|There's Something About Marrying||
- Disco Stu: Disco Stu just got an annulment from John Paul Two. Boogie down!
- Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
- Homer: Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it!
- (picks up phone and dials)
- Phone: You've reached Fox. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line, your half-baked ideas are all we've got.
- Reverend Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex no more than I can put a hamburger on a hotdog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes at every facet of entertainment!
- Marge: Excuse me, Reverend.
- Lovejoy: Yes?
- Marge: As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same "hoo-hoo" or "ha-ha".
- Nelson: Haw-haw!
- Lovejoy: The Bible forbids same-sex relations.
- Marge: Which book?
- Lovejoy: Which book?! The Bible!
- Marge: But Reverend... (Lovejoy begins cranking the church bells so loud that it drowns out what Marge is saying. What follows are Marge's mostly inaudible lines) Scriptural scholars disagree on the significance to Christians of many of the Old Testaments prescriptions! Jesus's teachings stress inclusiveness! And compassion!
- Mayor Quimby: Lovejoy's an idiot! His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green. He could get 200 bucks a couple!
- Homer: Two hundred bucks a couple, eh? (He then sees three gay couples and sees them as $100 bills) Hey, I gotta get in on this. These people have rights! The right to buy me a 62-inch TV! (Homer then throws his picket sign "Death before Gay Marriage" into a trash bin)
- Mayor Quimby: (in gay-pride video) Springfield, a place where anyone can marry, even dudes. We're just off Route 202. Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit. For God's sake, do not take that exit!
- Homer: Who's next? Adam and Steve? Or Madame and Eve?
- Marge: Homer, you married every gay couple in town.
- Homer: Hey, what can I say? I love love.
- Bart: I guess now you have to wait for some other guys to turn.
- Homer: Hmmmm. Where's Lenny and Carl?
- Marge: Don't you push them! They've got to work it out for themselves.
- Homer: And do you Julio, take Thad, to be your lawfully wedded life partner, in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada, stay out of Texas, for as long as you both are gay?
- Julio: (lovingly) I do.
- Patty: Hey, saturated fats, I came to ask you a favor.
- Homer: Let me get my belt sander, maybe I can grind the ugly off your face!
- Patty: Very funny.
- Homer: I wasn't joking! (Homer pulls out a belt sander, turns it on, and advances on Patty)
- Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass-Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!
- Kent Brockman: (on Smartline) Homer, have we started down a slippery slope to which marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone can marry any-thing?
- Homer: Oh, Kent, not anything. It has to exist...or does it?
- Lovejoy: Call me old fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible...
- Homer: If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife! (laughs) You owe me two hundred bucks.
- Lovejoy: Homer, your impulsive marriages are going to lead to a lot of divorces.
- Homer: Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages, putting more green in the blue, the blue being my pants!
- (Homer holds his hand up for a high five)
- Lovejoy: I'm sorry, Homer. I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there.
- Mayor Quimby: We need to bring tourism back to Springfield! As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds.
- Lenny: Stronger beer!
- Carl: Gladiator fights!
- Woman: Poetry slams!
- Barney: Giant rats! (Sea Captain gets up)
- Lisa: I have a real suggestion. (the Sea Captain sits back down with a swordfish) Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage? We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market and strike a blow for civil rights.
- Moe: Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income. I could serve fancy drinks and charge ten bucks a pop. What's in a Martini?
- Sideshow Mel: Gin and Vermouth.
- Moe: And that makes a what?
- Sideshow Mel: A Martini.
- Moe: Never heard of it. But I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage thing.
- Mayor Quimby: Then it's settled. We shall legalize gay money. I mean gay marriage! (everyone cheers)
- Nelson: I propose we also legalize gay funerals! (grabs Martin) Starting with this guy!
- Martin: I'm not gay! I'm nothing yet!
- Moe: Okay, let's say I put a Lean Cuisine in a blender and I pour some beer on it. What do ya call that?
- Sideshow Mel: A lean cuisini.
- Moe: Wrong!
- Patty: Selma, we'll always be there for each other. I don't know about Marge, though. If she doesn't show up at the ceremony, I have no "non-identical sister"! (audio clip)
- Marge: I'm proud of you, Homer. You have given a chance for everyone to express love in its most purest form—a binding legal contract.
- Patty: Marge if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the wedding. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral. (we then see Homer trying to get a fly with a knife) Should be pretty soon.
- Homer: (stab noise) Got him! Uh-oh.
- Homer: (sarcastically reacting to Patty's coming out) Yeah, big surprise! Hey Marge, here's another bomb: I like beer! (laughs)
- Patty: (To Veronica/Leslie in response to his proposal for marriage) Hell no! I like Girls!