Narrator: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, and that means one thing in Springfield. It's that time again! Opening day of peewee football! And everybody's headed down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action! It all comes down to this, the first game of the year, perfect season on the line, and drunks are being rolled off the field. Ladies and gentlemen, your Springfield Neutrinos!
Lenny: They over-fogged the run-in!
Carl: They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd! (yelling) Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?!
Marge: Concussions!! (knocks Homer's soda into his hot dogs)
Kent Brockman: Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose?
Professor Frink: Uh... Well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.
Kent Brockman: Indeed. And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.
Eddie Muntz: Are you wearing makeup?
Kent Brockman: Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only point one percent of youth football players make it to the pros?
Eddie Muntz: You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh! Boy, show him your moves! Juke it, juke it!
Eddie Muntz: Without football, Kent, how are kids gonna learn character like I did, you stupid fruit-munch? And what is your problem, smart-nuts? (pushes Professor Frink off the stage)
Kent Brockman: Which brings us to this question: if not football, what sport is safe for our children?
Dr. Hibbert: But there are so many club sports that can eat up all our free time. What about baseball?
Helen Lovejoy: (scoffs) Baseball. Rife with steroids!
Ned Flanders: Then test for steroids!
Gary Chalmers: Oh and then there'll be no home runs!
Marge: Poor Kirk. No one listens to him. Even Luann treats him like garbage!
Homer: Eh. Love's funny like that.
Marge: Help him out! Make people listen to his idea.
Homer: Oh, why me? I only came to this concert because I was told it was a potluck! (Marge groans)
Homer: Attention smothering parents who only came to hear themselves talk! (the crowd gets quiet) This guy has as much right to bore us as any of you! Take it away, buddy. (echoing) Buddy. Buddy. Buddy.
Kirk: Buddy. Huh. Um... I've got an exciting sport that's great exercise a... and teaches teamwork. Lacrosse!
Chief Wiggum: La-what?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, why don't we have this fruitmunch teach our kids this crazy sport?
Kirk: Me? coach your kids? Most of you won't even make eye contact when I'm weighing your yogurt. I'll do it! If Homer will coach with me.
Kirk: We've come too far together on this crazy ride! It wouldn't feel right to do it without you, buddy. (echoing) Buddy. Buddy. Buddy.
Homer: Mm? Oh, fine, I'll coach with this guy. But I promise you this: I will never stop complaining about it!
Lisa: Dad, we won!
Homer: It's okay, kids. What matters is you tried your best. Have an orange slice.
Bart: No, we won!
Homer: Yes, we're all winners, because losing teaches valuable lessons. Have an orange slice.
Kirk: We did it, buddy. You and I make a great team!
Homer: We won for real! For the first time in our lives, we can say "Good game" and actually mean it. (to the other coach) Good game!
Coach: Uh... Good game!
Homer: Ha! That's loser talk!
Kirk: Check out the travel van, brah! (chuckles) Two days, ten games, 700 miles and one sweet mixtape! I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 'cause this van's about to swing!
Homer: Uh I'm pretty sure a mixtape isn't just the same song over and over again.
Kirk: No, no dude, they're different live versions. You can tell because some are longer. (Homer turns off the radio) Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen? It tastes like passionfruit and people think you're a smoker.
Homer: Why would I want that?
Kirk: (chuckles) Don't worry, Marge isn't here. Oh, speaking of which, where is the craziest place you two have ever done it?
Kirk: Let's both say it at the same time. One, two...
Homer: There are kids back there!
Kirk: Oh, they can't hear us. I got 'em watching classic lacrosse matches.
Lisa: Those sandwiches had so many carbs!
Nelson: I've never played harder!
Milhouse: Rice power!
Homer: We won every game! Kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates.
Marge: Worse than Jim Harbaugh?
Homer: Well, not that bad.
Marge: I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck, but remember: you're doing this for the kids.
Homer: Right, right, the kids! Everything for the kids.
(Kirk sees Homer on a hotel bed)
Kirk: Oh, good call buddy. Disco nap! We got to power up for tonight.
Homer: (mumbling) Tonight?
Kirk: Which gentlemen's club should we hit first: Skin City or the Tassel Castle?
Homer: Gentlemen's? you mean a strip club?
Kirk: Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers, but they're kind of stuck up, if you believe Lap-Aficionado.com. Which, uh... I do.
Homer: Why would I want to go to a strip club? I'm married to a naked lady.
(Homer imagines Bart and Lisa's heads spinning around Kirk's face)
Bart's head: I scored three goals today!
Lisa's head: I'm a jock. A jock!
Bart's head: I didn't spit on my hand for the post-game handshake! (Homer's head appears)
Homer's head: Hey pal, I don't like Kirk either, but look how much fun the kids' heads are having!
Homer: Of course I want to hang with you, buddy. But, you know, I'm pretty tired from all those YouTube videos you showed me about whiskey making.
Kirk: It gets its color from the barrel!
Homer: I know, the barrel. Let's just get some sleep.
Kirk: Well, all right. Next time we can just rage twice as hard, I guess. (turns on a machine that makes a heartbeat noise)
Homer: What the hell is that?
Kirk: I can't sleep without my white noise machine. Womb setting.
Narrator: Springfield, the city that lives and dies by youth lacrosse, a sport we first learned about five weeks ago! And with just two hours left until face off against Capital City, the countdown clock is ticking away. As always, laying out all the information you need to know, this is WXPO "The Pipe"!
Marge: Hmm, it's not like Kirk to miss such an important pre-game rally.
Homer: (nervous) Yeah, well... Better get slicing on these oranges!
Mayor Quimby: Where is that coach? If we lose this game, I have to give the mayor of Capital City a crate of Springfield apricots. We grow no apricots!
Luann: Kirk is missing! I haven't seen him since he left home happily singing about his friendship with you.
Homer: All right! The truth is, (to Luann) your husband and (to Milhouse) your father is a soul-sucking loser who found out I was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team!
Luann: But... But why did he empty out our bank account, and all in one-dollar bills?
Homer: Oh, no! There's only one thing a man like Kirk wants with that many singles!
Milhouse: To hand out to the poor?
Homer: Worse! To bring to a strip club.
Dr. Hibbert: I'll go get him!
Chief Wiggum: I'll also get him!
Apu: No, me! Me! I just need to go home and put on my special sweat pants!
Marge: No! It's my husband's fault that Kirk has run off to that jiggle joint and only he can get him out.
Homer: Me? But those places are filled with creeps! Plus, all the chairs face the stage. What if I want to have a conversation with another patron?
Bart: Come on dad, you've got to do it! Without Coach K, we can't play in the championship!
Lisa: Look at the countdown clock!
Marge: As your wife I'm begging you. If you ever loved me, go to that strip club!
Homer: Okay. All I got to do is go in, get the pervert and bring him back to a park full of children!
Lisa: Where are they?
Helen Lovejoy: Maybe we shouldn't have sent Homer Simpson into that den of sin! (Marge slaps Helen in the face)
Marge: My husband's a good man. He can do this.
Homer: Wait, who do I know that likes rice sandwiches? (gasps) Bart's friend's dad!
Homer: Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you. But I respect you!
Kirk: Respect? That's the one thing you can't buy in a place like this.
Kirk: Our kids were depending on us and we let them down.
Homer: You let them down. You.
Dr. Hibbert: It's the Strip-o-copter! I mean, it's a helicopter I've never rented before.
Kirk: Helmet up, kids! Let's win ourselves a championship!
Homer: Who wants orange slices?
Homer: No matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives, they'll always have this moment.
Kirk: (on a MyTube video) Hey guys, I know all you Crushin' It fans are super pumped for my latest Crush video. Sorry, no contest winner this week. Remember, to qualify, you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment! (video skips) Now, the secret to the ultimate rice sammy is to make sure the rice is really wet, li... like soaking! (video skips to Kirk eating the sandwich and drinking, then skips again) So after going in to find it a third time, they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside... (video skips again) Five words: jet fuel can't melt steel! (video skips again) I held the door for that guy and he didn't even say thank you, I just lost it!! (video skips again and Kirk is wearing different clothes) Oh man, Milwaukee would've been so sweet. The Zoom were the kings of that town!