|To Surveil With Love||
- [Chief Wiggum is explaining to new recruits how to use the monitors]
- Chief Wiggum: "Now just follow a little formula called PB&J, peer at the monitor, be judgmental and jot it down. And one way to remember that is ABC, Always Be Considering PB&J, but the single most important rule is the four 'a's, Always Act According to ABC."
- (At the train station)
- Train passenger: (sees Homer's bag), That bag, surely it’s attended. (The crowd moves back.) UNATTENDED BAG! (The crowd runs)
- Train conductor: All panic!
- Ned: I never wanted to turn into Big Brother. I just want to a Little Sister tattling on everyone so the town would be a nicer place.
- Homer: Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.
- Ned: (gasps) That’s the worst sin of all for some reason.
- Marge: That's not Sesame Street, that's a Gay Bar.
- [[[Shauna]] is making out with Jimbo but they both freak out when they hear a voice coming from somewhere]
- Jimbo: Come on baby it's just a voice.
- Flanders: I guess I did create all this; like God created the Devil.
- Homer: God create the devil? Finally he did something cool!
- Queen Elizabeth II: I'll miss that Ralph Wiggum. He reminds me of my boy.
- Prince Charles: Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.
- [Chief Wiggum is using the police monitors to spy on Edna Krabappel sunbathing topless]
- Lou: Chief, I think we got misuse of police equipment on ZZ99.
- (At one of the debate groups)
- Lisa: And that is why hybrid car buyers should be given rebates paid for by taxes on hamburgers. (a lady blows a horn)
- Judge: Thank you Lisa. (Skinner enters the room)
- Skinner: Excuse me. the "podiums" are needed in the art room as easels.
- Ralph and Wendell: Yaaay!! (they leave the room)
- Judge: Megan, cross-examination.
- Megan: What if someone's driving an old, but functioning, car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas?
- Lisa: Initially yes, but...
- Megan: And isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal?
- Lisa: Currently. However, solar and wind are...
- Megan: The sun and the breeze. two things you know a lot about, right blondie?
- Lisa: Blondie!?
- Megan: (sarcastically) Like totally, Why don't we get a bitchin' new perm with daddy's credit card? (The kids laugh)
- Lisa: First of all, my father no longer has any functioning credit cards. Secondly, How dare you refer to...
- Megan: (Sarcastically) Ooh, you can count to two!
- Lisa: (Angry at her) Oh!
- Megan: Do you need some ice on your head? (The kids laugh, Lisa gasps)
- Lisa: I'd.... I... (The lady blows the horn again)
- Judge: The winner by a hair-- a brown hair-- Megan! (Lisa angrily groans at her while she stares sarcastically at Lisa)
- Chief Wiggum: (Bored after reporting the "crimes" on the cameras) Gas station costumer washing windshield without buying gas... Girl using Wite-Out as nail polish... (Eddie and Lou enters the room) Oh man, this is hard! Hey, did you get that guy who was parading around naked?
- Lou: He was just jogging with a tan sweat suit, Chief.
- Chief Wiggum: Are you sure? I think I saw his...
- Lou: That was a fanny pack, worn in front!
- Chief Wiggum: But there was a...
- Lou: Water bottle.
- Chief Wiggum: But it was...
- Lou: Leaking!
- Chief Wiggum: That's it! That's it!! I can't take another minute of this stupid screens! Go... go find some concerned citizens to pick up the slack.
- Lou: Well, how many should I get?
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, Well... We've got uh... eight chairs so... Oh, no,Wait! Put one chair in my office facing my desk, so-so I'll seem like a meetings guy. Yeah. (pretends he's meeting someone) Oh, uh, oh, have a seat. Uh, I'll be with you in one minute. Yeah. (Pulls one of the chairs to his office)
- Lou: (sighs) That's a new low.