The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

◄ Lard of the Dance

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

Bart the Mother ►

Homer: They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some...unpleasantness. I can never go back.

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Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

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(Homer, when he realizes that Thomas Edison was the one who invented the chair with hinged legs)

Homer: Oh, damn it!

(Bart, visiting Homer in the basement)

Bart: Hey Dad, heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!

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Marge: Alright already! Everyone knows the man accomplished a lot. Maybe because he didn't spend every waking moment talking about Thomas Edison.

Homer: Oh, that's where you're wrong, Marge. He was a shameless self-promoter.

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Homer: You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.

Marge: Oh?

Homer: You look at this table and what do you see? Just a table. Now a creative person like me looks at this table and sees all kinds of creative things, but no tables.

Marge: Homer, that's not a table. That's our dryer.

Homer: AH! My files!

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Homer: As long as you're here annoying me, let's have a brainstorming session. Here's how it works: Lisa, you say one thing, and Bart, you say another. Just toss out things and I'll use my inventive mind to combine them into a brilliant, original idea.

Lisa: Okay. Um...automatic...

Bart: Butt.

Homer: Okay...

Lisa: Fluorescent...

Bart: Booger!

Homer: Mm-hmm...wait a minute, these aren't exciting, new products! You're not even trying! Okay, that's it, both of you go to your rooms and spank yourselves!

Lisa: Lazy father...

Bart: Can't even spank his own kids...

Marge: Homer, you can't punish the children just because you can't come up with an idea.

Homer: I don't see why not. They're my kids. I own 'em.

Marge: (groans)

Homer: Okay, we own 'em.

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(Kent Brockman, delivering his nightly broadcast)

Kent: Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.

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Homer: Marge, that's it! That's why I haven't done anything with my life! I need to be more like Thomas Edison!

Marge: Whatever.

Homer: And I'm starting right now! No more damn pajamas!

(Homer gets out of bed, takes off his pajamas, and throws them out the window. Homer stands naked, calling out)

Homer: From this day forward, I am an inventor!

(A man walking his dog calls up to Homer)

Man: Do us a favor. Invent yourself some underpants.

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(Homer sits at a card table in the basement, smoking a cigar, trying to think of inventions)

Lisa: You started smoking, Dad?

Homer: Yes, Thomas Edison smoked several cigars a day.

(Bart holds up Homer's empty notepad)

Bart: Yeah, he invented stuff, too.

Homer: Shut up.

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Marge: Homer, all these inventions, they're...

Homer: Yes?

Marge: Oh... They're not very...

Homer: Yes? Yes? Yes?

Marge" They're terrible.

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Marge: I'm not saying you're a bad inventor. I'm just saying these particular inventions are awful and no one in their right mind would buy them, or accept them as gifts.

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Homer: How many times have you gals been late for a high-powered business meeting, only to realize you're not wearing makeup?

Marge: That's every woman's nightmare!

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Homer: That's boring. You're boring everybody! Quit boring everyone!

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(Homer's make-up gun has covered Marge's face with messy, clown-like make-up)

Marge: Homer, you've got it set on whore!

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(Homer reveals his toilet recliner chair)

Bart: Gangway, gotta poop!

Marge: No, Bart!

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Homer: We'll stop off at the da Vinci museum on the way home.

Bart: Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.

Homer: Oh. Well then, we'll take it out on Eli Whitney.