Homer: Stop speaking French, damn you! (slaps the machine twice and the french female voice turns into a german male voice)
Machine: (speaking German) Die Maschine nicht zu schlagen! (You can't beat the machine!)
Homer: Yes sir.
(Homer and Lisa arrive at the Gardens of the Louvre to set the snake free)
Lisa: Okay, you're free! Now, remember to respect this ecosystem. (the snake doesn't move)
Homer: Come on, go! You'll be a snake that lives in Paris. It's a children's book that writes itself!
Ugolin: Not so fast!
Lisa: (gasps) How did you find us?
Cesar: All tourists come to the Louvre.
Homer: Hey, it's got great paintings!
Ugolin: Oh, yeah? Name two!
Homer: Uh... Uh... Uh...
Lisa: (gasps) You're monsters.
Cesar: True, but that is just a part of who we are.
Ugolin: We are also poets.
Ugolin: Experts on mustard. (they realize Homer and Lisa are gone)
Cesar: They're gone!
Ugolin: If we want to be criminals, we should keep a better eye on people. It's really not that hard!
Cesar: Do not worry. There is one surefire way to find the Americans. Marco!
Homer: Now what are we gonna do with the snake?
Lisa: We'll just have to keep him with us. (gasps)
Homer: What is it, Lisa? Do you see a Burger King?
Lisa: We're at rue des Lombards, home of the three most famous jazz clubs in Paris! What do you think, Dad?
Homer: (with his head on a guillotine) Just pull the rope. Please?
(Lisa asks for wine on a Jazz Club)
Waiter: How old are you?
Waiter: Très bien. (Fine)
Homer: (sighs) Marge, there's something I need to tell you. (grabs the briefcase from a Napoléon Bonaparte statue)
Marge: That briefcase! I knew it was trouble!
Homer: Yes, this is my Battle of Essling. Unless Napoleon had a more famous defeat I'm not aware of. (opens the briefcase and shows the snake to Marge) I've been smuggling this snake this whole trip. But it was the only way I could pay for it, and you wanted to go so badly. And besides, those French crooks couldn't catch anybody.
Cesar: (from the other side of a river) There they are!
Ugolin: No! No bridge! We'll have to board a Bateau Mouche. A little champagne, some dancing, and then... They're gone again!
Cesar: This joie de vivre is killing us!
French Chief Wiggum: Ooh-la-la-la-la. You have despoiled our supermodels, let an American perform with a French combo, and stolen these poor gentlemen's snake!
Homer: Well, I guess this is the point that comes in every vacation where I say... Run! Run! (runs through the door, but cops point guns at him) Okay, don't run.
Homer: I just want to say that before we came, our family was falling apart like your European Union. But just a few days in your wonderful country, and now we're better than ever!