|The Telltale Head||
- Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
- Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
- Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
- Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
- Bart: Our teacher.
- Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
- Jimbo: Naw, that was cloud talk. Throwing stones is one thing but I would never cut off the head of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart?
- Bart: Uhhhh.
- Jimbo: I said, what's in the bag, Bart!
- Janey: Will my dog Pepper be there?
- Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
- Janey: Why not?
- Ms. Albright: Because Heaven is for people.
- Lisa: What about my cat, Snowball?
- Ms. Albright: I'm sorry, but the answer is no!
- Millhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
- Ms. Albright: Certainly not!
- Bart: Uh, ma'am. What if you're a really, really good person and you've been in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated? Will it be waiting for you in Heaven?
- Ms. Albright: For the last time, Bart, yes!
- Krusty: (grimly) There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity! If you know who cut off Jebediah's head... I don't care it's your brother, your sister, your daddy or your mommy... (cheerfully) Turn 'em in and Krusty will send you a free slide-whistle just like Sideshow Bob!!
- Bart: Dad, can I borrow five bucks?
- Homer: I hope you're not planning on seeing a certain movie starring certain Space Mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see. (laughs)
- Bart: (laughs) Perish the thought!
- Homer: (handing Bart five dollars) Here you go son. "Share the wealth", that's what I always say!
- Homer is listening to football during church
- Announcer: It's a 49 field goal kick into the wind.
- Homer clasps hands together along with everyone else
- Homer: Make it, make it, make it, make it, make it! Please please please please please please please please!
- Announcer: Holy toledo, it's good!
- Homer jumps up in happiness.
- Homer: It's good! It's good! IT'S GOOD!
- Everyone stares at him.
- Homer: It's good... to see you all... in church.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Please be seated, Homer.
- Marge: Yeah, sit down, Homer.
- Woman talking to Rev. Lovejoy: That was very nice, Father.
- Rev. Lovejoy: I'm glad you liked it. Ah, Homer, I seemed to have struck a chord with you today.
- Homer: Huh? Oh yeah, you were great.
- Grampa: I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off!