|| Three Men and a Comic Book
- (Living room. Homer is schlumpily watching TV.)
- Marge: Homer, it is seriously starting to pour. Will you please check on the boys?
- (Homer looks out the window when two bolts of lighting illuminate the yard, showing Bart and Milhouse fighting. One bolt barely misses the treehouse.)
- Homer: They are fine.
- Comic Book Guy: Looks like you got more than you bargained for. (laughs sinisterly)
- Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone!
- Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you ever buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
- Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
- Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. (shows comics of Casper & Richie Rich)
- Lisa: Hey, they do look alike!
- Bart: Wonder how Richie died.
- Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and took his own life.
- Homer: A hundred bucks?! For a comic book! Who drew it, Micha-ma-langelo?
- Marge: (to Bart) So maybe a part-time job is the answer.
- Bart: Aw, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie, and Lisa is such a handful...
- Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid.
- (Bart, Milhouse, and Martin Prince discuss their ownership of the comic.)
- Martin Prince: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
- Bart: Perfect!
- Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
- Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about Sundays?
- Martin Prince: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
- Bart: Perfect!
- Milhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
- Bart: (suspiciously) Yeah, what about 0?
- Milhouse: Yeah!
- Martin Prince: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined by rock scissors paper competition, best 3 out of 5, how's that?
- (Bart and Milhouse agree.)
- Martin Prince: (to Comic Book Guy about the Radioactive Man comic) Can you let me have it for $40?
- Comic Book Guy: $40? You made me get off my stool for that?
- Martin Prince: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer for God's sake!
- Bart: (about Milhouse) Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
- Martin Prince: (tied to a chair looking worried) I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go to the bathroom?
- Bart: (after the Radioactive Man comic is ruined) We worked so hard and now it's all gone. We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
- Milhouse: What's your point?
- Bart: Nothing, just kinda ticks me off.
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