|Treehouse of Horror III||
Clown Without Pity
- Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse...
- Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
- Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
- Homer: [worried] That's bad.
- Owner: But you get your choice of topping!
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate. [Homer stares, confused] That's bad.
- Homer: [worried] Can I go now?
- Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
- Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
- Grampa: [whines] I just want attention.
- Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name: it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name: it's H-O-M-E-R...
- Krusty doll: (covering Homer's eyes) Guess who, fat boy!
- Homer: Marge, Marge, look!
- Marge: Oh my god!
- Homer: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughin' at me!
- Mr. Burns: All right, you big ape, get a snootful of this gas bomb! [He feebly throws the bomb a foot and gets a snootful himself. He starts singing] I was strolling through the Gas one day...
- Bart: Grandpa why don't you tell a story, you lead an interesting life.
- Grandpa: That's a lie and you know it!
- Carl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island.
- Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.
- Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
- Carl: Apes. But they're not so big.
- Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad. "Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred."
- Mr. Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.
- Reporter: What kind of show you got for us, Mr. Burns?
- Mr. Burns: Well, the Ape's going to stand around for 3 hours or so. Then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Duggan and Dirschwitz.
- Reporter: Sensational!
- Lenny: Hey Homer, cut it out! Come on! Quit eatin' me!
- Mr. Burns: Ladies and gentlemen! In his native land he was a King! But he comes before you in chains for your own amusement! Presenting Homer! The Eighth Wonder of the World!
- Barney: Hey monkey, want a peanut? King Homer picks up and he eats all the peanuts. I Said ONE!
Dial "Z" for Zombies
- [The Simpsons head to the library to stop the spawn of zombies. They head out to the family sedan to get there]
- Ned Flanders: [incarnated into a zombie] Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear!?
- [Homer shoots him dead with his shotgun. Marge and Lisa gasp]
- Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
- Homer: He was a zombie?
- Homer: Spare my family. Take me! Take me!
- [The zombies prepare to eat Homer's brain. But first they check if his brain's worth eating by tapping on his head. They promptly look for another target.]
- Zombies: Brains! Brains!
- Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, "Baby's First Pop-up Book" is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
- Bart: Well, most of it.
- Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
- Homer: Did you wreck the car?
- Bart: No
- Homer: Did you raise the dead?
- Lisa: Yes!
- Homer: But the car's okay?
- Lisa and Bart: Uh-huh.
- Homer: All right then.
- Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle, how wrong I was. I should have never read that book.
- Lisa: Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell?
- Marge: It's our only hope!
- Homer: [cocking a shotgun] To the book depository!
- Homer: [while attacking the zombies] Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein! Show's over, Shakespeare!
- Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
- [Kang and Kodos observe Earth from their saucer]
- Kodos: Those zombies have the Earthlings on the run.
- Kang: Soon the human race will wither and fall, like the Earth plums we have seen on the Observe-o-Scope.
- [They laugh maniacally]
- Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
- Bart: Shh. TV. (On TV, there's a thud and audience laughter is heard)
- Homer: Man fall down. Funny.