|Treehouse of Horror XII||
Hex and the City
- Gypsy: [reading Marge's fortune] I sense you live with much misery.
- [Homer bursts in, chuckling and carrying a balloon that says "Birthday Boy."]
- Homer: The perfect crime. [suddenly serious] Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday.
- Gypsy: I sense I should not take ... a check! [glares at Homer]
- [At the bar, Moe suggests that Homer use a Leprechaun to get rid of the Gypsy's curse.]
- Carl: You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a Leprechaun cured that right up.
- Lenny: Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six Leprechauns.
- Carl: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with a Leprechaun.
- [The Leprechaun and the Gypsy have just gotten married. Marge and Homer are at the wedding.]
- Marge: The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here.
- Homer: Yep. Everything worked out for the best.
- Marge: What?! Bart is dead!
- Homer: Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
- Marge: The Gypsy said it would.
- Homer: [stubbornly] She's not the boss of me.
- Marge: Morning!
- [Homer, Bart and Lisa notice Marge has grown a beard and moustache from her hair]
- Marge: Mmm.. so it is noticeable.
- Lisa: What happened?
- Marge: I don't know - I woke up like this.
- Bart: Oh, cool! You could be in a freak show!
- Homer: Don't talk to the bearded lady like that, you little --! :[Homer chokes Bart and his neck grows to twice its length and when Homer stops strangling him, Bart's head tips over backwards over the back of his chair]
- Marge: Gee, you strangle him all the time and that never happens.
- Homer: Oh, it's fine! It's just a growth spurt! [coiling Bart's neck] Good as new! [Bart's neck constantly flips, and Homer has to keep fixing up its balance] There! Right as rain! [Bart's head falls onto the table]
- Marge: Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse! We're all being punished because YOU trashed her office.
- Homer: Marge, that curse is just a lot of silly superstition. [to Lisa] Right, Lisa?
- [Lisa stomps one of her new horse hooves two times]
- Homer: See? 2 means yes!
House of Whacks
- [The Ultrahouse 3000 has just served the Simpsons dinner.]
- Homer: Mmmm ... various eggs.
- Lisa: Soy-ghetti-Os!
- Bart: Hey, Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods?
- Ultrahouse: [Pierce Brosnan voice] I analyzed your... um... leavings.
- [The Simpsons are impressed. They eat dinner.]
- Marge: Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes?
- Ultrahouse: Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?
- [Marge giggles.]
- Ultrahouse: No, I'm asking.
- Marge: Oh... uh... Not a very good one?
- Ultrahouse: Damn straight.
- [In the bathroom, water is running in the bathtub. Marge starts to take off her bathrobe to get into the tub.]
- Ultrahouse 3000: Hello, Marge.
- Marge: [closing her robe and gasping] Oh, my!
- Ultrahouse: Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips.
- Marge: Heh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget. [chuckles nervously, takes off robe, gets into tub]
- [The Ultrahouse's camera lens zooms in on Marge as she settles into the tub.]
- Ultrahouse: [quietly] Ooooh, yes. [The Ultrahouse lights the candles around the tub.]
- Marge: Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect!
- Ultrahouse: Isn't it just. It gets better.
- Marge: Oh, you don't have to do any- [The bubbles turn on in the tub.] Oooohhhh. Oh, oh, Pierce ... that's goooood ... mmmmmm ...
- Ultrahouse: Oh, oh, dear me. [clears fogged-up camera lens with a tiny windshield wiper] Oh, yes. Yum-yum-yum.
- [The next morning, the Ultrahouse 3000 opens the blinds in the bedroom, awakening Marge.]
- Ultrahouse: Good morning, Marge.
- Marge: [yawns] Good morning, Pierce. [notices that Homer is gone] Where's Homer?
- Ultrahouse: Uhhhhh, I think he went to work early.
- Marge: That sounds like a lie.
- [Marge glances at a family photo and gasps as she notices that Homer has been replaced by one of the Ultrahouse's camera lenses. She picks up the phone and dials.]
- Marge: [quietly] Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband!
- Ultrahouse: [on the phone] This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.
- [The Simpsons run to the basement to disable the Ultrahouse 3000's central processor. Homer grabs an axe and starts swinging wildly.]
- Homer: Die, you monster! [keeps swinging]
- Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener!
- Homer: [sarcastically] Well, I am missing the back of my head! I think you could cut me some slack?
- Ultrahouse: Homer, No! (Homer attacks Ultrahouse using Axe to open the Charm Unit)
- Homer: I'm going to enjoy this. (He removes Charm Unit on Ultrahouse)
- Ultrahouse: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! (The System for Ultrahouse automatic shut down while he saying bucket) eh... Thanks a lot, ass-wipe! (Distorted) I could've kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat slime.... bucket.
- [At Springwart's School of Magicry ...]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads.
- [The class complies, and Mrs. Krabappel goes to Milhouse's desk.]
- Milhouse: [waving wand over toad] Slimy Prince Limey! [His toad turns into a drunken, loutish man in Elizabethan-era attire.]
- Drunken Prince: [to Mrs. Krabappel] Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss, then. [puckers up]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [scoffing] You call that charming? [She moves on to Lisa.]
- Lisa: [waving wand] Hocus-croakus! [Her toad turns into a handsome young man in a suit with a Union-Jack vest.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, excellent, Lisa. A-plus. [aside to Lisa's prince] And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast. [She giggles.]
- Handsome Prince: [gulping and chuckling nervously] Yes, rather.
- [Mrs. Krabappel moves on to Bart's desk.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night, or [sarcastically] did your fairy godmother die again?
- Bart: I studied! [waves wand hesitantly] Abra-ca ... turn into a prince guy? [His toad turns into a hideous toad-prince creature that constantly vomits.]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Sloppy work as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you've sinned against nature.
- Toad-Prince Creature: Please kill me.
- [In his lair, Lord Montymort spies on the classroom.]
- Montymort: Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh, Slithers! [Slithers enters.]
- Slithers: Yes, Lord Montymort?
- Montymort: Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.
- [Annoyed, Montymort puts on a helmet and gestures at the wall. Shackled to the wall is Ralph Wiggum, who is wearing a helmet identical to Montymort's and connected to it by a tube. Lumps of something are moving along the tube from Ralph's head to Montymort's.]
- Ralph: [laughing] Dying tickles!
- [At the magical recital, Milhouse's attempt at the Invisibility Cloak has just gone severely awry, leaving him standing on stage naked. He runs offstage, crying.]
- Principal Skinner: [murmuring] That was terrible. [louder, to the audience] I'll just sprinkle you all with some Amnesia Dust!
- [Skinner sprinkles the dust over the audience and they applaud. Skinner moves on to introducing the next student.]
- Skinner: A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people!
- Audience: Eeeeeewwwwwww!!
- [Skinner sprinkles Amnesia Dust over the audience again, and they laugh.]
- Dragon: [Roars like a T-Rex from Jurassic Park]