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|| The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
- Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
- Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
- Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all my "screw you" money!
- Principal Skinner: I'm very sorry to hear that, Willie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!
- Lisa: Mom, Dad, I love you. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right, we all know!
- Marge: (to Artie) You only care about yourself.
- Artie: Don't be ridiculous. I care about more than just moi.
- (In Artie's daydream)
- Artie look-alike can-can dancers: Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie!
- Artie look-alike audience members: Ziff! Ziff! Ziff! Ziff! Ziff! Ziff! Ziff!
- (The dancers clap and laugh and the daydream ends)
- Artie: Oh, dear God. She's right.
- Guard: (to Homer) Sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned, Simpson.
- Homer: Can I apply my time toward a future crime?
- Guard: You can either steal a car or kick me in the crotch. (Homer kicks him in the crotch) Uhhh, no one ever picks the car.
- Homer: Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail! Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group! I'm the fat one!
- (The Not So Final Fate of Artie Ziff)
- Marge: Artie Ziff?!
- Homer: I thought we killed him!
- Marge: No, we didn't.
- Homer: But I did delete him from my bulk e-mail list!
- Marge: No, you didn't.
- Artie: That's right. Twice a week, I get your e-mail of the monkey peeing in his own mouth.
- Homer: Oh yeah. Heh heh. That monkey got America through some tough times.
- (Homer gets out of jail)
- Lisa: Oh, dad (Hugs him) I missed you so much!
- Homer: (Surprised) Oh my God! Maggie you're talking!
- Ziff: Homer, I believe that's Lisa.
- Homer: (To Ziff) Oh Bart, what a man you become!