Groundskeeper Willie: (inspects a puppy) He's an irritable, walleyed misfit bastard! (turns soft) Just like Willie. Oh... Oh...
Bart: Hey, mister, would you like a puppy?
Snake: No, but I'll take one! (reveals a gun inside his vest)
Snake: I'm going to cherish and care for this dog, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Hahahaha! (kisses the puppy)
Krusty: I just found out I'm not Jewish! I got turned down by all those country clubs for nothing!
Homer: Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA?
Carl: I think one's elected, and the other one's appointed.
Bart (to Lisa): How do you know all this stuff?
Lisa: I have a Jewish imaginary friend. Her name is Rachel Cohen and she just got into Brandeis.
Krusty: (pitching show ideas to Fox) How about one where I move in with a poor family, and laugh at 'em! You see, be… (the Fox executive looks interested briefly) Okay, how about you televise my bar mitzvah! Live! Please you people are known for taking chances on crap!!!
(Lisa opens the door and picks up Maggie)
Marge: (gasps) How did you get her out?
Lisa: I tried the coat hanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once.
Homer: I'll audience you! (strangling Bart)
Chief Wiggum: Simpson, I hate to bother you when you're eating. But you're always eating.