||The Simpsons Guy||
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- Chris: Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation. The priorities are always creative and not driven by marketing...
- Stewie: Okay, that's enough.
- Brian: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
- Peter: What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy over somethin' small and stupid.
- Lois: Peter, we've been driving all night. Pull over to that gas station. We can use the bathroom and stretch out legs.
- Peter: You got it, babe.
- Lois: Did you call me babe?
- Peter: I did.
- Lois: Oh, Peter.
- (Peter and Lois start kissing and Meg gets disgusted)
- Meg: Ew, Mom.
- Peter: You'll never have this, Meg.
- Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
- Steiwe: Springfield, eh? What state?
- Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.
- Homer: (offscreen) I'll pay for those donuts.
- (A man who appears to be Homer at first, but is actually someone who has nothing to do with anything, dramatically reveals himself, stepping out from a dark corner of the room)
- Lois: Thank you so much, sir.
- Homer-Lookalike: For what? I didn't say anything.
- Lois: Oh.
- Homer: (offscreen) It was me.
- (The real Homer Simpson reveals himself)
- Stewie: How come this convenience store has so many shadowy parts?
- Peter: Mmmm, yummy. Donut.
- Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmmm ... donut.
- Peter: Mmmm ... donut.
- Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along just okay.
- Lois: Oh, thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
- Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
- Homer: And now this again. You bring home two bands of hippie murderers, and suddenly that's all you're about.
- Bart: Got kicked out of camp. I superglued my counselor's butt cheeks together.
- Marge: That's terrible. But how did you even get access to his butt cheeks?
- Bart: I'm not the only one who got kicked out of camp.
- Marge: This is Bart. Honey, your hands are filthy. Go wash up for lunch.
- Bart: Eat my shorts!
- Stewie: Eat my shorts. I love that! Is that a popular expression? Like, "What the Deuce?"
- Brian: Probably more popular. Probably... Probably way more popular.
- Bart: Hey, do you wanna make a prank phone call?
- Stewie: Ooh! Prank phone call!
- (phone rings)
- Moe: Hello, this is Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
- Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Keebum, first name Lee.
- Moe: Eh, hang on, let me check. Uh, hey, guys, do I got a Lee Keebum? C'mon look at the stools. Uh, is there a Leigh Kebum? Uh, somebody check the rear. I know I got a Lee Keebum.
- Barney: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food.
- (Everybody laughs)
- Stewie: Oh, my God! That's amazing, that's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want to try.
- Bart: Okay.
- Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped! Is that...? Is that one?
- Meg: Look at all these trophies. There must be like 20 of them.
- Lisa: 23, but I'm sure you have a lot of trophies of your own.
- Meg: No, I'm not good at anything.
- Lisa: Oh, Meg, I'm sure you're good at something. We just have to find out what it is. After all, Nelson Mandella said it's our obligation to shine.
- Meg: You mean like my oily face and back?
- Lisa: No, maybe don't sit on my bedspread, please. But I mean the light within you that makes you an individual. Meg, you need to know that you matter.
- Meg: Really? No one's ever told me I mattered before.
- Lisa: That's why you have to say it. So say it.
- Meg: I matter.
- Lisa: Louder!
- Meg: I matter!
- Peter: (Offscreen) Shut up, Meg! You don't matter!
- Maggie: (pacifier suck)
- (Chris sees Maggie's pacifier and yanks it out of her mouth and puts it into his own)
- Maggie: Whaaaaaa! Squeeeeaaaal! Whaaaaaa!
- (Maggie yanks her passy back from Chris)
- Chris: Whaaaaaaaaa!!!
- (Maggie gives another passy to Chris)
- Chris: (pacifier suck)
- Homer: I bet you and me could find your car on our own.
- Peter: You think so?
- Homer: Yeah, 'cause Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are a great team.
- Peter: A greater team than...
- Homer: Than...
- Peter: Yeah, keep goin'. Than... somethin' else?
- Homer: Something else? I don't know what this is.
- Peter: Ugh. O-O-Okay, I'll do it. Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin are an even greater team than the air force.
- (A fantasy of Homer and Peter in the air force begins)
- Peter: Hold steady, I've got 'em in my sights.
- (Peter shoots down the enemy plane)
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Peter: Yea-heh-heah!
- (Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers appears in the plane)
- Bob: Yeah, we did it.
- Homer: What's he doing here?
- Peter: Oh, we gotta carry 'im 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try, and look what happened.
- (Cleveland Brown from The Cleveland Show is seen in a crashing plane)
- Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, nooooo!
- Nelson: Hey, loser, I copied off your spelling test and got a D.
- (Nelson punches Bart in the stomach)
- Nelson: Ha, ha!
- Stewie: I say, how long has that boy been treating you like that?
- Bart: Uhh. About 24 years.
- Homer: Alright, Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we gotta think like a car. So, let's fill up at the gas station.
- (Homer and Peter are drinking gasoline from the gas pumps)
- Peter: I feel sick.
- Homer: Keep drinking. I prepaid 40 bucks!
- Peter: Uh, Homer, maybe we're doing this wrong.
- (They see a woman putting the gas pump into the hole of the rear of her car)
- Peter: Oh, crap.
- (Cutaway to a German adult video store called "Video Erötich")
- Video Erötich Customer: Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Rough English translation: "Have you got Homer and Peter with a Chevron pump?")
- (Clerk points to a shelf of porn videos, with Homer and Peter, with the gas pumps called "Gassensexen")
- Marge: Hey, where's Santa's Little Helper? Brian, you took him for a walk, right?
- Brian: Uh, yeah, yeah. (chuckles) More-more like he took me for a walk. (chuckles) God, what a what a fun dog. He's in the kitchen right now, totally accounted for.
- Chris: (quietly) Shut up.
- Brian: I'll, uh I'll go check on him right now and Chris will come with me. But nobody else!
- (Brian and Chris go into the kitchen)
- Brian: (Offscreen) Ruff! Ruff, ruff! Ah, there he is! (Onscreen) Aw, you like that behind the ear, don't you, boy?
- Chris: Uh... Ruff, ruff! I'm another dog in here!
- Brian: (quietly): What the hell are you doing?
- Chris: (quietly): He's having a doggy playdate.
- Brian: How does that help us?
- Chris: We're creating a broad story. Also, Matthew McConaughey is in here, too! "All right, all right, all right."
- Brian: (Offscreen) No, no, he's-he's not really in here! He's We-we thought it was him, but it was just the oven! (Onscreen; quietly) Now you're just doing voices.
- Chris: Jack Nicholson?!
- Peter: Now, Homer, thanks for helping me get my car back and to show my appreciation, I got a little something for you. Here you go.
- (Peter gives Homer a beer)
- Peter: Pawtucket Patriot Ale. The best Quahog has to offer. Always keep an emergency six-pack in my trunk.
- Moe: Oh, that's cool. Bringing outside beer into my bar.
- Homer: Down the hatch!
- (Homer drinks the beer)
- Peter: That's pretty good, right?
- Homer: No.
- Peter: Huh?
- Homer: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy rip-off.
- Peter: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not a rip-off of Duff. It may have been inspired by Duff, but I-I like to think it goes in a different direction.
- Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
- Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
- Moe: Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this.
- (Moe rips the label off of the beer bottle, revealing it to really be Duff under there)
- (Cleveland and Carl are next to each other in court)
- Cleveland: You know why they got us sitting next to each other.
- Carl: Uh, 'cause we're the two funniest guys in our towns?
- Cleveland: Damn right.
- Meg: Thanks for being so cool, Lisa. I cut your name in my arm so I'll always remember you.
- Lisa: Ugh. Meg, I want you to have this.
- (Lisa gives Meg her saxophone)
- Meg: Your saxophone?
- Lisa: Yes, Meg. When you played the saxophone, I could feel you soul coming out. So, I want you to take this and shine.
- Meg: Lisa, no one has ever done anything this nice for me. You're amazing, and I will never be like you. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not talented. I have the same shoe size as Charles Barkley. My prom date was a scarecrow I stole, and he left with someone else. The inside of my hat smells so bad I'm not allowed in most restaurants...
- Lisa: Hey, hey! Shut up, Meg.
- (Homer attempts to strangle Peter. Peter slaps his face making him let go of his neck. He coughs)
- Peter: Ow! What the hell? That really hurts!
- Homer: No it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time.
- Peter: You strangle your own son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
- Homer: That's your son!
- (Homer starts throwing Emmy awards at Peter)
- Peter: Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!
- Kodos: Perfect, the earthlings are destroying themselves.
- (Roger Smith from American Dad! appears)
- Roger: Yeah, it's really great. Isn't it, guys? (to the audience) We went to summer camp together.
- Peter: Hey, listen, I... I'm sorry we fought. I just wanted to make you laugh and cry. You see, I'm a Family Guy.
- Homer: I understand. I'm a The Simpsons.
- Peter: Look, even if we don't work as best pals, I respect you.
- Homer: You too. Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other.
- Peter: With a pile of garbage between us.