|Treehouse of Horror XI||
- Chief Wiggum: [examining Lenny's dead body] Hmm, Bottlenose bruises. Blowhole burns. Flipper prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens. Lou, cancel the prom.
- Bart: (after a rat bites him) Oh, I just got over the plague.
- Mayor Quimby: We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.
- Homer: That horoscope was bologna. Nothing happened except the pick-axe in my head, the rattlesnake bite, and the testicle thing.
- St. Peter: Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into heaven. You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.
- Homer: I'm sorry I missed the number of hours and deeds.
- Lenny: Alcohol and night swimming... it's a winning combination!
- Snorky: [in high child's voice] Snorky... talk... man...[clears his throat and reverts to deep male voice] I'm sorry, let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
- Moe: What did he say?
- Carl: He said years ago, dolphins lived on the land.
- Moe: What!?
- Snorky: Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.
- Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...
- Snorky: We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.
- Lisa: Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
- Snorky: That was you?
- Homer: It was her alright. Take the one who wronged you!
- Homer: [after he accidentally drops Agnes Skinner into traffic to her death] Uh, I'm pretty sure she was going to be the next Hitler! Hello? Good deed done.
- Nelson: [while giving Bart a noogie] Your dad is dead. Mine's just in jail.
- Homer: Hello, wife! Hello, children! Who's up for a merry jig? [does a jig] Do-de-doo-doo, Do-de-doo-doo[falls down] Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not merry. I lost my job as an oaf today.
- Marge: What?! Why are the oafs always the first to go?
- Marge: Husband, without your weekly penitence, how shall we feed our children?
- Homer: Don't worry. No child will ever starve in my home.
- [Later, Homer throws Bart and Lisa into the deep dark woods]
- Homer: So long, kids! Enjoy your new home. Say hi to your other brother and sister.
- Bart: Other brother and sister?
- [Bart and Lisa see skeletons that resemble them]
- Bart & Lisa: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
- Lisa: Face it, they're not great parents.
- Bart: Hello! Lost lovable orphans!
- Homer: [dusting off his hands] Boy, dumping your kids in the forest, sure gets your hands dusty.
- Marge: What? You threw our precious babies into the woods?! We could have sold them! [scene to Maggie sitting in window with a sign reading, "Two Chickens or Best Offer"] Go back and get them.
- Homer: Here's a better idea. I know how we can replace those children. [romantically advances on Marge]
- [Scene shows to Homer standing in the woods looking for Bart and Lisa]
- Homer: [calling out] Son! Daughter! I'm ever so sorry.
- Suzanne the Witch: [to Lisa] Sweep faster! It’s almost time for your beating.
- Suzanne the Witch: Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy!
- Bart: What'd you care? It's not like you have any friends.
- Suzanne: I have a boyfriend!
- Lisa & Bart: Pssht, yea, sure.
- Suzanne the Witch: What? I do!
- Lisa: Oh, yeah? What's his name?
- Suzanne the Witch: George.. [looks at the cauldron] Cauldron.
- Lisa: "George Cauldron"? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle!
- [Suzanne the Witch is about to throw Lisa into the oven when Homer busts through the wall by eating it]
- Homer: Hmm, sugar walls.
- Lisa: Father! I knew you'd rescue us.
- Homer: Rescue you, stuff myself with candy, it's all good. [takes a bite out of a candy cane support beam]
- Suzanne the Witch: That was a load bearing candy cane, you clumsy oaf!
- [After Homer throws Suzanne the Witch into the oven and George Cauldron shows up at the house]
- George: Hello, I'm George Cauldron. Is Suzanne ready yet?
- Homer: Almost, just give her another 20 minutes. [turns up the oven heat]
- George: But the concert's at 8:00.
- Homer: Hey, you got to hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more.
- Lisa: I kind of wish I hadn't freed their leader and, you know, doomed mankind.
- Marge: Oh, honey I wouldn't say same doomed. It's going to be an adjustment, no question.
- Kang: Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.
- Kodos: Are you sure the space phone is working? [Kang tries it] Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!
- Kang: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
- [The phone rings and Kodos answers]
- Kodos: Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh ... Yes ... Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy?"
- Kang: [shrugs] Ehh, work is work.