|To Courier with Love||
- Marge: Homer, you have to do more!
- Homer: Ook!
- Marge: I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?
- Homer: Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... (shows Margea doodle of her on the back of the chore list) Hmm? (Marge groans)
- (Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie find an old car on the garage)
- Lisa: I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.
- Homer: Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick. (Homer enters the car and starts the engine)
- Lisa: Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?
- Homer: Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.
- Bart: Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!
- Homer: Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!
- Homer: Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!
- Marge: I'm glad you had a good day.
- Homer: You don't sound glad.
- Marge: I'm not glad.
- Homer: But you said you were glad!
- Marge: You need to read between the lines.
- Homer: Why? There's just white space there.
- Marge: (Crying) I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks! (sobs and grabs a box of tissues)
- Homer: (thinking) Uh-oh. Tissues. (Marge lays down on the bed) W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...
- Marge: Your hands smell like steering wheel.
- Homer: Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! (the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door) Jay Leno!?
- Jay Leno: Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!
- Homer: You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
- Jay Leno: How much you want?
- Homer: I said no questions!
- Jay Leno: (unlocks his car via remote control) Unbelievable, It opens from here!! (laughs) The age we live in!
- Marge: I've decided where I want to go.
- Homer: Uh... Ooh, the trolley at the mall?
- Marge: No, Paris! The most romantic city in the world. (Homer leaves the house)
- Homer: Paris? What am I gonna do? (Jay Leno opens the trunk of his new car via remote control and seems impressed by it)
- Homer: A travel agent?! Oh, thank God you're not obsolete yet.
- Raphael: And a good morning to you, sir.
- Homer: Here's the problem. I've disappointed my wife so many times I can't do it once more.
- Raphael: I see.
- Homer: So I have to take her and our three kids to Paris, but here's the challenge: I have no money.
- Raphael: Uh, let me see what I can do. (starts typing on a keyboard)
- Homer: Anything coming up?
- Raphael: No, it's not plugged in. The noise helps me think.
- Homer: For Marge, I will make the supreme sacrifice of not doing something!
- (Lisa finds out about the snake inside the airplane)
- Homer: I can't break her heart.
- Lisa: Well, you can't let anything bad happen to that snake!
- Homer: I promise. And you have to promise to preserve another endangered species: My marriage.
- Lisa: I promise.
- Homer: Oh, for the first time, a snake has ruined paradise!
- Cesar: Are you casual courier Homer Simpson?
- Homer: I am.
- Ugolin: Here is your money. (gives a package to him)
- Homer: Finally, I've been here for two minutes! Listen, what's gonna happen to, uh, "the package"?
- Ugolin: Oh, it will have a fine home!
- Cesar: A wonderful home.
- Ugolin: As the belt around the waist of a well-dressed woman.
- Homer: I am not gonna let you hurt that snake! (tries to throw the briefcase to Lisa, but she fails to catch)
- Lisa: You have to say "Lisa, catch!" before you throw it.
- Homer: (Looking at the Notre Dame cathedral) Man, look at those gargoyles. That's from back when religions still knew how to scare the crap out of you!
- Bart: Hmm... Starving models? Well, Bart Simpson never met a beautiful woman he couldn't prank!
- Lisa: Dad, I love being on a caper in France with you!
- Homer: Well, this is gonna be a snap. All we need is to get our tickets from this automatic French ticket dispenser.
- (fourty five minutes later, Homer is attacking the machine in anger)
- Machine: Pour un billet aller retour, appuyes deux (For a round-trip ticket, press two)
- Homer: (attacking the machine) Shut up, shut up. shut up! (the machine gives Homer a ticket)
- Machine: Votre billet. (Your ticket)
- Lisa: Dad, you just bought a ticket to Argenteuil.
- Machine: Prochain client, s'il vous plaît. (Next costumer, please)
- Homer: Stop speaking French, damn you! (slaps the machine twice and the french female voice turns into a german male voice)
- Machine: (speaking German) Die Maschine nicht zu schlagen! (You can't beat the machine!)
- Homer: Yes sir.
- (Homer and Lisa arrive at the Gardens of the Louvre to set the snake free)
- Lisa: Okay, you're free! Now, remember to respect this ecosystem. (the snake doesn't move)
- Homer: Come on, go! You'll be a snake that lives in Paris. It's a children's book that writes itself!
- Ugolin: Not so fast!
- Lisa: (gasps) How did you find us?
- Cesar: All tourists come to the Louvre.
- Homer: Hey, it's got great paintings!
- Ugolin: Oh, yeah? Name two!
- Homer: Uh... Uh... Uh...
- Lisa: (gasps) You're monsters.
- Cesar: True, but that is just a part of who we are.
- Ugolin: We are also poets.
- Cesar: Communists.
- Ugolin: Experts on mustard. (they realize Homer and Lisa are gone)
- Cesar: They're gone!
- Ugolin: If we want to be criminals, we should keep a better eye on people. It's really not that hard!
- Cesar: Do not worry. There is one surefire way to find the Americans. Marco!
- Homer: Polo!
- Homer: Now what are we gonna do with the snake?
- Lisa: We'll just have to keep him with us. (gasps)
- Homer: What is it, Lisa? Do you see a Burger King?
- Lisa: We're at rue des Lombards, home of the three most famous jazz clubs in Paris! What do you think, Dad?
- Homer: (with his head on a guillotine) Just pull the rope. Please?
- (Lisa asks for wine on a Jazz Club)
- Waiter: How old are you?
- Lisa: Eight.
- Waiter: Très bien. (Fine)
- Homer: (sighs) Marge, there's something I need to tell you. (grabs the briefcase from a Napoléon Bonaparte statue)
- Marge: That briefcase! I knew it was trouble!
- Homer: Yes, this is my Battle of Essling. Unless Napoleon had a more famous defeat I'm not aware of. (opens the briefcase and shows the snake to Marge) I've been smuggling this snake this whole trip. But it was the only way I could pay for it, and you wanted to go so badly. And besides, those French crooks couldn't catch anybody.
- Cesar: (from the other side of a river) There they are!
- Ugolin: No! No bridge! We'll have to board a Bateau Mouche. A little champagne, some dancing, and then... They're gone again!
- Cesar: This joie de vivre is killing us!
- French Chief Wiggum: Ooh-la-la-la-la. You have despoiled our supermodels, let an American perform with a French combo, and stolen these poor gentlemen's snake!
- Homer: Well, I guess this is the point that comes in every vacation where I say... Run! Run! (runs through the door, but cops point guns at him) Okay, don't run.
- Homer: I just want to say that before we came, our family was falling apart like your European Union. But just a few days in your wonderful country, and now we're better than ever!