Homer: (places a dollar on the counter) I'd like a colossal donut, please. Just like the one on the sign. (Homer is given a regular-sized donut) D'oh! Nuts... That's false advertising!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Sorry, sir. No refunds.
Homer: (slowly) I paid for a colossal donut, and I'm gonna get a colossal donut! (walks away)
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You don't scare us.
Radio Announcer: Astronomers from Tacoma to Vladivostok have just reported an ionic disturbance in the vicinity of the Van Allen belt. Scientists are recommending that all necessary precautions be taken.
Homer: (scoffs) Eggheads… What do they know?
(Homer puts the giant metal donut in his living room and drinks a beer on top of it in his underwear.)
Marge: Homer! Where did you get that?
Homer: Get what?
Marge: That giant donut.
Homer: Well, I acquired it legally. You can be sure of that.
Kent Brockman: (on TV) Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage? (behind him, a poster of himself comes to life) A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others? Would... (he gets grabbed by his giant doppelganger) D-ooh! Let me go...no! Stop! No!
(A "Technical difficulties" sign appears)
Chief Wiggum: (after he shot what he thought was a monster) Eh, they're not so tough.
Lou: Um… Chief, that wasn't a monster; that was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah... Well, he was turning into a monster... Yeah.
(At the Simpson house, the doorbell rings)
Homer: Hello? Yes? (opens door and sees Lard Lad) Oh, it's you… Uh, if you're looking for that donut of yours, um… Flanders has it. Go smash open his house.
(Homer shuts the door as Lard Lad leaves.)
Homer: (to himself) He came to life… Good for him.
(Loud smashing is heard, then loud thumping and the doorbell; Homer opens the door and sees Lard Lad again.)
Ned: (runs past) Help me, Lord!
Homer: I told you! Flanders has it! …Or Moe. Go kill Moe.
Marge: Homer! Give him the donut! Once he has it, it will be the end of all this horror!
Homer: Well, okay… If it will end horror…
Homer: (after Lard Lad continues destroying the town) Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: (thinks to herself) Sometimes...
Marge: These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
Lisa: If your advertising agency created all those giant characters, you must know how to stop them.
Advertising Man: Well sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon, it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn't find the beef?
Advertising Man: Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they'll lose their powers.
Lisa: But people can't help looking at them. They're wrecking the town. (Out the window, the monsters wreck the town)
Advertising Man: You know, maybe a jingle would help. (plays a piano arpeggio, sings) Don't watch the mon-- (plays another arpeggio) Don't watch the...monsters-s-s. (chuckles) Well, it'll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.
Lisa: Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!
Paul Anka: (singing) To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
Lisa: (talking) Guarantee void in Tennessee.
Paul Anka and Lisa: (singing) Just don't look! Just don't look! Just don't look! Just don't look!
Lisa: It worked! They're all dead.
Bart: Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
(everyone turns and gasps and Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut)
Marge: Homer! Stop looking.
Lisa: Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. (they drag him away)
Homer: (groaning) Oh!
(Lard Lad collapses)
Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Bart: OK, boy: catch the Frisbee. (Santa's Little Helper does so) Good catch, boy!
Santa's Little Helper: (taking the Frisbee from his mouth) Thanks, Bart. (throws it at him; it hits Bart in the face; Bart does a flip; "NO SALE" appears in his eyes and birds fly around his head) Oh, hard luck.
(Bart shakes his head to clear it, then spots Groundskeeper Willie dressed as Freddy Krueger, holding a rake)
Bart:(screams as his eyes bulge out)
(Groundskeeper Willie brandishes the rake; Bart holds up a "Yipes!" sign)
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance. (laughs evilly; swipes at Bart, who wakes up yelling)
Bart: (sighs) Ohh...it was only a dream. (sees the scrapes on his stomach and yells again)
Homer: Bart! Is that you?
Homer: Take out the garbage.
Bart: (talking about his dream) And then he raked me across the chest! And the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared: Groundskeeper Willie!
Lisa: (gasps) Oh, my God! Bart, Groundskeeper Willy was in my nightmare too! (holds open hand) But he got me with hedge clippers. (her hair is missing two spikes)
Nelson: (gleaming) He ran his floor buffer over me.
Principal Skinner: (walking up, chuckling) Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he... simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Remember, class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don't knock yourselves out. You have three hours to...
Mrs. Krabappel: (grunts) Then put your head down on your desk and sit quietly.
Martin: Ah, a duet of pleasures. (does so)
(In Martin's dream, he's dressed as a wizard)
Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma. (spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it) Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.
(Groundskeeper Willie morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps)
Groundskeeper Willie: "Moris": you die.
Martin: (screams and runs off)
Groundskeeper Willie: (laughs) You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one? (his tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him)
(In class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor dead)
Principal Skinner: (to Lunchlady Doris) Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see. (Lunchlady Doris starts wheeling out the trolley)
(The sheet which is stuck under Principal Skinner's foot, comes off)
Children: (seeing Martin's dead body and scream)
Principal Skinner: Oh, just get it out of here. Not into the kindergarten!
(Kindergarteners scream from outside)
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Martin died at school today!
Marge: I don't see what that has to do with Groundskeeper Willie.
Bart: Umm… we didn't mention Groundskeeper Willie, Mom.
Marge: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.
Marge: (voice over) It all started on the 13th hour, of the 13th day, of the 13th month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer: (shivering, looking at the calendar) Oh, lousy Smarch weather. (spies the thermostat with a note from Willy over it and reads it) "Do not touch. Willie." Good advice! (cranks it)
Principal Skinner: Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.
(A burning Groundskeeper Willie tries to escape, but the doorknob falls off)
Principal Skinner: Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, free service of the fire department...
(Groundskeeper Willie tries to use the fire extinguisher, but it's empty; he breaks out of the furnace room and runs into the classroom)
Groundskeeper Willie: (still on fire) Help! Please help me!
Principal Skinner: Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Kirk Van Houten: Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having 2 spaghetti meals in one day.
(Groundskeeper Willie explodes into flame and screams for a few seconds; the parents turn to watch)
Groundskeeper Willie: (looking like a skeleton) You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll strike where you cannot protect them... in their dreams!
Lisa: Bart! Do you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Grampa: Heh! Welcome to my world! (falls asleep and snores)
(Bart and Lisa try hard to stay awake that night. Lisa gives Maggie a Buzz Cola to drink while the three children watch "Asian Market Wrapup.")
TV Announcer: There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures.
Lisa: It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.
Bart: You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.
Lisa: OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.
Bart: Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! (motions to the sandbox)
Groundskeeper Willie: When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!