Homer: Relax, those pious morons are too busy talking to their phony baloney God. [opens door to see everybody looking at him]
Homer: [whispering] How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.
Lisa: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses! [everyone spits out their drinks in disgust]
Grampa: Horrible! Horrible things are going to happen! (starts pointing at people) And they're gonna happen to you! And you! And you! (Points at Marge Simpson) And you! Whoa, Nelly. (Goofy gasping) (grunting) (Comic Book Guy records Grampa Simpson on his phone) People of Springfield, HEED THIS WARNING! Twisted tail! A thousand eyes!TRAPPED FOREVER!
[Grampa falls down and makes babbling noises (similar to Curly from The Three Stooges]
Homer: [flipping through Bible] But this book doesn't have any answers!
Grampa: Beware, BEWARE! Time is short, Eeeepa, Eeeepa, EEEEEPA! Believe me! BELIEVE MEEEEEEE! (Speaks gibberish as Homer rolls him up in the carpet at church) (Continues to speak gibberish as Homer pulls him out church) Thanks for listening. (The Simpsons leave church)
Lisa: Milhouse, you don't care about the environment.
Milhouse: Hey! I am very passionate about the planet.
Homer: [looking at the angry mob] Marge! Look! Those idiots don't even know where we live!
Mob: [turns around] Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Lisa: [to Colin] I'd never knew my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this ---
Bart: [singing] Lisa's got a boyfriend that she'll never see again!
Lisa: [punches Bart in the face] Perfect.
Homer: Ok, boy, Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger and back... (Bart mounts his skateboard) ...naked!
Bart: How naked?
Homer: Fourth base.
Bart: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer: (mocking) Oh, I get it. Then I hereby declare you chicken for life. Every morning, you’ll wake up to 'Good Morning, Chicken.' Then at your wedding, I'll sing (also holding up the middle finger) Bawk Bawk Bawk Bawk, Bawk Bawk Bawk (sees Bart skating naked) (surprised) Bawk?
Sideshow Mel: What ruthless madmen could have dones this to us?!
Cargill: (over a speaker) The United States government. (appears on a large screen) My name is Russ Cargill, I'm head of the EPA.
(Crowd has confused looks)
Moe: The what?
Cargill: Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen!
Cargill: Springfield has become...
Citizen: Whoo! Springfield!
Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Lisa: (notices Maggie) Wait, wait, wait! I think Maggie has something to say!
Marge: Oh my gosh, her first word!
Maggie: (removes her pacifier) Sequel? (Puts back her pacifier)
(the family begin to leave the theater)
Grandpa: (on video) Twisted tail, A thousand eyes, TRAPPED FOREVER! EPA, EPA!
Marge: EPA, what could that be?
Jeffery: I believe it's the sound the Green Lantern made when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid. Ee-Pah!
Marge: Well, thanks for coming over.
Jeffery: Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants. I've never known comfort like this.
Lou: Listen, kid, nobody likes to wear clothes in public, But you know, it's... It's the law.
(Bart is window wiped off the Krusty Burger window and handcuffed to the Krusty Burger pole)
Chief Wiggum: Lunchtime!
Bart: You can't just leave out here.
Lou: Don't worry, we found a friend for you to play with.
Nelson: Haw haw! Haw haw! Haw haw! (as time passes by with a sore throat) Haw haw... Haw haw... Haw haw...
Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, where have you been?
(Nelson points at Bart)
Mrs. Muntz: Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
(Homer pulls up)
Homer: What seems to be the problem, Officer?
Bart: Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be the one taking the rap here, not your son.
Homer: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one-hour parenting class.
Homer: It was all his idea! He's out of control, I tell you! I'm at my wit's ends! (Starts sobbing) It's so... (Continues sobbing)
(A shocked Bart is unhandcuffed)
Chief Wiggum: See you in court, kid.
Marge: Bart, are you drinking Whisky?
Bart: I'm troubled.
Bart: I promise I'll stop tomorrow.
Marge: You'll stop right now!
Homer: (Gets on a motorcycle and borrows the Rich Texan's hat)
Grampa: Homer? What the hell are you doing now?
Homer: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go! (speeds away) First, one stop.
(Ned, Rod, Todd, and Bart are praying, Homer brakes his motorcycle in front of the church)
Homer: Bart, son, do you think you can find in your heart to give your foolish old man one more chance?
Bart: (thinking) I don't know.
Ned: It seems to me, son, your father saying he wants to spend his last minute with you.
Bart: No! I can't do it. I want a father that's the same in morning as he is at night. What's that word?
Rod and Todd: Consistency.
Bart: Thanks, losers. Sorry, Homer.
Homer: I'll let you hold the bomb.
(bomb's clock is at two minutes)
Bart: My man knows me. (Laughs)
(Bart and Homer speed away)
Todd: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned: And I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.
Todd: (starts crying)
(Bart and Homer are on the dome)
Homer: Okay, Bart, you got one shot to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart: Dad, in case I miss, I'm sorry I said that I wished you weren't my father.
Homer: I don't blame you, son, I wasn't much of a father, it must have started with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's clear to me, it's just been one long, unbroken cycle of...
Marge: (shouting on a megaphone) SOMEBODY THROW THE GODDAMN BOMB!
Homer: (speeds up after Marge tells them to throw the 'goddamn' bomb)
Bart: (loses his grip on the motorcycle and grabs homer's top two hairs) Gah!
(Homer's two hairs snap and Bart grabs homer's side hairs but snaps and Homer grabs Bart's wrist)
Bart: (gets ready to throw the bomb)
(everyone's looking to see if the bomb makes it through the hole)
Otto: (drinking a bottle of water) Wha? What's going on?
(Bart throws the bomb through the hole with ten seconds left on the timer)
(the bomb falls back,but is bumping around the hole)
(the bomb doesn't fall in the hole)
Crowd: (has a collective sigh of relief)
(the bomb explodes)
Homer: We did it, boy!
Bart: Uh, dad? (The dome starts cracking)
Homer: (notices) Aahhhhhhhhhhh!
(Homer tries to avoid the cracking dome, but he and Bart fall off the dome on one of the pieces, he and Bart break three pieces and fly off the P of the Springfield sign and one of the cooling towers at the nuclear power planet and land on the top of Springfield gorge)
Homer and Bart: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! (The two of them speed of the cliff of the gorge and don't get to the other side)
Bart: (notices his slingshot and pulls it out of his pocket and catches a cliff of the gorge)
Homer: Aaaaaaaaaaaahh! (stops falling and screaming) Gah!
(Bart and Homer slingshot back up and land on the other side of the gorge)
Bart and Homer: Woo-hoo!
(the dome smashes apart for good)
Crowd: (uproarious cheers)
Bart: Now that was a great father-son activity!
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer. (Aims a shotgun at him)
Homer: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in business school: one is how to cope with defeat and the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, you’ll never know where the treasure is buried.
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart: T-The treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: (not getting the joke name) Ima Wiener?
(Bart and Homer laugh at him)
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir. (He then prepares to shoot and gets knocked out when a rock lands on him by Maggie)
Homer: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be.