incomprehensible!" Wah-wah-wah.
Kent Brockman: (on TV) This is Kent Brockman with a humble apology. You know, we in the news business like to report the story, we don't like to be the story, that's what I said to Nelson Mandela atop the Berlin Wall ba... No, I didn't. That's the problem!
Marge: Now you're not eating!
Homer: I can't eat when I'm watching the spectacle of an imploding celebrity.
Bart: We have lip-quiver, people.
Homer: Geez, I'm really gonna miss Anderson Cooper.
Marge: That wasn't Anderson Cooper.
Homer: Oh, thank God!
Homer: Marge, I think I may have to get new clothes.
'Marge: At last!
Homer: It's time for me to project the image of a powerful self-reliant man! Will you take me shopping after school?
Ralph: I call these "num-nums" because they make my fingers numb!
Lisa: Hmm... I don't think candy should give me a tingling in my left arm.
Bart: I'm gonna prove to you that Krusty is a good clown with nonlethal candy! (to Otto) Hey Otto-man, can you take us to the food processing district?
Otto: No way, Bartman.
Bart: Hey Otto, I just remembered, we have a field trip to the food processing district.
Otto: Oh man, we're late!
Marge: My husband needs a complete makeover.
Raphael: Well, thank you, lady with the beehive hair! (measures Homer with a measuring tape)
Homer: Ooh! Intimate but heterosexual.
Kent Brockman: Well, we've got a nice looking couple here!
Homer: Walk away, Marge. Just walk away. I'm holding my sharpest key!
Marge: Wait, Homie. It's Kent Brockman. The man who betrayed our trust.
Kent Brockman: I'm producing my own news content now! Could you spare a few sound bites for this rudderless anchor?
Homer: Forget it! We only like newspeople we can trust. So no newspeople!
Lisa: This candy is reeking with chemicals! Just once I'd like to be wrong.
Bart: Well, from what I read in your diary, you're rarely right. (Lisa groans)
Lisa: Your accent is so interesting. Where are you from?
UberKid Cyclist: Uh... Small town in Latvia, you don't know it.
Lisa: Well, I'd like to hear!
Bart: Why do you have to make friends with everyone?
Kent's Agent: Kent, as your agent, I promise we will find you something. Or so help me, we will drop you. That's a promise!
Kent Brockman: Well, could you, uh... Get me on Fox News?
Kent's Agent: Would you be willing to call yourself a liberal and lose every discussion?
Kent Brockman: Every single one?
Kent's Agent: Okay, you've already asked too many questions, the offer's dead.
Homer: Hey, guys! Notice anything different?
Carl: Whoa, whoa! impressive! Italian?
Homer: Oh-ho! Better. Connecticut! (laughs) Yeah, I think I'm gonna go into old man Burns and say "Here is a leader of men! and women!" Because that's what you have to say now.
Carl: High five, man! (hi-fives Homer)
Lenny: Why do we call it "high five" when we only have four fingers?
Carl: You know, I've always wondered that.
Professor Frink: Lisa, these vials are filled with formaldehyde. Formaldehyde! Do you understand? Do not imbibe!
Bart: Check! No imbibing. (eats some Krustaceans)
Lisa: Bart! Imbibing is eating, and formaldehyde is poison.
Bart: Oh, you take all the fun out of eating poison!
Lisa: You're just an apologist for Krusty.
Bart: I am not a paid apologist for Krusty!
Lisa: I didn't say "paid".
Bart: Got to go! (enters one of the machines in Frink's lab) I'll see you in the future! (activates the machine)
Professor Frink: Uh, that's just my bathing suit dryer. I, uh... Yes. (Bart leaves the machine on fire)
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, thinking dark and suicidal thoughts. It's quiet here in the gutter. Very quiet.
Homeless man: Well, it was!
Dan Rather: Kent, why are you doing this? Why did you get into this business?
Kent Brockman: Money, women, free coffee. The usual.
Dan Rather: Sir, if you please, these days, a bona fide uncorrupted story is rarer than a snake with Sneakers. It's harder to find than a yellow-fronted bowerbird. Jump on it, hoss! And ride till Gramma churns the buttermilk! That's when the barn dance starts.
Kent Brockman: What is that feeling? Is it... integrity?
Homer: Well Marge, I was humiliated by Mr. Burns, it's true. But to me, this is nothing more than a temporary setback.
Marge: Good for you, Homie. I'm proud of you!
Homer: Hey, Homer Simpson is not deterred by a footprint on his suit! It will come out, right?
Marge: I don't know.
Kent Brockman: Krusty, we have evidence that your product is laced with toxic additives!
Krusty: Yeah, so why you bothering me?
Lisa: Because your tasty little treat did this! (opens the van's door and shows Ralph to him)
Ralph: I made the doctor cry!
Krusty: They told me the paralysis would be temporary! Five years tops! Seriously, come on, that kid wasn't going anywhere anyway.
Kent Brockman: It looks like this clown could not formalde-hide the truth! This is Kent Brockman, saying...
Krusty: No! I'm gonna sing Beatles songs so you can't afford to show this video! A-one, two, three, four!
Kent Brockman: turns off the recording) Too late!
Lisa: Is that enough?
Grampa: Are you kidding? You got Hollywood's highest honor: shared credit, no money.
Arnie Pye: I've been informed that this is my last newscast as anchor of the Channel 6 News. Before I go, I'd like to get a few things off my chest: I've made out with Kent's daughter. The grown-up one!!
Kent Brockman: Are you almost through?
Arnie Pye: In a hurry to fail again, Kent?!
Kent Brockman:No, it's just I've been off the air for six weeks, and it was torture. Sometimes I'd watch Bill O'Reilly and pretend it was an older, stupider version of me.
Arnie Pye: Go ahead, take your chair. Do what you do best. (leaves)