|Treehouse of Horror XXII||
- Marge: (to Bart, Lisa and Maggie) Fee-fi-fo-fum, give me all your candy and gum!
- Bart: Who are you and why do you want our candy?
- Homer: Your mother is the switch witch! A sort of tooth fairy dealie.
- Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items! Plain brown toothbrushes, (puts a toothbrush in Lisa's bag) unflavored dental floss, (puts a box of dental floss in Maggie's bag) and fun-sized mouthwashes! (puts a mouthwasher bottle in Bart's bag) TSA approved!
- Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.
The Diving Bell and the Butterball
- Homer: Ok. I'm the floor. I can't move. So far, a normal Sunday morning...
- Homer: Halloween: the one time of the year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.
- Homer: For further communication, I will require more beans.
- Chief Wiggum: They say no two ass webs are the same.
Dial D for Diddily
- Ned Flanders: Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.
- Ned: (narrating, watching Mr. Burns dump nuclear waste at a lake) All these years, I thought murder was a sin. Then, I got new instructions from the good Lord himself in his favorite language: English.
- God: Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes!
- Ned: Are you sure, Lord?
- God: If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water. Now I've got to go! A hip-hop star is thanking me at the VMAs.
- Homer: (on a microphone, pretending to be God) Okay, stupid Flanders. First, I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor who gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
- Ned: (on the radio, sighs) Really?
- Homer: Come on! God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament! (Bart enters the room)
- Bart: Hey, dad.
- Homer: Hey, Bart! Uh, I mean, Jesus. (covers up the microphone) Hey, son. You want Flanders to kill anybody? He's totally in my power!
- Bart: Well, there's a tall boy in front of me in class so I can't see the board.
- Homer: (on the microphone) And I sayeth unto you, slay every tall boy in town! (Homer and Bart hi-five each other)
- Ned: (enters the room) Homer Simpson!
- Homer: Aah!
- Ned: You made a killer out of me! (shows him a bible with a speaker on the cover)
- Homer: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?
- Ned: I'm going to kill you!
- Homer: Aah!!
- Ned: Because of you, I'm going to Hell!
- Homer: Language.
- Ned: Hell! Damn! Backside! Nothing matters anymore! I'm goin' down and my hand-basket seats two!
In the Na'vi
- Chalmers: (to the troops) People, you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy! Extreme temperatures, vicious indigenous life forms! Are there any questions? (Cletus raises his hand) Yes?
- Cletus: Are we in Kansas anymore?
- Chalmers: No!
- Brandine: Well, are we in Nebraska?
- Chalmers: No! We are not in any state!
- Cletus: Oh... oh... is it Michigan?
- Chalmers: Nobody talk anymore!
- Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.
- Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray me on me on the planet that got me laid?