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(Marge comes out from behind a curtain)
Marge: Hello, once again. As usual, I must warn you that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you who have children want to send them off to bed and-- (someone hands her a paper) Oh my, it seems the show is so scary, that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead, they've requested the 1941 Glenn Ford movie, 2000 Miles to Oregon.
(A scene from the movie plays and then is cut off with a flash. The flash then extends into a line.)
Bart: There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are in control of the transmission.
Homer: What's that boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! (laughs) Brrrr! Beep! Beep! Blub-blub-blub-blub-blub! This is my voice on TV...
Bart: Dad, you're ruining the mood!
Bart: For the next half-hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and fowl horror of...(the line turns into the family) The Simpsons Halloween Special.
(The intro sequence plays. Moe is then shown hanging from a tree, Patty and Selma, in witch costumes, are being burned by Reverend Lovejoy, and Bart slices Skinner's head off with a guillotine.)
(Couch gag: The family runs into the room, with their heads in the wrong bodies. They swap their heads. Maggie sucks her pacifier.)
(The family sedan drives on a mountain to a mansion.)
Homer: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door to the house?
(This time, Grampa is in the car with the family)
Homer: Well it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
Marge: Homer, when you remembered to lock the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
Homer: D'oh! D'oh!
(Homer is now angry)
Lisa: Oh no, we left Grampa back at the gas station!
Lisa: What about Grampa?
(The sedan then stops in front of the mansion. The family gets out of the car, greeting).
Mr. Burns: The sea monkeys I have ordered have arrived. Look at them cavort and caper.
Smithers: Sir, they're the new caretakers for the lodge.
Burns: Yes, they work hard, and they play hard.
(The Simpsons (except Bart), Mr. Burns and Smithers, inside the summer house.)
Burns: This house has quite a long a colorful history. It was built on and ancient Indian burial ground and was also the setting for Satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: Oh, John Denver.
(A large pool of blood shoots out of an elevator).
Burns: That's odd. Usually, the blood gets off at the second floor.
(Groundskeeper Willie is in the backyard, with a large hedge maze. A chainsaw cuts through.)
Bart: Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Willie: Why you little--(in mind) No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father will go crazy, and chop them all into haggis.
Bart: What's "haggis"?
Willie: (gasps) Boy, you've read my thoughts! You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining".
Willie: Shh! you want to get sued? Now look boy, if your dad goes gaga, you use that... "shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a-running. But don't read my mind between 4 and 5. That's Willie's time!
(Smithers then cuts out a wire.)
Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I can ensue an honest winters work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Uh, sir, did you ever think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a coke.
(The Simpsons as shown in the house. Homer turns on TV, bu all that comes up on all channels are colorful static).
Homer: Hmm. Cable's out. Think I'll have a beer. (He goes to the fridge and opens the door). Not a drop in the house. What do you know.
Marge: Homer, I'm impressed. You're taking this quite well.
Homer: I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
Homer: Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry. There's plenty I can do occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection. See you later.
Lisa: Mom, is Dad going to kill us.
Marge: We're just gonna wait and see.
(Homer is in a bar. Moe appears out out nowhere.)
Moe: So, Homer, what will it be?
Homer: Moe, give me a beer!
Moe: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer: Why should I kill my family?
Moe: They'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer: You don't look so happy.
Moe: Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy, lalalalalalalalala, see? Now waste your family, and I'll give you a beer.
(Marge walks in a dark room).
Marge: Homie? Homie? What he's typed might be a window into his madness. (She slowly walks up to the typewriter, which reads) "Feelin' fine". Wow, that's a relief. (A flash of thunder strikes, reveling "No TV and No Beer make Homer Go Crazy" all over the walls). This is less encouraging. (Homer appears and she screams).
Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and No Beer Make Homer..." something, something.
Marge: "Go Crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! BLAABBLBLBLU! UHBLOBOBLOBOLOBLA! AH-OH, AH-OH, AH-OH! VORP, VORP! HADABADA! AHOHOHOHO!
(Marge runs and breaks glass).
Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!
Homer: Give me the bat, Marge! Give me the bat. Give me the bat! Come on. Give me the bat. Give me the bat-bo-bo-baluluuluulu. Heh-Heh-Heh. Scaredy cat. LERRRR~!! (he turns to the mirror, screams, and falls down the stairs).
Marge: You stay in here until you're no longer insane. Hmm, chili would be good tonight.
(Homer then wakes up, no longer insane, eating food). (A knock is then heard on the door).
Moe: Homer? it's Moe. Listen, some of the ghouls and I think that project isn't moving forward.
Homer: Can't murder now. Eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud.
(Moe and his gang of ghouls, consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhies, and Pinhead all drag out Homer against his will).
Homer: (while being dragged) NO!
(The rest of the family is eating dinner. Homer chops down a door).
Homer: Here's Johnny! (empty room) D'oh! (he chops down a second door) David-- Letterman!
(Abe is the only other one in the room).
Abe: Hi David, I'm Grampa.
(He chops down a third door. He carries a watch while his head is in the door).
Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morty Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
(The family screams and runs to another room).
Marge: Hello police, this is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Well, thank god that's over. I was worried there for a second.
Marge: No answer.
Bart: Don't worry, Mom. I can use my... "shinning" to call Willie. (He makes an angry face).
(Willie is in his cabin watching the news).
Kent Brockman: ...And that was the first time she ever flown a plane.
Willie: Uh oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble. I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! All right loony, show me what you've got! (Homer comes right behind him and put the axe in his back). Ugh, is that the best you can do? (he falls down with a thud).
Marge: Oh, my. I hope the rug was Scotchgarded.
Homer: (while taking an axe off) Must kill family. (he growls as the family runs in the snow).
(The rest is a chase scene between the family and Homer.) (Lisa then falls in the snow next to Willie's portable TV).
Kent Brockman: ...The troops had gun rifles, but there was no ammunition. Fortunately, there was a hardware store...
Lisa (while holding up the portable TV): Dad, look!
Homer: Aah! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover. Urge to kill...fading...fading...fading...rising! fading...fading...gone.
(the rest of the family sighs in relief).
Homer: Come, family. Sit here in the snow with Daddy and let us bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.
(The rest of the family sighs happily). (A few seconds later, a close up of Homer's frozen face).
Announcer: And now, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts, Tyne Daily and Hal Linden.
Bart: Homer, change the channel.
("A Chorus Line" plays on the portable TV as the family screams).
Homer: Urge to kill...rising...
Time and Punishment
(The Simpsons are eating breakfast).
Homer: You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles. But sitting here with you and the kids in our cozy in this beautiful, free country, makes me feel like I'm a lucky guy.
Lisa: Dad! Your hand is jammed in the toaster!
Homer: Wh-What? (screams) Get it off! Get it off! Get this off of me! (he sighs and slowly goes on the floor).
Bart: Dad, it's in there again!
Homer: What? No! it's stuck on my hand!
(Homer is then in the basement with the mangled-up toaster)
Homer: This shouldn't be hard to fix...with the right tools.
(He hits the back of the toaster with a rock, which opens it up. A few seconds later, he completely rebuilds it with a brand new back.)
Homer: There, better than new. (he puts the back on) Now, time to take it for a test toast. (He inserts the toast, only for it to zap him away. He screams as he falls past several clocks.) Look at that. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
(Mr. Peabody and Sherman appear right beside him).
Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer. You're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Peabody: Quiet, you.
(Homer lands in the prehistoric era, and gasps at the sight of the dinosaurs.)
Homer: I've gone back to the time where dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos. (a pterodactyl flies right by and he screams). Okay. Don't panic. Remember the advice your father gave on your wedding day.
Past Abe: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything, because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
Homer: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. (a fly spins right around him) Stupid bug! You go squish now! (He swats the fly) That was just one little little mosquito. I not going to affect the future, right? Right? (a sloth from behind him groans. the toast from the toaster pops up, sending him back to his time).
(Homer then appears in the basement, and walks back upstairs)
Homer: Oh, my loving family. Nothing's changed.
(the rest of the family goes to the middle of the room where a giant TV comes out of the floor).
Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, slave-a-reenos.
Simpsons (except Homer): Okilly-Dokilly.
Homer: Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV?
(an alarm to the right of him blares).
Flanders: I see by the big board we've got a Negative Nelly in Sector Two. I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to freeze, and prepare for a re-Neducation.
Bart: Don't your remember, Dad? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.
(the house is then shook by a truck, taking it to the Re-Neducation center. inside the facility, the people have are sitting in chairs).
Flanders: Okay, everyone, lets see some big smiles! (hooks grab the sides of the faces). Just relax and let the hooks do their work.
Homer (to a guy on his left): What the hell are you smiling at?
(Homer is in a line, sighing).