|The Wandering Juvie||
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim. Of you!
- Mayor Quimby: [To a young woman he is with] Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Young Woman: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
- Mayor Quimby: [horrified with self] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
- Homer: I believe that children are our future... unless we stop them now!
- Chief Wiggum: Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes, cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. You'll have great performance and a couple of those teardrop tattoos, those are cool.
- Gina: There's something I have to tell you guys.
- Officer Lou: I... look, my fly is down 'cause it's broken, okay?
- Gina: No, it's something else.
- The Warden: Welcome aboard!
- [he holds out a nightstick]
- Warden: This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
- Homer: When does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Gina: I'm Gina. Touch my fence again, and your puberty's gonna be very boring.
- (Bart and Gina are fighting)
- Bart: You're such a psycho!
- Gina: Mama's boy!
- Bart: Future skank!
- Gina: Family Guy!
- Warden: [to Bart and Gina] You two will dance and you will like it! Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it! Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward! So help me, God! [shakes fist]
- (The prison janitor tries to close a window to prevent Bart and Gina from escaping, but fails)
- Warden: Can't you go any faster?
- Janitor: Well... I can close it faster, or, I can close it right.
- Warden: Can't you do both?
- Janitor: Talk to the union!
- (At the Juvenile Correction Center)
- Warden: Welcome back, Gina. I've got a few new cell mates for you.
- Gina: That's cool. I don't even mind going to the bathroom without people watching. (she gasps at a family and smiles)
- Bart: I thought you wanna have a nice family dinner.
- Marge: We're having Make-Your-Own Taco night.
- Homer: Gina thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas.
- Lisa: And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
- Gina: (annoyed) Who is this nerd?!
- Lisa: (scared) Taco please.
- Warden: Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich ... turn on "Will & Grace" ... and cry myself to sleep. (He braces himself against the cell door.)
- Marge: Hmm. Would you like to join us?
- Warden: Didn't you hear me?! I've got an evening planned! (He slams the door shut)