|Treehouse of Horror V||
- Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you that this year's Halloween special is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed-
- (Someone hands her a piece of paper)
- Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've recommended the 1947 Glenn Ford classic, "200 Miles to Oregon".
- Live-action scene of a wagon train that shows for a few seconds, then gets interrupted by snow.
- Bart: There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission.
- Homer: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look, I can see my voice! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Brrrrrr—HEEEE HEEE—blub blub blub blub blub. Thiis....iiiiis myyyyy voooice...ooooonnn teeeeeeveeeee.
- Bart: Dad, you're ruining the mood!
- Homer: Sorry.
- Bart: For the next half-hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of The Simpsons Halloween Special.
- Homer: (in car) Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
- Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
- Homer: D'oh!
- Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
- Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
- Homer: D'oh! D'oh!
- (long silence)
- Lisa: Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station!
- (Homer stares determinedly ahead, appearing not to notice her)
- Lisa: What about Grampa?
:Mr. Burns: (after an elevator empties out a huge amount of blood) Hmmmm... that's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.
:Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.
- Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
- Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
Marge: Homer? Homie? Hmm. What he's typed will be a window into his madness. (Reads from the typewriter) "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.
- [a flash of lightning reveals "No TV and no beer make Homer go crazy" written all over the walls]
- Marge: (Terrified) Oooooooooh! (looks around) This is less encouraging...
Homer: (enters the room) Hello!
- Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer... something something..."
- Marge: (worried) ...Go crazy?
- Homer: Don’t mind if I do! (Goes on a mad rant)
- (Marge breaks open a case labelled "Break glass in case of spousal insanity" and grabs the baseball bat within)
- Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!
- Homer: (chasing Marge up some stairs) Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Come on. Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat! (makes scary face) Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! Bleaahhh... (Makes another scary face, then sees himself in a mirror) AAAAAHH! (falls down stairs, knocking himself out)
- [Marge leaves unconscious Homer locked in a pantry]
- Marge: You stay here until you're no longer insane. Hmm, chili would be good tonight.
- [Some time later]
- Moe: (knocks on outside of the pantry door) Homer? It's Moe. Listen, some of the other ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer: Can't murder now. Eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud!
[Moe and the other ghouls open the pantry door and drag Homer out by his feet]
:Homer: (Homer chops into a room) Heeeere's Johnny!
- (camera pulls back to reveal empty room)
- Homer: D'oh!
- (chops into another room)
- Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!
- Grampa: Hi David, I'm Grampa.
- Homer: D'oh!
- (chops down another door)
- Homer: (holding a ticking stopwatch) I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes"!
- Family: AHH!
:Groundskeeper Willie: Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.
- (runs outside, throws TV in the snow)
- Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
- (opens door to lodge)
- Willie: All right, loony: show me what you got!
- (Homer drives an axe into his back)
- Willie: Aw, is that the best you can do? (collapses)
:Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I...
- (Maggie drives an axe into his back) Argh! (collapses)
- Maggie (voiced by James Earl Jones): This is indeed a disturbing universe.
:Willie: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
- (Skinner appears drives an axe into his back)
- Willie: Argh! Oh, I'm bad at this. (collapses)
:Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic; remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
- Homer pictures a tuxedoed Abraham talking to him.
- Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything, because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
- Homer: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. (a mosquito flies in) Stupid bug! You go squish now!
- (swats it)
- Homer: But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? (silence) RIGHT?
- Megatherium: (mumbles) I don't know.
:(Homer is in the past; T-Rex stands near him)
- Homer: AHHH!
- (He sneezes; the T-Rex sniffles, then collapses. The dinosaur next to it sniffles, then collapses. A big line of dinosaurs to drop dead in this way)
- Homer: This is gonna cost me...
- (Arriving back in the present, he notices the layout of the house has changed so he is richer)
- Homer: D'oh! I mean, hey...
- Bart: Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well.
- Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
- Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan... whoo hoo! I hit the jackpot. (sits down) Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
- Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
- Homer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- (runs downstairs and disappears back into time; outside the window, donuts start falling from the sky)
- Marge: Hmm... it's raining again.
:(A stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and Homer absently squashes it)
- Homer: Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...
:Homer: Don't touch anything? I'LL TOUCH WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE!
:(Skinner turns a giant food processor on to "gooify" and backs the children towards it)
- Bart: Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.
- (Milhouse falls off the edge into the blender)
- Bart: (to Lisa) Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children...
- Bart and Lisa are forced into the blender.
:Homer: Wow. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
- Mister Peabody: Correction, Homer. You're the second.
- Sherman: That's right Mr. Peabody!
- Mister Peabody: Quiet you."
:Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
- Willy: Why you little- (thinking) No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into Haggis!
- Bart: What's Haggis?
- Willy: (gasps) Boy...you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
- Bart: You mean "Shining".
- Willy: Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Da goes gaga, you just use that... "Shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!
:(Lisa trips while being chased by an axe-wielding Homer, spots a handheld TV)
- Lisa: Dad, look! (holds it up)
- Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, (sexually) secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... rising! Fading, fading... gone. (family sighs in relief) Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
- (Later, they're all encased in ice)
- TV Announcer: Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
- Bart: Homer... change channel!
- Homer: Can't! Frozen! ("One" from "A Chorus Line" plays) Urge to kill...rising...
:Skinner (To Bart): I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start as you've so often suggested by eating your shorts...
:Jimbo: It's hard to scrub this giant pot from the inside when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.
- (The pot lid is closed on Jimbo)
- Jimbo: Oh, great. Now I gotta work in the dark.
:Lisa: Bart, isn't it strange that Uter is missing and suddenly, the cafeteria is serving this mysterious food called "Uter-braten"?
- Principal Skinner: Oh, relax kids. I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere. (starts to laugh) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (laughs harder) In fact, you might say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs, then realizes his faux pas) Wait. Scratch that one.
:(The kids are getting served "Sloppy Jimbos")
- Bart: Hmm, I wonder where Jimbo is today? He should have beaten usup for our lunch money an hour ago.
- Uter: [cutting in line] Oh, lunch lady? Please to have another sloppy Jimbo? [to Bart] Das ist gut, nein? [chomps]
- Skinner: Now that's your third helping, young man, making you fat and soft...[licks lips] and tender. Er, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter.
- Uter: For how long?
- Skinner: [quietly] Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do it.
- Marge: Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
- Bart: Huh?
- Homer: Uh oh, it's seeping in. Stupid cheap weather stripping!