|Treehouse of Horror IX||
- Apu: Ooh! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new 'do?
- Snake: (possessing Homer) You sent me to the chair.
- Apu: (gasps) Snake? But you're dead!
- Snake: I know you are, but what am I?
- (Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine)
- Apu: No, no! NOOOOO!!
- Bart: You've got to fight the hair, dad.
- Homer: But I look so youthful and hunky.
- Snake: (possessing Homer) The kid's gotta die.
- Homer: But I love my son.
- Snake: More than a lush head of hair?
- Homer: Don't make me choose! (Snake laughs) No!
- (Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it)
- Homer: I love you, son.
- Bart: I love you too, Dad.
- Homer: (He throws a punch to Kang on his face) One eyed, Two timing- [bleeping twice] I'm gonna- [bleeps]
- Kang: Oh, yeah? Well [bleeps] hyper-bolic paraboloid, [bleep] your mama! (He possessing a chairs.)
- Woman: (to Kang) You, know somebody needs to learn your green ass and responsibility.
- (Kang shoots the woman with his laser gun and the woman vaporates.)
- Jerry: Now, hold on Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun—
- (Kang shoots the entire audiences, except Jerry and they also vaporate.)
- Lisa: Of course! The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling…
- Marge: Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
- Homer: (to Dr. Hibbert) Is there anything you can prescribe, doctor?
- Dr. Hibbert: Fire! And lots of it!
- Marge: Hmm, that's your cure for everything!
- Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murder of Moe Syzlak and Apu Nasaha... er... Moe. Just Moe.
- Homer: It wasn't me. It was the hair!
- Chief Wiggum: Freeze Hairball! (after he shots Snake's hair) Now that's what I call a Bad Hair Day (everyone laughs).
- Chief Wiggum: (to Snake) Hands up, you scuzzbag! (Moe raises his hands) Nah, not you, the smoking scuzzbag.
- Snake: (raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette) Yo, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
- Chief Wiggum: Not this time, you won't; because this is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns...
- Snake: Hey, that was self-defense!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal: Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
- Ed McMahon: Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Skirts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
- Marge: (after turning off "Itchy & Scratchy") Sorry, but if I let you watch some of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
- Bart: Oh, my God. Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
- Marge: It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
- Lisa: I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
- Bart: Don't you get it? He swore to kill me, too. I'm next!
- Homer: [puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude.
- Bart: Hey, Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
- Lisa: How humiliating.
- Homer: (after watching Bart and Lisa on TV) Oooh, how are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?
- [After Regis & Kathie Lee are splattered in cilantro]
- Regis: My eyes, my beautiful eyes!
- Kathie Lee: That's it! I'm going home! Dom DeLouise can interview himself.
- [After Maggie climbs up the ceiling with her tentacles]
- Marge: Homer, do something! The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
- Homer: Eh, all right, I got it. [gets a broom and tries to poke Maggie off the ceiling] Come on, get off the... [Maggie grabs the handle with her free tentacles and swings Homer back and forth across the room] Bad baby! Oh, she's entering the terrible two's, all right.
- Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
- Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you? (covers his face & cries, then looks up) Was he better than me?
- Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie attacks Jerry] Ow! What the [bleep]! Get the [bleep] baby off [bleep]! You Son of a [bleep]!
- Marge: I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.
- Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- Lisa: And now he's dead.
- Homer: C'mon, Maggie. Let's go home.
- Maggie: (in Rarity's voice) Very well then. I'll drive! [laughs menacingly as the episode ends] I need blood.
- [During the opening couch scene]
- Freddy: I don't get it! They should be here by now!
- Jason: Meh, what you gonna do?
- Homer: (after seeing Kang and Kodos at the door) Oh, great. Mormons.
- Kang: Actually, we're Quantum-Presbyterians.
- Homer: (singing) Mama took those batteries, She took 'em away, Mama took those batteries, Size double-A.
- Bart: (after changing Lisa and the tv screen into red) Whoa! Cool!
- Lisa: (Holding the remote control) Bart quit it!