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- Carl: Let's make litter out of these literati!
- Lenny: That's too clever, you're one of them!
- Homer: You said you were going to make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
- Photographer: Light is not your friend.
- Comic Book Guy: (dressed as Copernicus) Verily, I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun, and not t'other way round.
- Lindsay Naegle: Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus!
- Comic Book Guy: Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
- Lisa: We are a town of low-brows, no-brows and ignorami. We have eight malls, but no symphony. 32 bars, but no alternative theater. 16 stores that begin with "Le Sex."
- Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
- Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.
- Homer: I don't, but the Block Association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus.
- Homer: Larry Flint is right. You guys stink!
- Dr. Hibbert: Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything? Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.
- Stephen Hawking: Don't feel bad Lisa. (Looks at Lisa when she feels sad).
- Stephen Hawking: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.
- Homer: Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
- Moe: So who's paying the tab here?
- Homer: (Imitating Stephen Hawking) I am.
- Stephen Hawking: I didn't say that.
- Homer: Yes I did.
- (Hawking punches Homer with a mechanical punch)
- Homer: ...Doh (still imitating Hawking's computer-voice)