The Simpsons: Hit & Run/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

The Main Menu Screen

• Abraham Simpson: Do you know where my family lives?

• Hans Moleman: I'm a very lonely man.

• Professor Frink: (indistinct gibberish)

• Barney Gumble: Hi there! (burps)

• Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!

• Snake Jailbird: This town is so dumb.

Introduction

(Homer picks up coin; A TV commercial comes on.)

Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey! I'm endorsing a new cola, kids, and this one isn't poisonous to anybody!

Announcer: That we know of.

Krusty the Clown: New-and-Improved Buzz Cola is made from only the finest sugars and waters. Plus, it has a special ingredient — too HOT, for the FDA. It'll give you the "Get up and go; you need to do all the pathetic stuff you have to do". Try New and improved Buzz Cola.

Homer Simpson: (tempted) Mmm... Cola. Must get Buzz Cola. (walks out of view drooling)

Bart's Tutorial Tips

Starting the game

Xbox Version

All right, Player One... uh, Homer... I mean, HOMER. Use the Left Thumbstick to move around. This is called walking. Press the A button to jump and hold down the B button to run. Anytime you're in the air, hit Jump again to get a little extra push.

GameCube Version

All right, Player One... uh, Homer... I mean, HOMER. Use the Control stick to move around. This is called walking. Press the A button to jump and hold down the X button to run. Anytime you're in the air, hit Jump again to get a little extra push.

PS2 Version

All right, Player One... uh, Homer... I mean, HOMER. Use the directional buttons or the Left Analog stick to move around. This is called walking. Press the X button to jump, and hold down the Circle button to run. Anytime you're in the air, hit Jump again to get a little extra push. Got it?

Coins

Homer: Oooh! Brain like shiny things.

Bart: Yeah, great; those shiny things are called coins. Whenever you get enough of them, you can get a cool surprise.

Collector Cards

They're some collector cards hidden all over Springfield. Find the other ones and sweet reward is yours for the taking. If you want to get a closer look at the cards, you can see them from the Pause menu. And don't get your stinky fingers on them, fatty!

Gags

There are a bunch of these scattered in each level — little surprises are hidden inside each one. Be sure to come back again to see if there's something you missed.

Wasp Cameras

Nobody knows why these things have turned up all over Springfield. They always seem to show up when something exciting happens. I don't know what they are, but violence is always an appropriate response in the face of the unknown.

Getting into your vehicle

Xbox/GameCube Version

Press the Y button to get into the car, and don't take all day. This is just the tutorial.

PS2 Version

Press the Triangle button to get into the car, and don't take all day. This is just the tutorial.

Driving Vehicles

Xbox Version

Okay, Homeboy; here's how you drive this thing: Press the A button to accelerate and use the Left Thumbstick or the directional pad to steer. The B button is your brake and reverse, and the X button is your handbrake. You know, just like every driving game ever?

GameCube Version

Okay, Homeboy; here's how you drive this thing: Press the A button to accelerate and use the Control Stick or the directional pad to steer. The X button is your brake and reverse, and the B button is your handbrake. You know, just like every driving game ever?

PS2 Version

Okay, Homeboy; here's how you drive this crapbox: Press the X button to accelerate, and use the left analog stick, or directional buttons to steer. The Circle button is your brake and reverse, and the Square button is your handbrake. You know, just like every driving game ever?

Wrenches

Way to go, Homer! You the man! Collecting wrenches fixes your car.

Breaking Random Objects

That's the stuff, psycho! And so it begins...

Buildings

Xbox/GameCube Version

You can go inside certain buildings by pressing the Y button. Oh, why did I agree to do this stupid tutorial? It's so boring!

PS2 Version

You can go inside certain buildings by pressing the Triangle button. Oh, why did I agree to do this stupid tutorial? It's so boring!

Races

Here's how this works: Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph run a series of races around town. Win all the races and you'll get a new vehicle. Well, what are you waiting for?

Wager Races

If you really need to put the hammer down and drive, you can always enter these time trial races. They cost a little to enter, but they have a mucho dinero payoff.

Destroying your vehicle

Wow, you really Homerized that car! Don't worry; just sit tight and everything will be as good as new. Why? Who knows. I just reads what they tells me!

Level 1: From the Couch to Conspiracies

Caravan Park Time Trial

Homer Simpson: Milhouse, you little weiner, what are you doing here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Patty and Selma won't let me ride a bike without safety wheels unless I run the driving tests.

(Homer prepares for a time trial while Milhouse starts off)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Homer wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: This is so depressing. I'm going to feed your driver's license to Jub-Jub.

Rich District Circuit Race

Homer Simpson: I know you! You're that kid who sells me Bootleg CDs on the street corner.

Nelson Muntz: Yeah, well, I've been having some legal problems lately, so I'm stuck running these races for the DMV. It was this or read to the elderly. Ugh....

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, psyche! 1...

(Homer wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: This is terrible. I'm gonna drown my sorrows at the Golden Banana.

Suburban-Countryside Checkpoint Race

Homer Simpson: Hello, little son of the police chief little angel.

Ralph Wiggum: Those nice man-ladies make me a race judge!

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 1, 1, 1, go!

(Homer wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: Ugh, this is worse than Jub-Jub ate my cat.

The Cola Capers

Marge Simpson: Homie, somebody ate every dessert in the house. I need you to run to the store and pick up some of that ice cream with the miniature pies in it.

Homer Simpson: Well, it must have been one of our kids — probably Milhouse.

(Homer arrives to the Kwik-E-Mart and speaks to Apu)

Homer Simpson: Hey, Apu. Give me a cola and I need another bucket of ice cream with mini pies.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What happened to the ice cream with mini pies your wife bought this morning?

Homer Simpson: Well, I probably ate it. I don't remember things too good.

(After completing the mission)

Bart Simpson: Congratulations, Homer. Mission complete. Go back home and talk to Mom to start the next mission.

S-M-R-T

Marge Simpson: Homie, Lisa left for school without her science project. Can you get it to her?

Homer Simpson: Oh, do I have to?

Marge Simpson: You can drop it off on your way to work.

Homer Simpson: And I have to go to work?!

(Homer finally gives the science project to Lisa before class)

Lisa Simpson: Thanks for bringing me my model of the digestion system... hey! Where's the gall bladder?

Homer Simpson: I got hungry, and it was a fig.

Lisa Simpson: It was modelling clay!

Homer Simpson: Ooooh...

Lisa Simpson: By the way, Dad, Mom called. She says she needs to talk to you at home before you go to work.

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Petty Theft Homer

Marge Simpson: Homer, go talk to Ned Flanders. He seems miffed, and PO'ed.

Homer Simpson: Why me? I'm the world's greatest neighbor. I even have a mug to that effect.

(Homer sees Ned Flanders outside his house and talks to him)

Ned Flanders: I'm all in a ditter, Homer. So many of my possessions have disappeared. I called the police to find the culprit.

Homer Simpson: Culprit, eh?

Ned Flanders: My lawn mower, my cooler, my lawn chair, a family portrait; even Rod's inhaler! What kind of sick individual would take this stuff?!

Homer's Mind: Oh no! I borrowed all of Flanders' stuff! Quick! Think of an excuse to get out of here!

Homer Simpson: Uh, excuse me. I have to go... shuck some corn...

(Homer finds Ned's tuxedo, lawnmower and needs to see Barney near the petrol station and Krusty Burger restaurant)

Homer Simpson: What's next? Flanders' cooler... I gave it to Barney...

Homer Simpson: (speaks to Barney) Uh, you remember that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.

Barney Gumble: Now what will I use for a toilet?

(Homer collects Flanders' cooler, lawn chair, and then goes to find the portrait of the Flanders family)

Homer Simpson: Almost done! Now I need Flanders' stupid picture of his stupid family.

(Homer has now collected the family portrait and now finds the last possession - Rod Flanders' inhaler)

Homer Simpson: OK, last one. Now where did I use Rod's stupid inhaler? Duh, on top of the Duff Truck!

(Homer finally receives Rod's inhaler and plans to return to the Flanders' house)

Homer Simpson: Now to return the stuff before the cops find me sitting alone talking to myself.

(Homer gives Ned back the missing possessions and asks for a reimbursement)

Homer Simpson: Flanders, look! I found your missing stuff. Now about that reward...

Ned Flanders: Thanks, neighboroonie! Here's your reward — a prayer from The Lord's #1 man. Our Father in Heaven, bless this noble oaf.

Homer Simpson: Stupid Flanders; getting happiness from religion.

Office Spaced

Marge Simpson: Homie, you're late for work, and today's your workplace evaluation with Mr. Smithers.

Homer Simpson: Ah! He'll find my scorpion farm, then where will my scorpions live?! Only one person can help me — Lenny!

(Homer drives to the Krusty Burger by the cemetery)

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Homer. How about a breakfast churro?

Homer Simpson: No time; tell me where to find Mr. Smithers!

Lenny Leonard: Yeah, I think I saw him at the Kwik-E-Mart. More breakfast churros for Lenny!

Homer Simpson: I'm gonna need a car with a little more junk in the trunk if I want to take him out. I wonder if Barney still has the Plow King.

(Homer sees Barney for the use of his Plow King)

Homer Simpson: Barney, can I borrow the Plow King?

Barney Gumble: Take what you want, sexy leprechaun... Just don't shoot me with that dart gun... Ooohh...!

Homer Simpson: Whatever.

(Homer drives over to the Kwik-E-Mart as he sees Mr. Smithers and destroys his limousine)

Waylon Smithers: Argh! My convertible! I just waxed and undercoated.

Homer Simpson: That's what you get for expecting me to do the job for which I am paid.

Blind Big Brother

(Homer goes to his workstation and looks at the camera)

Homer Simpson: Oh, how can I sleep with that camera? Oh, sexy girls could be watching me from the Internet! Stupid cameras! You should be smashed! I'll destroy you at your power source! Hahahahaha!!!

• (after destroying a power coupling) It's not like anybody likes these things.
• (after destroying a power coupling) Ha ha! Stupid like a fox!
• (after destroying a power coupling, in a mocking tone) If you're so smart, how come I broke you?
• (after destroying a power coupling) Marge will clean this mess up later.

(Homer goes around the power plant as he destroys every power coupling and then goes back to take a nap)

Homer Simpson: Finally; I can get some sleep.

(whistle blows)

Charles Montgomery Burns: (on an intercom) Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!

Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Movie 1: Secret Cameras and Mysterious Black Vans

(Homer is drinking the Buzz Cola he bought as he watches the news)

Kent Brockman: ...the famous bearded cartoon creator incarcerated in a Peruvian jail. In other news, local citizens are outraged over the discovery of surveillance cameras throughout the town. We go now to City Hall where Mayor Quimby is filling questions from an angry mob.

Mayor of Springfield: These miniature cameras are an outrage. Spying on our women's dressing rooms, bathrooms, and locker rooms is unforgivable. I think I speak for all Springfielders when I say, where is the sexy footage?!

Kent Brockman: In other unexplained news, strange black vans have been appearing all over town.

Homer Simpson: (hiding himself with a curtain) Marge... that black van is spying on us.

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie! You're so sexy when you're paranoid...

Flowers By Irene

(After Homer followed the surveillance van that leads to Mr. Burns' mansion)

Homer Simpson: So, Mr. Burns is behind all this. Evil spying is so like him, that wrinkled old monkey skeleton.

Bonestorm Storm

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns is spying on everybody! We've got to follow him!

Marge Simpson: Not now, Homer! A new violent video game has hit the streets, and we need to get rid of it before it warps any children with its bloops and bleeps!

Homer Simpson: But that game sounds AWESOME.

Marge Simpson: And therefore should be destroyed!

Homer Simpson: (agreeing slightly) I guess...

(after Homer and Marge collects the Bonestorms and head straight back home)

Marge Simpson: If only kids would play more video games about sharing.

Homer Simpson: Marge you know I have more crazy plans. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spy on my boss.

Marge Simpson: Hrmph...

The Fat and Furious

Carl Carlson: Hey, Homer. You look like you're having one of your trademark adventures.

Homer Simpson: (acting crazy) Danger... Mr. Burns... mini cameras... black vans!

Carl Carlson: Whoa, good thing I'm drunk!

Homer Simpson: Stupid drunk... Oh, no; he's going to warn Burns! I can't believe I'm racing the same guy twice in one day.

(Homer finally beats Waylon Smithers in a race and meets Charles Montgomery Burns)

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns, I know you're guilty! J'accuse!... Sir.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Fine, I admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

Homer Simpson: No, you're spying on Springfield with your black vans and surveillance cameras.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Black vans? Aren't they connected with some pizziola concern?

Homer Simpson: What?! They were only PIZZA VANS?! Oh, I'm a class five idiot!

Charles Montgomery Burns: Smithers, release the hounds! And if this oaf is an employee of the plant, fire him at once!

This Old Shanty

Homer Simpson: Hey, I know you. You're in my "Dumb Guys" support group. Mind if I borrow your truck for a while?

Cletus Spuckler: No can do, Mr. Fancy Blue Pants. I be gotten to finish up my daily chores, or else Brandine ain't makin' her musk rat pie tonight.

Homer Simpson: Fine. I'll help you with your hillbilly chores.

Cletus Spuckler: Ya help me bring out this season's harvest and I'll be takin' you anywheres you be needin' to go.

Homer Simpson: Woohoo!

Cletus Spuckler: Firstmost, I want you to go to the gas station and get some of those cardyboard tubes. Y'know 'em? I'll be buildin' me some indoor plumbin'. When you finished with that, knock down all dem tomacco plants so the young-uns can clean 'em up for market. Heh.

(Homer completes all of Cletus' errands and talks to him as he goes into his debt)

Cletus Spuckler: OK, city boy; I'll help ya. You just yell in one of those magic talk boxes and I'll come a runnin'. Ah, dem things is crazy.

Level 2: The Hunt for Bonestorm 2

Motorway Checkpoint Race

Ralph Wiggum: Hi, Mr. Lisa! If you win, the man-ladies will give you a car.

Bart Simpson: Bring it.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 5, 5, 5, 4!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: Not terrible.

Commercial District Time Trial

Bart Simpson: Milhouse! Whaddya doin' here? I thought you had a 4 o'clock wedgie from Nelson.

Milhouse Van Houten: I rescheduled. The DMV has us all doing these stupid races. This state should get some child labor laws!

(Milhouse starts a race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Bart wins the time trial in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: Good work, Bart. Next time you stay at our place, you can have a steamed vegetable of your choice.

Town Square Circuit Race

Bart Simpson: (nervous) Nelson, uh, why are you hanging around here?

Nelson Muntz: Stupid community service! I did market assaults (?) at Kwik-E-Mart. Anyway, get your license and win some stupid prize from those jerks. (Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, PSYCHE! 2, PSYCHE! 1, GO!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: 'Atta boy, Bart! You're getting a birthday present this year.

Detention Deficit Disorder

Bart Simpson: I need to get the new Bonestorm or I'll be as uncool as Milhouse!

Milhouse Van Houten: ...I'm standing right here, Bart...

Bart Simpson: Hey, that's great.

Milhouse Van Houten: You better get out of here, Bart! Principal Skinner is looking for everyone who skipped school today. And when you're caught, it's expulsion, Bart — expulsion!

(Bart gets into his vehicle and heads for the Try-N-Save, however Seymour Skinner is in pursuit against him)

Seymour Skinner: I'll get you, Bart! Like I got Charlie in 'Nam.

Bart Simpson: 'Fraid not.

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid so.

Bart Simpson: 'Fraid not!

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid so! Damn your lightning fast wits.

(Bart finally loses Skinner as he finds Jimbo near the store)

Jimbo Jones: Too late, losers; I got the last game! Four Finger Discount. Hur hur hur hur! Some crazy lady destroyed all the rest.

Bart Simpson: When will they learn? Video games don't kill people; they just kill their minds!

Weapons of Mass Delinquency

Bart Simpson: How am I going to get that new game?

Kearney Zzyzwicz: Who cares? Video games are so late '90s. Illegal fireworks are all the rage now. Better make it snappy, though, if you wanna be a part of this trend.

(Bart drives to Moe's Tavern where Otto is hanging out outside King Toot's Music Store)

Bart Simpson: One box of your finest quality Chinese frog launchers, please.

Otto Mann: Here you go. Two kilos and Chinese sky candies. They'll blow you away!

(Bart grabs the fireworks and heads into the pub)

Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Bart. I can't sell booze to a minor. It ain't right.

Bart Simpson: I'm here to buy fireworks.

Moe Szyslak: Oh, Hell yeah! Heh!

(Bart grabs the fireworks from Moe and then heads over to City Hall to talk to Snake)

Bart Simpson: One dozen of your best Tijuana toilet crackers, my good man!

Snake Jailbird: Here you go, kid. Now, don't blow your hand off... or do. What do I care!

(Bart grabs more fireworks and then he goes down to the Police Station to talk to Ralph)

Bart Simpson: Ralph. Word in the hood is that you have access to your old man's fireworks stash.

Ralph Wiggum: Fireworks make my ears yell!

Bart Simpson: Here's some gum drops, now make with the works!

Ralph Wiggum: My daddy's gonna put you in jail! Bye!

(Bart collects the last fireworks and Chief Wiggum sees him as he tries to catch him)

Clancy Wiggum: Fireworks, eh? You're looking at five consecutive life sentences... of community service!

Bart Simpson: This is bad, this is bad, this is bad!

(Bart loses Chief Wiggum and the mission is successful)

Bart Simpson: I fought the law and I won!

Vox Nerduli

Bart Simpson: Hey, Jabba the Fat! You know where I can get a copy of Bonestorm 2?

Comic Book Guy: I have no time to converse with you; I must be first to register my disgust on the Internet regarding the new McBain film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. We need to get going.

Bart Simpson: Quick! To the Fat-mobile! Hahaha!

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I suppose, but must we call it that?

(Comic Book Guy and Bart finally arrives at the Java Server before the nerd)

Comic Book Guy: I am happy to report that your quest for Bonestorm 2 is quite futile. Professor Frink posted a message on my news group, alt.furryanimals.fanfiction.net, that he has bought up all of the remaining video games.

Bart Simpson: (moans)

Comic Book Guy: I thank you not to moan in my mid-sized vehicle.

Bart N Frink

Bart Simpson: I gotta play Bonestorm 2! Gimme one!

Professor Frink: No can do, my little pointy headed friend. I need the power of video game violence to run my latest invention/monster. If you find me a World War II communication radio and a satellite, then my creation will live, and we can play with it and enjoy the frollicking.

Bart Simpson: Ohh, cool! Real violence is way better than TV violence! It's like a level boss come to life. Now who would have a World War II radio? That guy that sells all those grenades to Nelson might! I better check.

(Bart follows one of the black pizza vans to Herman's armory and sees Chief Wiggum)

Bart Simpson: Hey, Springfield's lamest! What's the deal?

Clancy Wiggum: Didn't you hear? Herman's been robbed! Do you know who did it? 'Cause if you did, boy, that would be great.

Bart Simpson: Oh, no; now where am I gonna get a radio?

Clancy Wiggum: These fresh skid marks leading away from the scene of a crime COULD be a clue. But whose to say, really?

(Bart goes to the intersection and finds Snake nearby)

Bart Simpson: Hey, Snake. What's up?

Snake Jailbird: Um, do I know you, little dude?

Bart Simpson: I need that radio you "borrowed".

Snake Jailbird: No way, little dude. This radio is gonna help me score beaucoup de chicks!

Bart Simpson: Uh, last time I checked, chicks like fast cars, not vintage electronics. Why don't we race for the radio?

Snake Jailbird: Oh, I totally agree to your proposal!

(Bart wins the race and gets the radio from Snake)

Bart Simpson: Now where am I gonna find a satellite dish? Who has those, anymore? ...I know! White trash!

Better Than Beef

Bart Simpson: Hey, there, Mister Slack-Jawed Yokel!

Cletus Spuckler: That'd be I.

Bart Simpson: Can I borrow your satellite dish?

Cletus Spuckler: Sure, if ya help me scoop up my flatmeat, sophisticated city youngster. Those darn revenuers don't like me sellin' roadkill.

(Bart and Cletus arrive back to Krusty Burger, but Apu chases them down as they tend to lose him)

Cletus Spuckler: Now all we gotta do is deliver these delicious goods to the buyer... I sure do hope they like dems snake-dogs because, heh, I do.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please stop what you are doing! No one can sell rotten meat in this town, but me!

(Bart and Cletus finally lost Apu and got back to Krusty Burger)

Bart Simpson: Krusty Burgers are made out of roadkill? That explains the tire tracks.

Cletus Spuckler: Take this satellite dish as a reward. She gets fourteen channels includin' the outhouse channel. Man, I love watchin' that!

Bart Simpson: Thanks, inbred hillbilly.

Cletus Spuckler: T'wern't nothin'.

Monkey See, Monkey D'oh

Professor Frink: You expect me to complete a Mark 10 Truckasaurus without a blender? Why don't I just make a Plasma Blade without a tennis racquet, for flavin' out loud. Now fetch me a blender with the puree and the frapee and the liquefy.

Bart Simpson: Now where am I gonna get a blender... oh, Dr. Nick! He loves blending grill drinks during surgery!

(Bart heads down to the Screaming Monkey Medical Research Center and talks to Doctor Nick)

Bart Simpson: Hi, Dr. Nick!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!

Bart Simpson: You seem like a heavy drinker. Do you have a blender?

Dr. Nick Riviera: Not now, okay? My monkeys have escaped! Can you catch them for me? I'll be so grateful.

Bart Simpson: Why won't they come back to you?

Dr. Nick Riviera: Because I have tortured them horribly, silly!

Bart Simpson: There's no way I'll be able to fit all of those monkeys into my car. I better get a big truck or something.

(Bart drives over to Homer in the hospital's car park)

Bart Simpson: I need your truck, Homer.

Homer Simpson: Why should I give you that?

Bart Simpson: Because I love you.

Homer Simpson: (laughs) Pay up, sucker!

Bart Simpson: You're charging your own son?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, I guess I am.

(Bart collects all the monkeys and brings them back to Doctor Nick before they could escape from Springfield)

Dr. Nick Riviera: Welcome home, daddy's little angels. Now to put electrodes in your brains!

Cell-Outs

Bart Simpson: Here's your last doo-dad, so can I see the Truckosaurus thing.

Professor Frink: Yes... is a word I would love to be able to say. Unfortunately, there are too many people using cellphones and the interference would then cause the monster to malfunction and kill many people. And my insurance is already sky high with the premiums and the shmemiums.

(Bart goes around the city as he destroys every car with cellphone users and then goes back to the stadium)

Professor Frink: Well done, my little sociopath! Gla-Hady!

Bart Simpson: I like to smash.

Professor Frink: Now there is no chance my Truckasaurus will go on a killing rampage with the screaming and the sadness and the HOSING OF BLOOD OFF THE ROBOT.

Movie 2: Truckosaurus Taming

Bart Simpson: Wow, Truckasaurus is some kind of truck/dinosaur! I never would have guessed.

(Suddenly the Truckasaurus looks at Bart)

Bart Simpson: Uh oh.

(The Truckasaurus roars as it swats its tail at Bart as he drives through the exit then the Truckasaurus spews fire at him but survives the blaze)

Bart Simpson: Yes! Everybody do the Bart Man!

(Suddenly a huge shadow appears surrounding Bart as the green bright light surrounds him as it abducts him)

Dial B for Blood

Bart Simpson: I need your car from the war.

Abraham Simpson: The war?! What, is the Kaiser at it again? I'll teach him! He stole my best girl and my best box of saltwater taffy!

Bart Simpson: Grampa, you're not making any sense.

Abraham Simpson: I'm tired because I let Jasper borrow my blood; I didn't think I'd need it... (groans)

(Bart collects blood from the Plasma Center and goes to Moe's Tavern)

Bart Simpson: Finding blood is easy — I'd make a great vampire... I hope that is enough.

(Bart enters the tavern and talks to Moe)

Bart Simpson: Moe, do you have any human blood?

Moe Szyslak: Nah. What about goat blood?

Bart Simpson: Sure. Why not?

(Bart collects the bag of blood from Moe and then heads to Krusty Burger near the Construction Site)

Bart Simpson: I'll meet a hard man, next time.

(Bart speaks to Jeremy Freedman)

Bart Simpson: Do you have any blood?

Jeremy Freedman: Would you like fries with that?

(Bart goes back to where Abraham is and gives the blood back to him)

Abraham Simpson: Ah, nice and warm, just how I like it.

Bart Simpson: Is that enough? I need another car.

Abraham Simpson: Take it! Oh, I'm going to pour this on my flapjacks!

Level 3: Oh Bart, Where Art Thou?

Docks Time Trial

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, are you working here?

Milhouse Van Houten: It's not so bad. I get a green cookie on Patrick's Day, but it comes out of my paycheck.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, GO!

(Lisa wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: 'Atta girl, Lisa. You have been noted on your permanent record.

Hillside Area Circuit Race

Lisa Simpson: Oh. Hi, Nelson. Why, this is a surprise.

Nelson Muntz: Oh, the pleasure is all mine. I'll be your starting man for this mission.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2... loser-says-what?

Lisa Simpson: What?

Nelson Muntz: HA HA! 1, GO!

(Lisa wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: I'm speechless, Lisa. That was better than you have any right to do.

Squidport Checkpoint Race

Lisa Simpson: Why are you working here?

Ralph Wiggum: Daddy says I should stay here until I learned how to control myself at the hardware store. Brum brum!

Lisa Simpson: Right... I'll just start racing.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 1, 1, 1, go!

(Lisa wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: She must get her driving ability from her mother's side.

*Lisa checks the ticket at the Android's Dungeon*

Comic Book Guy: Hey, don't TOUCH that! That is a ticket to the unreleased Itchy and Scratchy episode! I will only trade it for a COMPLETE set of collector cards! PLEASE DO NOTE: I said COMPLETE! I am NOT going through all that CRAP again!!

So few cards! I LAUGH at you! HAHA!

Card Collection Completion

Comic Book Guy: A complete set! Oh, I think I just formatted my pants!

Nerd Race Queen

Lisa Simpson: I need to find my stupid brother. Have you seen him?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes; can't talk, now. I must get the last copy of the new Itchy and Scratchy Adventures comic. It's the controversial issue in which they finally kiss! Assist me and I will aid you with your dilemma.

(Lisa and Comic Book Guy beat the nerd to the Itchy & Scratchy Comic Store and gets the Itchy & Scratchy Adventures comic book as they get it back to The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop before deterioration)

Lisa Simpson: Now can you tell me if you've seen my pointy-headed nuisance?!

Comic Book Guy: Silence. I must get this comic into a Mylar bag before it deteriorates to near-mint condition, heaven forbid!

(Lisa and Comic Book Guy head back to The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop)

Comic Book Guy: Now to get this inky treasure into its Mylar sanctuary.

Lisa Simpson: What about Bart? I asked have you seen him.

Comic Book Guy: I think I saw him at the Noiseland Arcade. Ah video games. What a waste of money. Now to go online and bid $1000 for Itchy and Scratchy corn-cob holders. Terrific, terrific expense.

Clueless

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse! Has Bart been here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I haven't seen him. Hey, can I buy you a frozen yogurt? I'll throw in two dry toppings or one wet topping.

Lisa Simpson: Bart's disappeared! You have to help me find him!

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, he might be at the Wall E. Weasel's. He likes the smell of the ball cage.

(Lisa heads for the Wall E. Weasel's and Milhouse appears to be there)

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse? What are you doing here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, what a coincidence! Hey, is that a new dress?

Lisa Simpson: No, I've been wearing this dress for years! Now, where's Bart?

Milhouse Van Houten: (sighs) I think he's at the Planet Hype.

(Lisa drives over to the Planet Hype and sees Milhouse who mysteriously appears)

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, hi, Lisa. Fancy meeting you here.

Lisa Simpson: Stop following me!

Milhouse Van Houten: I heard Bart's out by the Springfield Sign. Perhaps you'd like to share some chewing gum.

(Lisa drives over to the Springfield Sign and sees Milhouse for the last time)

Milhouse Van Houten: Hi, Lisa. My your hair looks pointy today.

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, have you seen Bart or not?!

Milhouse Van Houten: So, Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance?

Lisa Simpson: This is not a good time!

Milhouse Van Houten: It's NEVER a good time! (cries)

Lisa Simpson: Bart always hung out at the Kwik-E-Mart. Maybe Apu has seen him.

Bonfire of the Manatees

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, this is terrible. A very bad man is delivering road kill to all the Krusty Burgers which are cheaper than my Kwik-E-Dogs!

(Apu and Lisa collect all the roadkill to save Apu's business then Lisa needs gen on finding answers on searching for Bart)

Lisa Simpson: (giggles) That was pretty cool! But Bart's still missing and I'm still no closer to finding him.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Perhaps you should talk to Professor Frink at the Observatory. He seems to know everything... except why I ever came to this jerkwater burg.

(Lisa arrives at the Observatory and speaks to Professor Frink)

Lisa Simpson: Professor Frink! Professor Frink! My brother, Bart, is missing. Have you seen him?

Professor Frink: Well, let's see, now: Bart helped me build a monster and then disappeared into a bright light.

Lisa Simpson: Wow! This is crazy. I need someone to talk to who is wise and learned.

Operation Hellfish

Lisa Simpson: Grandpa, can you help me find Bart? He's missing!

Abraham Simpson: Maybe I'm just a senile old man, but Bart's lucky red hat fell out of that black car.

Lisa Simpson: Wow, Grandpa; what a great clue! You showed why senior citizens are valuable members of the community!

Abraham Simpson: I think my baby teeth are growing back. That's why I had to punch that nurse.

Lisa Simpson: I better get something big if I want to take that car out — like that School Bus!

(Lisa sees Otto at the Kamp Krusty)

Lisa Simpson: Otto, I know I'm a little young to be asking this...

Otto Mann: Look, I don't have any special brownies left! I ate them all.

Lisa Simpson: But do you think I can use your school bus?

Otto Mann: Oh, right. Cool. Meet my price and she's all yours, little lady!

(Lisa destroys all of the government agent cars to find any clues but all of them were empty)

Lisa Simpson: (gasps) It's empty! What's going on in this town?

Slithery Sleuthing

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Chief Wiggum. Can you help? I've gotta find my brother.

Clancy Wiggum: Uh, sorr,y little girl. I'm busy collecting evidence on Jailbird. We're busting him on the three strikes law.

Lisa Simpson: How many strikes do you have so far?

Clancy Wiggum: Uhh, no strikes, but that's only because I'm a very, very bad cop. Now, first of all, if you're gonna go undercover, you will need a disguise.

Lisa Simpson: You mean like an eye patch?

Clancy Wiggum: Hey, good one! If we could afford a disguise like that, I wouldn't be getting paid in potato chip coupons.

Lisa Simpson: So, what disguise do you have?

Clancy Wiggum: Well, here's one of Ralph's old Halloween costumes.

Lisa Simpson: Fine. Wait here while I get changed.

(Chief Wiggum collects one of Snake Jailbird's evidence)

Clancy Wiggum: Strike one: counterfeit designer jeans, the foulest of all crimes.

(Chief Wiggum collects another of Snake Jailbird's evidence)

Clancy Wiggum: Strike two: running over an elderly person without a license.

(Chief Wiggum collects all the evidence and goes back to Mr. Burns' Casino)

Clancy Wiggum: And Strike three: littering. Alright, we got all we need on this low-life. Now, about your brother. I've seen lots of mysterious government types over at the docks. Maybe they sent him on a nice cruise. They got some good deals these days. Five buffets per boat inclusive.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Chief! you are a good cop, after all.

Clancy Wiggum: Aw, you're just saying that!

Lisa Simpson: Yes, I am!

Fishy Deals

Lisa Simpson: Chief Wiggum said that there were strange stuff going on around here. Have you noticed anything weird? You know, black sedans, guys with dark glasses...

Captain Horatio McCallister: Yargh, maybe I seen somethin', and maybe I haven't. Render me a favor and it might jar me memory. Ha-ha!

Lisa Simpson: What favor?

Captain Horatio McCallister : I've got a shipment here of live mackerel. Can ye navigate the fishies to the finest restaurants in the Squidport.

Lisa Simpson: Those poor fish! I mean, sure, I'll help.

(Lisa collects Fish #1)

Lisa Simpson: One fish delivered to a happy home.

(Lisa collects two more fish)

Lisa Simpson: Have a good life!

(Lisa collects the fourth fish)

Lisa Simpson: There's plenty of good living here.

(As Lisa keeps collecting fish, in order:)

Lisa Simpson: Now you'll never be fried and served with tartar sauce.

Lisa Simpson: Next time, watch out for nets, dummy.

Lisa Simpson: Return to the wild!

Lisa Simpson: FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMM!!

Lisa Simpson: Savor your freedom, my cold-blooded friend.

Lisa Simpson: That's that. Now maybe that two-bit Ahab will tell me what he knows.

The Old Pirate and the Sea

Captain Horatio McCallister: Argh, thanks for delivering me catch of the day. Now, I can tell ye, I saw your brother.

Lisa Simpson: Really?! That's great.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Aye, he was in a long, black limo and... ahoy, there she drove!

(Lisa destroys the black limousine without Bart inside it and goes back to McCallister)

Lisa Simpson: Oh god, I destroyed the limo and killed Bart!

Captain Horatio McCallister: Haha, no murder ye be. He wasn't in the limo. He got out and boarded that ship.

Lisa Simpson: Can you take me there?

Captain Horatio McCallister: Nah, I hate the sea.

(Lisa goes aboard the C-Spanker and finally finds Bart)

Lisa Simpson: Bart, I found you!

Bart Simpson: (indistinct dialect; the only discernable words are "Cola" and "sedans")

Lisa Simpson: Bart! Bart! Snap out of it! Oh, I've gotta wake him up. Bart, how old are you?

Bart Simpson: (more indistinct dialect)

Lisa Simpson: What's your favorite catch phrase?!

Bart Simpson: Kiss my grits! (more indistinct dialect)

Lisa Simpson: It's no use! His brain is even more broken than usual. I'll have to take you home... and get you a diaper.

Princi-pal

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner! Bart's missing!

Seymour Skinner: Bart's gone?! What a tragedy! Uh, to get your this mind off this terrible loss which we all feel, why won't you help me run some errands... or as I call them, "grief helpers" for me.

Lisa Simpson: But Bart's only missing!

Seymour Skinner: Well, looking for that little monster, I mean... treasure, I can't help anything. You might as well pick up Mother's dry cleaning for me.

(Lisa and Seymour collects Agnes' laundry and heads for the Krusty Burger near Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop to get Principal Skinner's dinner)

Seymour Skinner: Well, Mother loves clean house traces and all lady underwear.

Lisa Simpson: Uh, Principal Skinner, I should really get back to my search.

Seymour Skinner: Maybe these gold stars help change your mind?

Lisa Simpson: (sighs) Alright...

(Lisa talks to the Squeaky-Voiced Teen)

Lisa Simpson: I need Principal Skinner's dinner.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here, would you like a Krusty Ribwich?

Lisa Simpson: Ugh! I'm a vegetarian!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Oh, there's no meat in it. Just paste and MSG.

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner, I can't help you anymore. I need to search for Bart.

Seymour Skinner: Lisa, I apologize from the bottom of my Vietnam veteran's heart. I promise this next stop will be the last.

(Lisa heads for Mr. Burns' Casino to see Doctor Nick)

Lisa Simpson: Uh, Doctor Nick, I'm here to pick up Principal Skinner's "personal items".

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, little girl! Aw, you're so cute! Here is Principal Skinner's anti-fungal cream.

Lisa Simpson: Eww...

(Lisa and Seymour returns to the Noiseland Arcade)

Seymour Skinner: There. I got Mother's laundry, dinner for Edna and me, and uh, personal items. Now if you just help me find a place to carry Mother's favorite canned aspex--

Lisa Simpson: (annoyed) This is ridiculous! I can't keep doing errands for you; I got to find Bart!

Seymour Skinner: For helping me with my ridiculous errands, I suppose I owe you something: if you need help for recovering your brother's body, uh, living body, give me a call.

Level 4: An Evening with Marge

Encounter with Groundskeeper Willie

Marge Simpson: Willie, what are you doing here?

Groundskeeper Willie: Eh, I got to sell my beloved tractor. Me father's been thrown in the clink for football hooliganism and I've nae money for his bail.

Marge Simpson: Well, I could certainly use a tractor around the house for hauling away Homer's empties.

Mansion and Nuclear Power Plant Time Trial

Marge Simpson: Hello, Milhouse. What are you doing here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Patty and Selma traps me in debt slavery so I can get a job from them now.

Marge Simpson: Well, I'm sure it's building character.

Milhouse Van Houten: You'll have to win these races and you'll get yourself a new car or something. I don't know... I'm so tired.

Marge Simpson: Sounds like fun! Hang in there!

(Milhouse starts the race; apparently he's not feeling well)

Milhouse Van Houten: (groans) The car fumes are making me dizzy!

Patty Bouvier: Just do it!

Milhouse Van Houten: 3... 2... (coughs and hacks) 1... ugh...

(Marge wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: (disappointed) I wish I could be happy for your success...but I can't.

Rich District Circuit Race II

Nelson Muntz: Hey, Q-tip! If you win a race, I'll give you a car!

Marge Simpson: The name is Marge, thank you!

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2 — ah, just go already.

(Marge wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: Well, I guess your life hasn't been a total waste.

Suburban-Rich District Checkpoint Race II

Marge Simpson: Little Ralphy Wiggum! How are you?

Ralph Wiggum: Candy makes me happy and tired.

Marge Simpson: So, what are you doing here?

Ralph Wiggum: Two ugly monsters called Patty and Selma say you have to race.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 6, 12, 1, go!

(Marge wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: Good work, Marjorie; you're finally turning your life around.

For A Few Donuts More

Bart Simpson: (some indistinct dialogue)

Marge Simpson: Oh... oh, Bart... what's causing your ooga-booga talk? My special little guy's noodle has turned to google. The whole town's gone nuts. Security cameras, mysterious vans, crop circles. There's got to be a connection. Maybe the police know something.

(Marge goes outside and follows Chief Wiggum to Lard Lad Donuts)

Marge Simpson: Chief Wiggum, I need you to find out what happened to Bart. Can you show me where the crop circle is? There's got to be a clue to curing Bart.

Clancy Wiggum: Oh, that's cute. I'd love to help, but I have sugar withdraw real bad, the donut store is closed, and I've got a monkey on my back screaming for crullers. Oh, he's screaming.

(Marge hits the doughnut van and collects 10 doughnuts, after that she returns to Chief Wiggum for his snack)

Clancy Wiggum: Boy, for a busybody house wife, you sure get results. That crop circle's at Cletus' shack. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a truck load of doughnuts to eat. I'm gonna need a lot of coffee (giggles).

Redneck Roundup

Marge Simpson: Excuse me...

Cletus Spuckler: I don't care if you is from New York! You ain't takin' pictures outta decrepitude for no magazines! No way...

Marge Simpson: No, Cletus; it's me, Marge! "Marge"!

Ketchup Logic

Marge Simpson: You've got to help me. I have to find out what happened to my baby boy.

Cletus Spuckler: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you was a city slicker, but I ain't tellin' ya nothin', unless you help us with the harvest.

Marge Simpson: Harvest? If I'm gonna be doing yard work, I better change or my next "mission" will be to get mud stains out of green rayon.

Cletus Spuckler: We need dem ketchup packets people done throwed out ta feast on durin' the long winter. Help me fetch 'em!

(After collecting three ketchup packets)

Cletus Spuckler: Hey, I know another dumpster 'round here somewheres. I can feel it in my stankbone.

(Marge and Cletus collects all the ketchup that was needed for the winter and goes back to the petrol station)

Cletus Spuckler: Now, about your query, my granpappy saw one of dem corn drawin's once, but he's with Allah, now. Ya might should ask some other folks 'bout it. Maybe try 'round the graveyard.

Marge Simpson: Thanks, Cletus!

Cletus Spuckler: T'wern't nothin'.

Return of the Nearly-Dead

Marge Simpson: Um, excuse me, Hans Moleman... can you help me?

Hans Moleman: Shh. I'm hiding from the police. If the police find me out past curfew, they'll throw me in jail. I won't survive another night in jail.

Marge Simpson: Well, I was wondering if you've ever seen a crop circle?

Hans Moleman: Talk to A-Abe. He mentioned crop circles once. Hurry up and get to the home before the police lock the doors.

(Marges drives back to the Simpsons' house)

Wolves Stole My Pills

Marge Simpson: Grandpa, do you know anything about crop circles?

Abraham Simpson: What?! (signs) I can't tell you about crop circles, now. Those lousy renegades stole my pills. Without my Aggroleve, I'll start biting nurses. You don't need a lawsuit, you gosh darn... crop... circles... Aggroleve...

Marge Simpson: Oh, dear!

(Marge heads over to the Springfield Elementary School and finds Nelson)

Marge Simpson: How can you hooligans steal an old man's medication? You give them back, right now!

Nelson Muntz: Oh, we traded them to some dudes in a black car for these PlayDudes. Check it out, man; this one has an interview with the guy who invented the Wa-Wa-Panel.

Marge Simpson: Hmmm.

(Marge chases a government agent car with pills as she collects ten of them and heads back to Abraham)

Marge Simpson: Here's your crazy medicine, Grandpa.

Abraham Simpson: Hot diggity! Sweet, sweet medication! Gimme, gimme, gimme! (snores)

Marge Simpson: Oh, great; now I need something to wake him up.

Movie 3: Pills Craze (and the whole truth about crop circles)

Marge Simpson: Maybe these will jog your memory.

(wakes Abraham up)

Abraham Simpson: Huh?! What?!

Marge Simpson: (slams drawer and grunts frustratingly) For the last freaking time, tell me about the crop circles!

Abraham Simpson: There I was surrounded, by Tojo and his Nazi henchmen when one of them, a raccoon as I recall, hits me with a banjo! Now, I never reasoned with a raccoon before, let alone a Nazi one, so I...

Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what does this have to do with the crop circle?

Abraham Simpson: Not a thing! Where was I? Right! Now, the first time I rode in a watertower......

Marge Simpson: CROP CIRCLE!

Abraham Simpson: OK, OK! it was so long ago I have to tell it in sepia tone.

(camera zooms in on the moon; color changes to sepia tone)

Well, as I recall, it was sort of a cosmic kinda thing. Shaped kinda like a planet with an old fashioned radio antenna comin' off it.

Marge Simpson: A planet with an antenna? That sounds awfully familiar. I think it was at the Kwik-E-Mart... that's it! It was on a bottle of pop! Maybe that will jog Bart's memory!

The Cola Wars

Marge Simpson: Bart, do you recognize this design?

Bart Simpson: (Some indistinct dialect) That's the alien mind control cola! They gave us tons of that up in the alien spaceship! They're using it to make the town go crazy!

Marge Simpson: Oh, thank God you've snapped out of your trance! I was so worried...

Bart Simpson: Later. I'm going to the arcade.

Marge Simpson: This conspiracy goes all the way to the top. I'm gonna need a little extra fire power... as Officer Marge!

(Marge collects all the coke cans and goes to the Kwik-E-Mart)

Marge Simpson: I bet Apu knows who's selling the cola.

From Outer Space

Marge Simpson: Apu, I think you should be aware that you're selling a tainted cola. Where's this stuff coming from?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, there is little here not tainted in some way. Even the astrologists I know give poor advice. But I will get to the bottom of this.

Marge Simpson: Well, it made Bart go crazy, and if I find the distributors, I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Careful, Mrs. Simpson. This cola makes people do irrational things without guilt. It is as though they have bottled the effects of a raging frat kegger.

Marge Simpson: That's it! I'm going after them and any other evil cola trucks I can find!

(Marge destroys the first evil cola truck)

Marge Simpson: I'll get you, you evil cola bottlers and distributors!

(Marge destroys the second evil cola truck)

Marge Simpson: Eat Canyonero!

(Marge heads back home but it turns out that Chief Wiggum wants his cola back and he will stop her so Marge will have to lose him)

Marge Simpson: That is settled. Now to go home to my family.

(Wiggum appears; PO'ed over Marge's crusade)

Clancy Wiggum: You took my precious cola, Marge! It is the only thing that gives me the courage to take off my shirt in the station locker room! You're going down!

Beached Love

Marge Simpson: Mr. Guy? What are you doing here?

Comic Book Guy: Well, I've been trying to convince Agnes to make fun of schoolchildren, but she refuses to go out with me. That son of hers intercepts every gift I send her and hides them in his workplace. He is a jerk and a fool.

Marge Simpson: Why not just go get them back?

Comic Book Guy: I would, but... well, I'm not a terribly mobile person. There. I said it.

Marge Simpson: Oh, I know... it's not easy being husky. Tell you what: I'll take care of this for you if you help me take care of some things.

Comic Book Guy: By the moons of Zanthor, it is a pact — the bond is made. The agreement is sacred under the vows of the knights who say—

Marge Simpson: OK, OK; I get it! Sheesh!

(Marge heads over to the Springfield Elementary School to collect the intercepted gifts and then heads back to the Comic Book Guy)

Marge Simpson: Well, that's them! My laundry.

Comic Book Guy: Thank you very much. Now I can see my beloved's sneer again. Here's my number. Give me a call if you want to hear my theories of why Krusty has jumped the shark. Good day.

Level 5: The Apu Redemption

Entertainment District Time Trial

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello, little customer! Are you here to help me in some fashion?

Milhouse Van Houten: Your nachos have hair in them!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The hair is your protein.

Milhouse Van Houten: OK, well... you have to race, now.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1, drive!

(Apu wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: You did great, Apu. You've qualified for your license. Big deal; you still work in a convenience store.

Commercial District Circuit Race

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello, little hoodlum! What is causing you to be standing here now?

Nelson Muntz: I'm supervising the bonus race, doo-rag.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2—floor it, loser!

(Apu wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: You did better than the American drivers!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I am American!

Patty Bouvier: Sure you are. That's great.

Entertainment-Commercial Checkpoint Race

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hey, aren't you the boy who almost drowned in the nacho cheese?

Ralph Wiggum: I was in the newspaper!

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 6, 12, 1, go!

(Apu wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: You did pretty good out there. Is there a Miss Nahasapatta-whatever?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Thank for God there is!

Incriminating Caffeine

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, I have been selling tainted cola! Unless I redeem myself, I will be reincarnated as a sea cucumber, or worse — a land cucumber! I must find the source of this evil beverage! The soda in-voice commanded I come here, but I see no cola factory. Ooh, a cola truck. Time for me to do that Hindu that I do!

(Apu follows the cola truck all the way to the entertainment district that stops by the Gentlemen's Club)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The Legitimate Businessman's Social Club... Looks like Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is taking on... the Mob.

...And Baby Makes Eight

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello, stereo-typical Italians. Pleased to tell me the source of the evil cola.

Louie (mafia): We don't know nothin'... except that the vans are controlled by mysterious strangers. Anyway, you shouldn't stick your nose into other people's business. It could come back to haunt you... and your family.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, my gosh! Your thinly veiled threat has reminded me of my fatherly duties! I am supposed to pick up the octuplets at the doctor's!

Eight Is Too Much

Julius Hibbert: I'm afraid we have a medical emergency.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, no! My babies!

Julius Hibbert: Your babies are about to go to the bathroom all over my waiting room and diapers aren't covered by your insurance. Ooh, you better hurry! I heard the parents of the Shelbyville 9 are grabbing every diaper in town!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I will get the diapers, but there is no way I will be able to fit them in my car. Maybe Mr. Homer will have a large gas-guzzling American vehicle that I can use...

(Apu goes over to the hospital car park for Homer's car)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Mr. Homer, sir, do you have an over-sized vehicle that I might be borrowing?

Homer Simpson: "Borrowing", no. "Selling to you at an insanely high price", yes.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Fine, whatever.

(Apu collects the diapers from the Shelbyville van and goes back to Hibbert)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Quickly; cover my incontinent children's tushies!

Julius Hibbert: Whoa, that was close. Another minute and my office would look like the Ganges River.

This Little Piggy

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello, famous American clown! I wish to ask a favor.

Krusty the Clown: Everyone wants to wet their beaks (groans).

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I require information about trucks delivering evil cola. How can I get this classified data?

Krusty the Clown: Sorry, Ap., I'm a drunk, squeezy, punchy lowlife. You need a professional scumbag. Follow a cop until you find one. You'll have better luck if ya, you know, look American.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Thank you, horrible man!

Never Trust A Snake

Snake Jailbird: Hand over your wallet, dude; this is totally a mugging.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What good luck! A criminal!

Snake Jailbird: Huh?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, surely a violent, filth bag such as yourself could find out who is driving the black cola vans.

Snake Jailbird: Well, I do have a connection with the DMV, but it will cost you. You have to pick up the litter for my community service.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: It is a deal.

Snake Jailbird: Deal, now hand over your wallet.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, yes, whatever.

(Apu has collected all the rubbish from the commercial district and goes back to Snake at the DMV)

Snake Jailbird: My friend has the information in the DMV. Pick it up, pronto.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, thank you, thank you, my violent associate!

(Apu goes inside the DMV and collects the folder, it turns out to be empty)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Empty! I am the victim of chicanery most vile!

Kwik Cash

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Sir, this folder is empty! To rob me is one thing, but I never expected you to lie!

Snake Jailbird: Dude, relax, OK? I've got the info you need. I just need help on a little more "community service". (chuckles) Oh, I'm totally evil.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I should know better to trust the demented chuckle, but OK.

(Snake and Apu drive to the Springfield Googolplex Theatres and destroy the armored van, then they return to Snake's hideout)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What service could this be in the community?

Snake Jailbird: Shut up and take us to the hideout — I mean, charity... place.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (threatening Snake) If you do not tell me who owns the cola trucks, then I will be forced to use... profanity.

Snake Jailbird: OK, OK; don't go nuts! Look, the cola trucks are registered to the museum.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The museum? Each level of this adventure is more exciting than the last!

Curious Curator

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, Mr. Bart! I have discovered that the evil cola is being made in the Springfield museum!

Bart Simpson: But that closes in five minutes!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: And my car is out of gas!

Bart Simpson: Just fill it up at the Kwik-E-Mart!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: With those prices? No way!

Bart Simpson: Fine, we'll take my car.

Movie 4: One Night at the Museum

Bart Simpson: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually excited to be going to a museum!

(He and Apu approach the meteor that contains Buzz Cola, which is leaking)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Sheba Eech Vishnu! The cola is dripping from that meteor!

Bart Simpson: Cool! Free deadly cola!

(The cola that is dripping from the meteor goes into the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton's nose, causing the dinosaur to come to life as its eyes glow bright red; Bart and Apu back away when suddenly, Bart trips over the cord powering the meteor and the meteor explodes)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We did it! We destroyed a priceless, archeological artifact!

Bart Simpson: What?! "We"?! I did all the driving!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Now let's find out who is behind all this strange cola business.

(Apu and Bart go inside a large vent and they are at the end where the barrier is)

Bart Simpson: I know it's a cliché, but... ¡Ay Carumba!

(The camera pans over Kang and Kodos, who are responsible for the coke distributions, Kodos is having a bath whilst Kang is reading a magazine)

Kang: Kodos, look at these space ratings for "Foolish Earthlings".

Kodos: What happened Kang? "Foolish Earthlings" used to be the Number One reality show in the galaxy. Space viewers couldn't get enough of these humans and their behavior.

Kang: Our show is down in all key demos.

Kodos: But our show concept was so perfect. We filmed these idiotic bipeds with hidden cameras and beamed it into every television in the galaxy.

(A TV with the Point of View of one of the wasp cameras show Groundskeeper Willie stepping on a rake and getting hit in the face by it since Sideshow Bob)

Groundskeeper Willie: (he always says this in Levels 1, 4 and 7 when the player is in the Springfield Elementary School) I'll cover your mockers!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: These aliens have been secretly filming an intergalactic reality show in Springfield!

Bart Simpson: I knew there was a simple explanation.

Kang: I'm going to introduce the evil cola into the water supply! People will go mad!

Kodos: I like it!

Kang: Then we distribute laser guns at the Squidport tourist area!

Kodos: I like it!

Kang: The cola-madden humans will go berserk...

Kodos: I like it!

Kang: Destroying themselves and their town!

Kodos: Delivering big, big space ratings for "Foolish Earthlings".

(Kang and Kodos guffaw evilly at their diabolical plan)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We've got to prevent the aliens from putting laser guns in the hands of cola-drunk townspeople!

Bart Simpson: Why? That sounds hilarious! I'd watch that show!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (facepalms) Tell you what: you're a bad little boy.

Kinky Frinky

Professor Frink: Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper person. Have you seen a hovering death machine?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: No — nothing specifically of the hovering kind, no.

Professor Frink: Oh! This was to be my greatest invention since "Sideburns in a Can"! They make you handsome and lovely.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What are you talking about?

Professor Frink: I call it the Hover Car™. Don't try to steal the name; it's TM'd. I installed the onboard computer and it came alive and attacked my person! For the love of that's glavin', you've got to help me, here!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: OK... what on earth will I do?

Professor Frink: Knock that flushigginuh thing off the road before the authorities come in and take me away, again. Prison ain't kind to pencil-necked geeks like myself; they stomp and they kick...

(Apu disables the Hover Car and goes back to Frink)

Professor Frink: Great work my Hindu friend!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Whoa, do not patronize my faith, OK?

Professor Frink: Sorry. Terribly sorry. Look, if you need a ride, instant message my cortex — by which I mean "call me". Mwa-hay!

Level 6: Go, Speed Laser, Go!

Squidport Tourist Resort Time Trial

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, still working for the man I see?

Milhouse Van Houten: I've decided to buckle under and accept it. The money I earn goes towards my dad's child support payments.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Bart wins the time trial in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: That was just barely a pass, even on our low standards, Bart.

Casino Circuit Race

Bart Simpson: Hey, Nelson, how's work been?

Nelson Muntz: I'm not allowed to beat anyone when I'm on the job. That takes them getting used to.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, 1, BLOW!

(Bart wins the circuit race in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: You're a regular land surfer, Bart. Without the full button cast, of course.

Bart Simpson: Give it time.

Squidport Checkpoint Race II

Ralph Wiggum: You and me are having a play-date. You race and I'll watch.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 3, 2, 1, I did it! I counted!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: You made good time, there. Must have been that fling from the law you have done.

Going to the 'Lu

Bart Simpson: Apu, you've got to help me warn Krusty of this alien plot, and thus saving the good people of Springfield.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot speak English! I can only speak Hindi.

Bart Simpson: But you're speaking English, now.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, I learned these words phonetically.

Bart Simpson: You're just scared about getting vaporized by the space monsters.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Up, down, up, down, go hot dog, button your undershirt, blah, blah, blah.

(not making any headway with Apu, Bart goes to see Otto the Bus Driver)

Bart Simpson: Otto Mann! I need a ride.

Otto Mann: No can do, little dude. I gotta round up these other little dudes and get them to KrustyLu for the studio tour.

Bart Simpson: That's where I need to go. Step on it, Otto!

Otto Mann: OK, right after I drop these kids off at KrustyLu.

Bart Simpson: Otto, I just said that.

Otto Mann: Alright! Stop hassling me, midget Abraham Lincoln!

Getting Down with the Clown

Bart Simpson: Barney, where's Krusty? I have to warn him.

Barney Gumble: Krusty's not here, Little Homer. He's down at the Squidport, doing a promo for this new Buzz Cola.

Bart Simpson: But that's the cola the aliens are using to control all human behavior.

Barney Gumble: Control human behavior? No beverage can do that. Oh, no... I haven't had a Duff in two hours! My life is over! (groans)

Bart Simpson: But I have to get to Krusty before the limo does.

Barney Gumble: And I have to stay here and go through the DT's.

Bart Simpson: Sounds like a plan.

Lab Coat Caper

Bart Simpson: Krusty, man, listen carefully: aliens are handing out free laser guns and cola that makes you go crazy. It'll be a massacre — the streets will be littered with lasered-off limbs and heads!

Krusty the Clown: Yeah, right, and I'm gettin' into the Country Western Hall of Fame. It just ain't gonna happen, kid.

Bart Simpson: Oh, I just got to find evidence. Who do I know that's smart enough to prove this alien conspiracy? Bumblebee Man? Comic Book Guy? Disco Stu? That's it! A nerd! Professor Frink!

Duff for Me, Duff for You

Bart Simpson: Professor Frink! You've gotta help me! No one believes my story! It's just like "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", except instead of a wolf, it's an alien conspiracy!

Professor Frink: Aliens? That would explain the strange transmissions from my Plutonium CB Radio. I must've intercepted an alien message. It says they're hiding the lasers in the Duff trucks. Gla-hady, the plot is convoluted now.

Bart Simpson: Relax, nerdlinger! I'll knock the lasers out of the trucks so I can show them to Krusty.

(Bart heads over to the Duff Brewery and stops the Duff Truck by destroying six boxes of laser guns, then heads back to the brewery blimp and collects a laser gun to use as proof)

Bart Simpson: If I show this to Krusty, he'll have to believe me! I can't believe I have a working laser gun and am using it for good. I am such a sell-out!

Full Metal Jackass

Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner, aliens are distributing deadly lasers all over Springfield! We gotta warn everybody!

Seymour Skinner: All we got to do, young man, is get that illicit goo-god off your hands. Clearly you forgot the school's zero-tolerance policy on lasers.

(Bart goes after Skinner and recovers the laser gun)

Bart Simpson: Now to show the proof to Krusty... and if he doesn't believe me now, I'll fry his butt!

Set to Kill

Bart Simpson: Krusty, I have proof, now! See this laser gun?

Krusty the Clown: Well. whaddya know? You were tellin' the truth. You've taught this old clown a lesson. Uh, blah, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera, stay in school. I just wish you told me before I let them set up those free laser gun stands.

Bart Simpson: Oh, man, I better get some heavy artillery if I'm gonna take out that much private property. Kearney should have something good.

(Bart goes to Kearney who is in KrustyLu Studio)

Bart Simpson: Hey, Kearney, I need to do a lot of collateral damage in the minimum amount of time.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: I've got just the thing. I have a car that was owned by a supervillain. He used it to conquer the East Coast.

(Bart purchases the Globex Super Villain Car and goes through Squidport as he destroys every laser stand and rush back to the studio to talk to Krusty)

Bart Simpson: Oh, why didn't I just do this in the first place?

Krusty the Clown: Oh, why didn't I know that show girl last night was a guy? Hindsight's always 20-20.

Kang and Kodos Strike Back

Bart Simpson: Dad, the aliens have taken over the Duff Brewery and they're using it to store laser guns! Ohh, never in my life had I have to do so much explaining.

Homer Simpson: What?! This is Duff's worst disgrace since Duff Ice! It's time to use my secret weapon! Remember when I told you I sold my old car so you could go to college?

Bart Simpson: Yeah?

Homer Simpson: It was a lie.

Bart Simpson: (laughs) Yay! Tough luck's worth more.

Movie 5: An Evil Plot so Severe

(Bart and Homer drive over to the Duff Brewery blimp base where Kang and Kodos park their UFO as they come out of the pit and speak to them)

Kang: The lasers were only the beginning!

Kodos : Even now, our all purpose evil cola is spreading underground through your water supply. It will wake the dead! Zombies will rise from the grave and devour the living!

Kang : And our ratings will rise! Rise to levels unseen since the heyday of Evening Shade. (The siblings laugh as they fly away)

Bart Simpson: Oh, man, that sounds cool! (Homer looks at him) I mean... Oh, no! I hope their plan fails! ...Who am I kidding? Zombies eating brains! Oh, this is gonna ROCK!

Milking the Pigs

Bart Simpson: Hey, Snake.

Snake Jailbird: Hey, kid dude. What's up?

Bart Simpson: Uh, I'm looking for a wheelman.

Snake Jailbird: Tempting. Tell you what, dude: I just walked out of Springfield Prison. BUT, if you clear up a few "loose ends" for me, I will help you.

Bart Simpson: Cool! A chance to use my petty thug training!

Snake Jailbird: Groovy! First up, Wiggum is keeping the evidence from my trial in his car. Snatch it, and he ain't got nothin' on me. Ha ha.

(Bart destroys Chief Wiggum's car and goes back to Snake)

Bart Simpson: OK, that's one smacked up pork-bag.

Snake Jailbird: Oh, yes! I am a free man, again! Now let's get a little "venture-capital", shall we? I hear Fat Tony is totally paying big bucks for every milk truck that gets smashed up. Lord knows why, but he's the kingpin, apparently.

(Bart destroys the milk truck and then returns to Snake)

Snake Jailbird: OK, dude, here's the deal: You need me, you just call my service and I will be there. Later, dude.

Level 7: Nightmare on Evergreen Terror

Kwik-E-Mart Time Trial

Homer Simpson: Hey, zombie! You're working at the DMV, now?!

Half-headed Zombie: Braaaaaaaaains...

Homer Simpson: Thank you; I do have nice brains.

(the zombie starts the race)

Half-headed Zombie: Braaaaaains... braaaaaaiiiins...!

(Homer wins the time trial)

Half-headed Zombie: Mrrruuugh...?

Haunted Suburbia Circuit Race

Homer Simpson: If I win this, you have to promise not to eat my brains.

Garment-worn Zombie: Noooo... deal...

(the zombie starts the race)

Garment-worn Zombie: Braaaiiin? Braaains? Braaaiiiins!

(Homer wins the circuit race)

Garment-worn Zombie: Hrrrrruuurrrrr.....

Suburban-Countryside Checkpoint Race II

Homer Simpson: OK, living dead; Let's do this and get back to try to kill each other!

Lowlife Zombie: Arms... legs... limbs...!

(the zombie starts the race)

Lowlife Zombie: Brain... Brains... Brains!

(Homer wins the checkpoint race)

Lowlife Zombie: Uuuurrrrrgh?!

Rigor Motors

Lisa Simpson: Dad! The zombies are on the way! Shouldn't we do something?

Homer Simpson: Not now, Lisa; I'm trying to listen to the baseball game.

Kent Brockman: (on television) It's the top of the seventh and, oh, God, zombies! They're devouring the crowd. Now... ah, they're eating my brain! Oh, the pain! AHHHHHH!!!

Homer Simpson: Oh, alright; I'll get some survival supplies. Stupid Brockman, getting eaten by zombies...

(Homer goes over to the Flanders' house and asks Ned for a first aid kit)

Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.

Ned Flanders: Well, I was hoping to save it for Rodder and Todder to bandage their brain-eating boo-boos.

Homer Simpson: Look, just rub a bible on them.

Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?

Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely! Here's the first aid kit!

Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in heaven?

Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a poor, hungry zombie.

(Homer collects the first aid kit and heads over to the Spuckler's house for boards)

Homer Simpson: Let's see... what can I use to board up the windows? Ah, I know! Boards!

Cletus Spuckler: (yells at Homer for stealing his boards) Hey, come back here! Dem's our sleepin'-on-boards! Oh, guess I hafta use a hog fo' a pillow, now...

(Homer then drives to Moe's house to get a weapon)

Homer Simpson: Moe, I need your chainsaw to chop up attacking zombies.

Moe Szyslak: But then how will I defend myself?

Homer Simpson: Moe, Moe, Moe... Shouldn't the weapons go to people who have loved ones?

Moe Szyslak: (sighs) Yeah, I guess so.

Homer Simpson: I think I made my point.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I better comb my hair before the zombies get here. (sighs) My life stinks.

Long Black Probes

Homer Simpson: Hey! You there! Smelly Sam! What's going on?

Comic Book Guy: The alien craft is using some sort of tractor beam to suck up trespassers to their doom. Worst. Effects. Ever.

Homer Simpson: But that's real!

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Effects. Ever.

Homer Simpson: What's with the cool black car?

Comic Book Guy: If my knowledge of sci-fi movies is correct, which it is, the black car is an advanced probe for the mothership. Now, if we're through, I will spend my last hours on Earth, complaining about movies on the Internet.

Homer Simpson: The gift of life is wasted on you.

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I recommend you obtain a zombie car. It will protect you well, but it runs on human brains. A slight drawback.

Homer Simpson: I got plenty of those!

(Homer follows the probe car to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant)

Homer Simpson: The power plant? I'm bored of this level.

Pocket Protector

Professor Frink: I'm glad you're here, my morbidly obese ally. Based on my mathulations, I've figured out the aliens' weakness: it's nuclear waste! Yuck!

Homer Simpson: Uh, and how does that affect me?

Professor Frink: Well, it could save the life of you and your family.

Homer Simpson: And?

Professor Frink: Look, I've loaded my vehicle with nuclear waste from the power plant. It's going to deliver this toxic payload to the alien ship, risking myself and my delicious brain to zombie snacking which, if you've never undergone that, I can tell you it stings.

Homer Simpson: What a hero! And I never knew his name.

Professor Frink: Uh, it's Professor John Frink.

Homer Simpson: (shakes his fist) Are you still here?

(Homer and Frink go to the UFO in the playground as Frink gets sucked up and blows up)

Professor Frink: That's the alien craft. Now to get out of the path of the... TRACTOR BEAM!!! OH, IT'S SUCKING ME UP!

Homer Simpson: (devilish laughter) Boy, talking about hitting the nerd! (continued nerfarious laughter). If I am going to kill these town filming, black car driving, cola poisoning, laser distributing, reality show filming monsters, I am going to need some more toxic waste!

There's Something About Monty

Homer Simpson: I need to find some nuclear waste, and fast!

Lisa Simpson: Why don't you ask Mr. Burns? His buried nuclear waste has poisoned Springfield for years to come.

Homer Simpson: Good ol' Mr. Burns! He'll save us! Thank goodness for nuclear waste.

(Homer goes to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant but it seems like the probe car is chasing him and he must lose it)

Homer Simpson: Uh-oh. It's that black car, again! Ohh, it has the agility of a sub-boss combined with the tenacity of a level boss!

Alien "Auto"topsy Part I

Charles Montgomery Burns: Ooh, is it you, Merryweather, come to haunt me, again? I killed you once... I...

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns! It's me, Homer Simpson!

Charles Montgomery Burns: So, you're not the ghost of my former partner? Phew... Well, that was... well.

Homer Simpson: Look, I need to get some barrels of radioactive waste to save Springfield from the aliens.

Charles Montgomery Burns: I agree; illegal aliens are a nuisance.

Homer Simpson: Not leafblower aliens; tentacle aliens.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Go. In that case, here's a map to where I buried nuclear barrels all over Springfield. They won't be able to find me — bleeding heart liberals. I hope they... bleed from the heart.

(Homer drives with the vehicle of his choice with nuclear waste attached to it, he goes near the UFO as the vehicle blows up)

Homer Simpson: Oh, man! My car is gone! And the ashtray was full of pennies! I'm gonna need another car fast!

Alien "Auto"topsy Part II

(Homer approaches Snake Jailbird)

Snake Jailbird: Wow. Imagine — me getting car jacked. What a total switcheroo.

Homer Simpson: Just go!

Snake Jailbird: And what will you do if I don't?

Homer Simpson: Flip you the bird!

Snake Jailbird: OK, don't get freaky! Get in!

(Snake and Homer reach the UFO with the nuclear waste as Snake gets abducted)

Snake Jailbird: Sayonara, dude!

Alien "Auto"topsy Part III

(Homer approaches Abe)

Homer Simpson: Where'd you get that sweet ride?

Abraham Simpson: I bought it with my social security. Thank you, Uncle Sucker.

Homer Simpson: Gimme a lift. I gotta save Springfield.

Abraham Simpson: You're not gonna sacrifice me for the greater good, are you son?

Homer Simpson: We'll see, Dad. We'll see...

Abraham Simpson: (groans)

(Homer and Abraham successfully reaches the UFO and Homer bails out)

Homer Simpson: (as Abraham is nearly at the bottom of the UFO) Hurry up! I have to pee!

Movie 6: Last Wasteful Drop

Abraham Simpson: (having been abducted by the beam) I SMELL TOOOOAAST!!!

(the nuclear waste explodes on impact as the UFO loses control and crash-lands into the Springfield Elementary School)

Homer Simpson: Eat nuclear death you effeminate, wrinkly space wads! (giggles) Imagine that — scared of some harmless nuclear waste. So very harmless. Ow!

(Homer looks at his back and there is a third hand scratching him)

Homer Simpson: Cut your finger nails!

(The Rigellian siblings emerge from the crashed UFO looking like they are about to die)

Kang: That fortune teller was right: I do end up dying in a spaceship crash.

(a SpaceVariety newspaper article comes up, then the Simpsons are gathered up on the sofa at home)

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm really proud of you for rescuing us all from that alien invasion.

Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought that was a bad dream after eating too many raw hot dogs.

Marge Simpson: No, Homie. You're the town hero.

Homer Simpson: Sweet! And the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hot dog dream?

Lisa Simpson: Hot dog dream.

(Bart runs in from the other living room)

Bart Simpson: Dad, your fans want you outside!

Homer Simpson: Fans?

(Homer puts his Duff can down to see what is going on outside. He opens the door to show tons of different coloured Rigellians)

Homer Simpson: Oh. Those fans.

(Homer bends down and grabs his newspaper; he gets up, the different colored Rigellians cheer, and encourage him to show off by showing his muscles. The camera pans over to the sky where Kang and Kodos are on a cloud)

Kang: At least our show was a success.

Kodos: Why did we go to Earth Heaven when we died?

Kang: At least we don't have to sit through the stupid video game credits.

(Kodos points down as Kang looks down as the ending title moves up)

Kang: NOOOOOOO!!!

Flaming Tires

Homer Simpson: Mr. Smithers, can you help me out? There are some scary, weird, godless fascinating stuff going on.

Waylon Smithers: Not now, Mr. Simpson. Mr. Burns wants me to run some errands, but I have a brunch date. You know how it is.

Homer Simpson: Whatever. Just give me the mission.

(Homer collects Mr. Burns' sock garters and sees Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: Here you go, Mr. Smithers.

Waylon Smithers: Oh, thank God! The socks have been pulling around his ankles for days and this is his favorite brand. Allan Quartermain's keep-em-ups.

Homer Simpson: Hmm... what next?

(Homer collects Doc Wunderstein's Tooth Powder and returns to Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: Doc Wunderstein's Tooth Powder.

Waylon Smithers: Thanks, Simpson. Mr. Burns doesn't have teeth anymore but it makes him feel young when I rub this on his gums. Things we do for a while.

Homer Simpson: Ugh, that's gross... What's next?

(Homer collects the "Yes, We Have No Bananas" record and heads back to Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: What does he need this for?

Waylon Smithers: Um, Mr. Burns, likes to bo-do-de-oh-cercize every morning, it keeps his muscles from falling off the bone.

Homer Simpson: Hehe, great. Gotta go!

Credits

The credits roll as you can see different kinds of people who are behind the makings of this game. Plus Kang and Kodos are talking during the ending about them.

Kang: (on producer John Melchior) That guy deserves such a probing. Who are these people? I never saw them during production.

Kodos: They implement torture and punishment. The other drones scuddle and run at their approach.

Kang: What is the difference between a associate producer and a producer anyway?

Kodos: Uh, if you ask me, these humans spent too much time exchanging all protein strands with one another.

Kang: (on the Vivendi Universal Games Marketing Team) So, what about this clutch of primates?

Kodos: They dispense the millions of green currency credits required to build the recreational software.

Kang: What do earthlings do with these "green credits"?

Kodos: They are used to control the rationing of essential items like food and toilet seats! (groans in revolt) If I get another memo from that guy, I swear I'm going to plotz!

Kang: (on Radical Entertainment producer Vlad Cerali) This one is the alpha-male. His sweet odor and brightly-colored shirts ensure dominance.

Kodos: He'll never know his workers have been slowly poisoning him. I really have no idea what these people did.

Kang: Next year, let's use the female for our cross-fertilization initiative.

Kodos: Ha! She wouldn't give you ten seconds.

Kang: Talk about a waste of DNA.

Kodos: Indeed, I've met smarter people in the drunk tank.

(after a few names of people have scrolled down)

Kodos: These humans were okay.

Kang: This guy was always saying, "don't go there." What a loser. One of these guys had the creepiest forehead.

Kodos: Hmph! I've blown better special effects out of my smell-hole!

Kang: (on the animators) These people made me quote movies in the software. Hopefully not everyone will skip their creations as I did.

Kang: (on the artists) These humans make me look fat.

Kodos: Oh, stop it. You're as thin as the day I birthed you.

Kang: (on the programmers) And these bi-peds?

Kodos: They are the slaved underclass, tied to radiation dispensers day and night.

Kang: Truly death is their only release.

Kodos: This one is MOST entertaining! I lead my aids in his brain tissue.

Kang: (on the designers) The earthlings never learned that we replaced these guys with clones eons ago.

Kodos: To them, our bloody vengeance will soon be complete.

Kodos: So, these must be the auditory humanoids. Strange, how they are all so old.

Character Dialogue

Pedestrians

• Hey!

• Look out!

• Watch out!

• This is the worst town in America!

• Hey! Eyes on the road, jerk!

• Gwah?!
• Maniac!
• Jerk!
• Bully!
• Meanie!
• Poopy-face!
• My face!
• My teeth!
• My spine!
• Help!
• Help me!
• Hey! Watch it!
• Careful!

• This is a school zone!
• You're mean!

• Ey, get your face outta my face!

• What the heck were you thinking?!
• Quit it already!
• Ow! Stop it!

• This isn't funny.
• I'm calling mother!
• Goodbye, cruel world.

• Spines don't bend that way!

• Heh. Thanks a lot, Mr. Break-My-Legs.

• I am so sick of this happening!

• That does it. I'm moving to Shelbyville.

• You almost hit a person!!

• This is really a bad day.

• Careful! I have bad reflexes!

• I'm scared and disorientated!

• I'm not afraid to die!

• I don't like you!

• Hey, watch out!

• Why did you do that?
• I regret nothing!
• I'm flying!

• You haven't seen the last of me!

• Not again!

• Ugh! Why is this happening?!
• What's wrong with you?!
• I don't like you!

• Slow down!

• You better run!

• I need a sick day.
• What's happening?!
• This isn't right at all!
• I'm getting a lawyer!
• Beat it, buddy!
• You're mean!

• This is one weird place!
• That was my last baby tooth!
• Leave me alone!!
• Make it stop!!
• No running!

• Huh. Takes more than that to kill me.

• Watch it, buddy!

• You can't touch me there. Nothing gives you that right.
• Now I have cooties!
• You have many personal problems, don't you?
• What's wrong with you, mac?

• How'd you like a newspaper upside your head?!

• Sad day for generic characters everywhere.

• How's about getting off the road?
• How's about quitting that already?

• Can't an honest man go for a walk anymore?
• This town is full of idiots!
• Ugh! What a life.
• I have no time for this!
• Is this because I'm not popular?
• Why me, god?!

Zombies

• Braaaaaaaiiiiiiinsss...

• Muuuuuuuuunnnnghhhh...!

• Uuuuuuuuughhh...

• Brrrrrraaaaaaaiiiinns.... (slurps)

• Uuhh...why...me...alive...?

Homer Simpson

• Piece of cake! Mmm... cake...

• (running) Must...never...run...again!
• (attacking pedestrian) Why you little...!
• Sweet!
• (getting in vehicle) Let's roll!
• (getting in vehicle) Hey! I found my lost nachos.
• (getting in vehicle) Well, it's about time!
• (collision) OK, that's a lawsuit!
• (police car spawn) The important thing is I'm imagining these guys...
• (running) Wow, I need a disco nap.
• (running) Ouch! My bikini zones... Chafing!
• (running) Chest pains! Having chest pains!
• That was easy as pie! Mmm... eggs over easy...
• It's crashing time!
• We're number one! We're number one!
• I'm king of the world!
• Everyone sucks, but me!
• In your face!
• (mission passed) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
• In your face! Woo-hoo!
• I'm so talented — and good looking.
• (off the map) Wheeeee!
• (jump pad) Bouncy-bouncy!
• (jump pad) Ooh! I'm soaring like a candy wrapper in an updraft!
• What's up?
• My name is Homer.
• How's it hanging?
• (collecting an item) You mean I'm gonna get more?
• (getting in vehicle) Let's do this thing!
• I should sell this on the Internet.
• Whatever food doesn't kill me, makes me stronger!
• (ramp jump) Just call me Air-Homer!
• Face King Homer if you dare!
• Eat my dust!
• Whoa!
• (ramp jump) WOO-HOO! ALRIGHT!!
• (collision) Wow, this car sure can take a beating.
• U-S-A! U-S-A!
• Woo-hoo! You should be in Cannonball Run!
• I love to sit.
• Your driving is adequate, but lacks passion.
• (crashing into objects) Uh, it was like that when I got here.
• (get out of vehicle) Oh, I forgot my mission.
• (get out of vehicle) Walk?! That wasn't part of the deal!
• (get out of vehicle) Oh, yeah... stretch the legs and the crotch!
• (running) I wish I had a dog with a saddle.
• (pick up repair icon) Oh, I wanted a peanut!
• Now where am I going to put all of these things.
• (getting in driver seat) (whispers) That's the wrong side!
• (getting in driver seat) Hee-hee! You're dumber than me!
• (getting in driver seat) What part of "get in" don't you understand?
• (getting in driver seat) The door is locked and I'm too lazy to open it.
• Now, this is the perfect example, of that my car will NEVER work in this country.
• ...And people say I'm slow. Wait a minute! That was an insult!
• 2, 4, 6, 8! You suck! I'm great! La-da! Da-da! You are the one... I... hate...
• 2, 4, 6, 8! You suck! I'm great! La-da! Da-da! You! I hate!
• (during a race) He used a cheat code!
• Bart did it.
• (activating switch) Oh, I hope "Do Not Press" means "Press Right Away".
• (activating switch) What's this do?
• (activating switch) Thingy goes up.
• Ooh, the vibrations are tickling my feet.
• (activating switch) Woo-hoo! I love senselessly pushing things!
• (phone booth) Can you come and get me? I'll pay you in back rubs.
• (phone booth) (shouting) CAN YOU COME AND GET ME?! I'LL PAY YOU IN BACK RUBS!
• I am looking for something like a breakfast burrito.
• Possessions are fleeting...
• Oh sure; use me for my car...
• I have road rage and I know how to use it!
• (collision) OW! My neck!
• (collision) Oh, I swallowed my gum!
• (collision) Oww, my ass!
• As soon as I'm done scratching myself, you're history!
• (whispers) I'm not a very good driver...
• Get outta my way, jerkass!
• Damn it! I dropped my kebab!
• Watch it! I almost spilled my sundae!
• Oh, I bit my tongue!
• Aw, now I have a wedgie!
• (collision) Ow! my head!
• (collision) Ooh, I think I broke something.
• Learn to drive, dumbass!
• Lousy rotten karmic retribution!
• Nothing lasts forever.
• D'oh!
• (off the map) Save me, Jebus!
• (off the map) Save me, Duffman!
• (off the map) HOMER GO BOOM!!!!
• (off the map) WHEE!!!
• (off the map) AHHHHHH!
• Hee hee hee hee hee!
• I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer!
• Tisk, tisk, tisk, tisk. Reckless driving is my pet peeve.
• Outta control!
• (vehicle becomes total) That was so painful!
• (vehicle becomes total) Why me?!
• So far, so good.
• I feel bad about myself...
• Woo-hoo!
• Looks harder than it is.
• (police car spawn) Another one?!
• (phone booth) I need your help; my car is, uh, sleeping.
• Lousy generic villains.
• Vengeance will be mine!
• I am excellente!
• Take this!
• YAH!
• GRRRRR!!
• An older boy told me to do it.
• I keep making God madder and madder.
• Homer hates losing... HOMER SMASH!
• I'm a lean, mean, speed thingy!
• I have no insurance!
• If I had a dollar for every time someone called for me to pick them up, I'd have one dollar!
• Please don't sue!

Bart Simpson

• Bart Simpson at your service!
• Perfection, thy name is Bart!
• Aw man, that sucks and blows!
• Loser!
• Ow! Quit it.
• (police car spawn) It's all good.
• (collision) Ugh, my ovaries!
• (coliision) My ribs cost $900!
• (collision) Charlie horse! Charlie horse!!
• (collision) Careful, I bruise easily.
• (collision) Ow, my coccyx!
• (collision) Ow, my skull, my beautiful skull.
• You cheated! Cheater!
• Eat my dust, dust eaters!
• Yeah, I totally rule!
• Oh yeah. I totally rule.
• And the crowd goes wild!
• Give it up for America's bad boy!
• What's my name? Boo-yah!
• Don't forget to write!
• This must be worth a fortune!
• Hey! Slower traffic on the right please!
• (starting to drive) Eat asphalt, asphalt eaters!
• Lisa did it!
• Haha, I hope that was expensive.
• (getting in vehicle) It's time for some road rage, Bart Simpson style!
• (collision) I hope that didn't break my memory card.
• Not the detailing.
• (off the map) Nooooooooooooo... (pause) ...ooooooo!
• Oops.
• (off the map) Eep!
• Why does everyone bother me?
• My butt hurts!
• You're all mine! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
• All for Bart!
• Finally, my years of ballet are paying off.
• All right, that was so cool!
• Yo, lift now...please?
• Oh, man, this sucks!
• I didn't do it.
• Fine by me!
• No problemo!
• You got it!
• Whoa, got him!
• Not as far as I can take it!
• You thought I'm scared, but you thought wrong!
• Move it or lose it, tool!
• Cowabunga, dude!
• That was totally awesome!
• Bingo!
• Don't have a cow, man!
• I am the king!
• Wow, nice driving, man!
• (leaving car) Awesome, man! That was the best ride ever!
• (phone booth) Attention cars: 10-year-old hitchhiker needs a ride.
• (laughs) I should do that more often.
• (collision) Take THAT!
• (collision) Aw, incroyable! (Aw, Incredible!)
• I shouldn't enjoy this so much.
• Whoa, that was the coolest!
• Oh, this is too cool for school.
• (starting to drive) Jump to light speed!
• (phone booth) It wouldn't be so much trouble, I really need a new car.
• (phone booth) Breaker, breaker: This is Bart Simpson, requesting one pimp ride A.S.A.P.
• Lousy laws of physics!
• I'll never lose these love handles...
• (panting) Just give me a sec...to catch my breath...
• (panting) Energy depleting...need sugar!
• If I didn't play so many video games, I'd be in better shape.
• (phone booth) Hello drivers, got a little situation here!
• Damn automatic transmission!
• (phone booth) Yo, a lift? Now.....Please?
• (groaning) I just know I'm gonna be blamed for this.
• My dad will pay for all the damages.
• I'm flying! Temporarily flying!
• Boing!
• So tired...(yawning) so very tired.

Lisa Simpson

• Lisa Simpson at your service!
• (running) I could sure use a pony right now!
• Like I don't get enough bullying at school.
• Am I old enough to drink coffee yet?
• (jump pad) I'm soaring through the sky!
• (jump pad) Sticks the landing.
• I hope these are recyclable.
• (running) Phew...I should've payed more attention in the gym.
• (running) Maybe a soy pop would perk me up.
• (running) Walking is so PC.
• (running) So hungry....need federally mandated breakfast!
• Oh, dear.
• (police car spawn) Incoming bad guy!
• (police car spawn) Where are they coming from?
• (police car spawn) Uh-oh. I need a little help here.
• Oh no!
• Time to move!
• All for Lisa!
• I go girl!
• KID POWER!!
• I hope Bart gets blamed for that.
• (getting in driver seat) Despite my age, I am driving here.
• (getting in driver seat) Um...you want the other side.
• (getting in driver seat) You're a passenger, so get in the passenger side.
• (getting in driver seat) I think you want the other side, Mr. Stupid.
• (off the map) Look at me, I'm flying!
• HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
• Yay! I won, I won, I won!!!
• Easy as pie! The number that is.
• Oh, yeah, I've got my mojo working now!
• Speed, glorious speed!
• Thank goodness for seatbelts.
• Hello, Springfield!
• The time for action is now!
• Let's just do this thing!
• Take that, gravity!
• Ah, sweet forward momentum!
• Sorry, sorry!
• Please don't sue!
• Don't think I won't sue!
• Mooooooooove it!
• That is assault, THAT IS ASSAULT!
• Pissed off 8-year-old, coming through!
• (Destroying a car) You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.
• Watch where you're going!
• OW!!
• OUCH!!
• (off the map) WHEE!!
• Why don't you do some bullying at school?
• GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!
• HA!!!
• (collision) Ow! My hair!
• (off the map) OH NO!
• Sorry, buddy, you're too slow!
• I am the lizard queen!
• I don't want to share this with Bart.
• (phone booth) I hope kids at home don't imitate my hitchhiking.
• (phone booth) Um, I seem to be a little stranded here, can you help a sister out?
• (phone booth) Could you come get me?
• Hey, I'm just a little girl!
• You should do some mathematics, loser!
• Whew, I need to work on my cardio.
• Mmm, smell that fresh air.
• Oops.
• Class is dismissed until Willie cleans up Ralph's latest "uh-oh".
• There goes my college money!
• I'm gonna have to do so much babysitting to pay for that!
• You should study maps more!
• Milhouse just tattooed my name on his stomach.
• Pené is my favourite pasta shape.
• Superintendent Chalmers wants to turn this school into a shoe factory.

Marge Simpson

• Marge Simpson at your service!
• (chuckles) Nice girls finish fast!
• Where to next, video game?
• You couldn't follow a parade!
• (chuckles) I shouldn't enjoy that.
• Sensible shoe to the metal!
• Marge in charge!
• How about that!
• (police car spawn) Oh great, this I need.
• (police car spawn) Son of a biscuit!
• (police car spawn) Where do these dogooders come from?
• No time for caution!
• Why do you keep hitting everything?
• (collision) Eh, I'll clean that up later.
• (collision) Ow! My tushie! Whoo!
• Move it or lose it, buster!
• WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
• Ice your wounds!
• I hope they're alright.
• Oh dear. I sure hope no one saw that.
• (collision) Is this gonna affect my insurance?
• Now I wish I had insurance.
• I'll do my best.
• Oh my goodness!
• Look! No hands!
• Cautiously, wildly accelerating!
• Oh my.
• Are you blind?
• It was an accident!
• Send the bill to Homer.
• (collision) Smashy-smashy!
• (collision) Oh, the repo guys aren't gonna like that.
• Get that hoopty-rig off the road!
• Road... rage... BUILDING!
• Steady, Marjory, steady.
• Ah, its just nice to be out of the house.
• Oh, I don't have any pockets.
• Did I win? I had no idea!
• Power walking is good for my cottage cheese thighs.
• Having three kids really slows you down.
• I won? I'm sorry.
• Now where do I go?
• Oh, doorbugs!
• Ooh, polygons!
• Oh, that looked expensive.
• Oh, I hope I didn't have to pay for that.
• I swear I used to be a better runner.
• I'm not very good at this!
• (phone booth) Sexy mommy needs a ride!
• This is going next to Bart's baby shoes.
• Slow and steady wins the race.
• (police car spawn) Not another one!
• I need a long island iced tea!
• Canyonero!
• You almost nicked me!
• No no, nooo, oh no! Don't do that!
• I'm going to need a lot of rubbing alcohol.
• Leave your rage at home where it belongs!
• I'm OK, I just need to walk off.
• Get your caboose in here!
• (getting in driver seat) Uh, excuse me, I'm driving.
• (getting in driver seat) Ugh, wrong side...
• (getting in driver seat) That door is locked!
• Eat Canyonero!
• Hi there, Mr. Smiles!
• Hello, my name is Marge.
• Wakey-wakey! Eggs and bakey!
• AAAAAAAAGH!
• Easy... Easy!
• OH MY HEAVENS!
• Come on, come on, let's keep it moving!
• OK, Marge, stick to the plan.
• Time for some blind pavement action.
• Ooh, feels good to stretch my yams!
• I hope this car doesn't stink too bad.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

• (running) Oh, I should sleep more.

• Hindu coming through!

• (collision) Agh! I smashed my skull.

• (running) My giant gut is... (gasps) ...is slowing me down.

• Ha! Clean up in Aisle One!
• Thank you, come again!
• (police car spawn) Where'd that guy come from?
• (collision) Oh! Dear!
• (collision) This is not good for my insurance.

• It looks like the end of the road for Apu...
• I have brought shame to my family and my store.
• I feel like an untouchable.
• Oh, I cannot watch such a display of failure!
• (off the map) OH, PLEASE BE A DREAM!!!

• I have brought glory to the name of Nahasapeemapetilon!
• I am the greatest driver in all the land!
• Oh! I feel like a Brahmin!
• Shiva H. Vishnu! My jubilation knows no bounds!

• Oh, Shiva smiles on such behavior.

• 300 horses of convenient power!

• I might suggest buying a checkered rashing, for it is the greatest thing in churned fats.

• What are you trying to prove with this crazy driving?

• (phone booth) If you give me a ride, I will pay you a million dollars in the next life, I promise.

• What in the hell were you thinking?

• Oh, how unproductive.

• Never have I seen such a four-wheel disgrace!

• (hitting pedestrian) Get out of my way, silly pedestrian!

• (hitting pedestrian) Out of my way, silly customer.

• Oh, stay out of my way please, Kwik-E-Mart business.

• (hitting pedestrian) You should not have stepped in front of my car.

• (hitting pedestrian) Thank you for not dodging!

• Look out! My flesh is less resilient than it looks!

• How are you this fine day?

• (pick up repair icon) This is just between me and you, random object!

• Jiminy Crickets!
• Good karma!

• (pick up repair icon) Who put this here? It makes no sense!

• Please come again!

• Thank you all for coming, I'll see you in Hell!
• Nice try, foolish driver!
• Your failure shames you... yes, you!

• Ah, come on! He cheated!

• Move it, cracker!

• Move your clumsy vehicle!
• Perhaps I should refrain from doing that in the future.

• Hey! Move it, whitey!

• I am a lean, mean, vindaloo machine!

• Hopefully my store will not be robbed more than four times while I am driving around today.

• Oh, I better hurry - last time I left the store, hoodlums put pornography in the bridal magazines.

• I must admit: the smell of fresh air is much more pleasing than the odor of the hot dog machine.

• Try this new health bar, made from entire chocolate.

• (phone booth) Could I possibly get a ride?
• Your misfortune is most entertaining to me.

Ralph Wiggum

• The doctor said I won't have any nosebleeds if I stuck my finger up my nose.

• This is my sandpit, I am not allowed to go in the deep end.

• Chicken legs are scary.
• I just made an uh-oh.
• Wee, I'm like a little birdy!
• I'm scared.

• Mommy says scabs are nature's bandages.

• Ralph Ralph Ralph! Ralph Ralph Ralph!

• You're a stupid head who's stupid.
• My bad breath smells like cat food!

• Help! You're hitting my special area! (crying)

• (after drinking paste as he feels funny) My pee came out.

• (when Homer presses the buzzer at the Wiggum's house) Yay, a stranger!
• (when Homer presses the buzzer at the Wiggum's house) The door says "knock knock!"

• (when Homer presses the buzzer at the Wiggum's house) Are you the Easter Bunny?

Ned Flanders

• Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho neighbor-rino!

Homer Simpson: (throws the doughnut at Ned) Shut up, Flanders!

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely!

• Don't you know the gumdrop? Uh, I mean the password?

Seymour Skinner and Agnes Skinner

• Agnes Skinner: (when Seymour crashes) Are you trying to kill me?!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother!

• Agnes Skinner: (when Seymour crashes) This guy drives worse than you Seymour

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother!

• Seymour Skinner: (crashing) Fire in the hole!

• Seymour Skinner: (when Homer or Marge sounds the school fire alarm) Remain calm students; all is well in the school. My authority as principal is total... (static)

• Seymour Skinner: Should you be in class?
• Agnes skinner: Tell them to get in the other side! I don't SPEAK, moron!
• Seymour Skinner: Yes, mother.
• Agnes Skinner: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, SEYMOUR?!
• Seymour Skinner: No, mother.

• Agnes Skinner: I banged my head! You're getting a spanking Seymour.

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: You broke something, Seymour!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

*Lose to Skinner in SMRT*: I think there's some room for you in the remedial class!

• Agnes Skinner: If I need a new hip this time, I'm taking yours.

Seymour Skinner: Fine, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: You're ruining the tires, Seymour! I'm not paying for them!

Seymour Skinner: Fine, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Even your speed disgusts me!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Oh, you're accelerating all wrong, Seymour!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Aaaargh!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother!

• Agnes Skinner: You better break my fall!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Fairies fly, Seymour. Principals drive!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Ooh, big man thinks he can drive fast, don't make me laugh!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: You drive like a girl! A handicapped one!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: You even crash like a girl!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: You, drive like a sissy!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother!

• Agnes Skinner (when hitting a pedestrian): There's no shame in felling another human Seymour, so stop crying!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner (when hitting a pedestrian): Ha! That idiot was asking for it!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

• Agnes Skinner: Oh, yeah! Let 'em have it! Good shot, boy!

Seymour Skinner: Yes, Mother.

Seymour Skinner: Thank you for calling the Skinner residence. Please leave a short and concise message after the *Beep cuts him off*

Rod Flanders

• (when Homer or Marge opened the shelter) We come out to go to church.
• (when Homer or Marge opened the shelter) Is that you Lord?

Clancy Wiggum

• I don't know. Maybe I'd go faster if I took my pants off. What do you think?

• SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
• Ow, my tushie!

• Err, police business, move it.

• Don't be alarmed. I'm a professional...badge...guy.

• Ah, crime doesn't take a vacation, but I do.

• Help! Oh, God, I've fallen into the batter rack!

• Hey, this place sells Chinese food too. Excellent!

• Ah! Sat on my gun!
• (entering driver seat) What is this, Grand Theft Auto? Get out of there!
• (entering driver seat) That door doesn't work. I spilt gravy in the lock.
• (hitting pedestrian) Boy you really creamed them that time!
• (collision) Good thing this car belongs to the city, Hehaa Haa!
• (collision) Smashy! Smashy!
• (collision) It's Wiggum time!
• (collision) Score one for Wiggum!
• (unused) Suspect believed to be driving an airship of some kind.

Otto Mann

• Whoa! I spilled my pudding.

• Yeah, that was awesome!

• (collision) Are you even watching the road?
• No fair, dude!
• Cowabunga, dude!
• Did I win yet?
• Ow, I lost my buzz!
• (collision) Whoa! That was a big one
• (hitting pedestrian) Another satisfied customer!

Barney Gumble

• (in a skip) Whoa, it stinks down here! It stinks everywhere!

• This happens every second Thursday.
• Oh, no, the gyspy was right, I AM DRUNK!
• (in a skip) I'm drowning in garbage water!
• (in a skip) Taken!
• Go back to your own planet!

Louie (mafia)

• What a travesty of justice.
• Where are the Police already?
• When I get an A, you're DEAD!
• Dial 911!
• Get lost, we're greasing our hair and skin.

• Go away. We are making...ah...sausages...man sausages.

• Get out of here or I'll punch you in the eye!
• Leg it! Or I'll punch you in the vital areas!

Comic Book Guy

• (collision) Great! My car is now near-mint.

• MOVE!!
• I hope I LAND on something I HATE!
• (Hit by player) Oh, thanks a lot, Mr. "I-Can't-Walk-Without-Hurting-Someone!"

• I need full impulse power!
• (collision) Glancing blow!
• WARP SPEED!!
• MOONS OF XANTHOR!!!

• (collision) We don't have deflector shields, you know.

• (spawn) I will roll to determine your chances of getting a ride. (pause) I will be there in 5 turns.
• Thank you for calling the Android's Dungeon. If you are calling about the screenplay on my website, please leave the name of your producing company at the beep. If you do not HAVE a producing company, please HANG UP THE PHONE!!!

• (ramp jump) I CAN FLY! Temporarily.

• (collision) Direct hit! I need more power!
• (spawn) Ok, but only because I'm so DESPERATELY lonely. Otherwise, NO!
• (spawn) All right, but only because my doctor says I need to get away from my computer for 3 hours a day. personally, I disagree!

• I spilled my Squishee!

• (getting in driver seat) Oh, please, you can't figure out how to enter the car?
• (getting in driver seat) You are a classic fool.
• (getting in driver seat) It is hard not to make fun of an idiot like you. Good day!
• You're banned from my store.

Abraham Simpson

• Oh, did I do something wrong.

• (spawn) Hop in junior, times are wasting. (snores)

• Now my story begins in 19-dickedy-2. We had to say "dickedy", because the Kaiser had stolen our word 20.

• Move it! I'm not dead yet!

• Oh, you're not going to take me back to the home, are you?

• Look where you're going, you idiot!
• (Trying to enter driver's door) Aw, quit your daydreaming, melonhead, and get in the car!!

• I'm lost?! Aaaaaaah!

• (to Maggie) Do you know where my family is?

• (at Santa's Little Helper's bowl) Ah, a leprechaun.

• Ow! My metal skull!

• There's my pelvis!

• Oh, I'm going to heaven!
• Wedjehehe...
• Please don't tell anyone I did this.

• Move it, I'm not dead yet!

• Hope you like old man smell!

• Hot dickedy!
• Move it, milkshake!
• Get out of my way! Every minute might be my last!
• Back in my day, we called sandwiches 'Flat Freddy', it cost four playing cards a bite.

Groundskeeper Willie

• (steps on a rake) I'll cover your muckers!

• (combusted) Oof!! Argh!! Oh!! Agh!! Uh!! Ah!!
• Don't make me throw my caber at ya!
• Don't make Willie angry! You wouldn't like Willie when he's angry!
• Give me one good reason not to throttle your---!
• The Scots have a word for you... CRAP!
• WHO'S WILLIE NOW?!?!

Cletus Spuckler

• Oh, I've got five hound-dogs in here!

• Eat pickup, city folks!

• Yeehaw!
• COO-WEE!

• This is way better than the movie box!

• Well, I think I drink all my 'shine, so might as well go for a drive.

• (getting in driver seat) I believe you want to take the opposite-y door?
• (getting in driver seat) That door is for me and Gooch, only!
• (getting in driver seat) Yeah, I don't know left from right neither.

• Hey, Brandine! We's on a leads in here! I can't, why...

• Whatever happened is none of my business.

• Just put some butter on the wound, it'll be fine.
• Cletus is bringing the pain!
• Smell ya later, yankee!

Lenny Leonard

• Look out!

• Hey, watch where you're goin'!

• Ow, I dropped my bear claw!

• Aaahhh! More pain for Lenny!

• MY EYE!

• Who'd do this to a war hero?!

• Why God? WHY?!

Professor Frink

• (collision) Ow, the collision, it hurts me!

• (getting in driver seat) No, that's the wrong - you're just very silly, you're a foolish person.

• I love the pull of gravity in the morning.
• (collision) That hurt, because I didn't have a good.. ow.

• Collision pending!

• Impact imminent!
• Control limited!
• Hey! Watch it, buster!
• Oh good Lord!
• (hitting pedestrian) Oh I didn't mean to hit a person!

• The landing didn't help anything!
• Ow with the hurt thing!
• Oh err.. Oh boy.
• Oh Boy.

• Glurve it! I...can't seem to glurve it!
• Behold, gravity in action! No, not my pants, the car!

• (collision) Ow! that was my elbow!
• (hitting pedestrian) Silly person!
• (collision) Why you worthless hunk of junk!
• (vehicle explode) Unexpected outcome! I'm shocked and such.
• (collision) Oh! that was right in the welment!
• Smooth move humanoid!

• (getting in driver seat) Uh, logically speaking, two bodies cannot occupy the same seat.

• Watch out, there's a crazy person!
• (collision) Ow! can't you be more. Oh no!
• Uncontrollable SLIDING!
• Oh dear!

• Ow, can't seem to be more wrong!

Gil

• You just got to help old Gil out.

• The wolf is at old Gil's door.

• So you're looking for a car?

• Oh I think you broke something there!

• Oh it looks like the end for old Gil!
• Oh, Gil's gonna sue! Gil's gonna be on easy street....!

Snake Jailbird

• (hitting pedestrian) Like, out of my way, walking dude?

• One side, road-hog dude!

• (collision) Oh, like, NO!

• Yeah, chicks love it when I do this.

• (collision) Dude, you'd better not have scratched my car.

• Oh, yeah! Mindless destruction.

• (getting in driver seat) Passenger seat and trunk are your only choices.

• Oh, I'm going to mess you up.

• Bombs away!
• (Hit by player) Dude! You are, like, SO dead!!
• Hey! That's totally not supposed to happen!
• (getting in driver seat) Um... Other side... Freakball!
• (getting in driver seat) Oh, there's so no way I'm letting you drive!
• This town is going to pay for this...
• Sweet acceleration!

Waylon Smithers

• You better watch out! I have puppies in my car!

• (collision) Ow! I think I felt something snap
• (collision) Ow! that's going to leave a mark
• Hey! I just got my hair dyed!
• This is strangely exhilarating
• Err... send it to my lawyer for shredding.
• Get out of the way, wage slave!

• That was your fault.
• (vehicle explodes) My fortune cookie said I might die today.
• Do you mind?
• Are you ready for fun fun fun?
• You'll be hearing from my boss's lawyer.
• (collision) That was pretty irresponsible of me.
• Go back to your low income bracket!
• That was so demeaning.
• (getting in driver seat) Why are you doing that?
• (getting in driver seat) Err... other side.
• Ouch. that looks expensive.
• Move your car already!
• I'm on a tight schedule!

• Mr. Burns, where are you when I need you?

• HA HA! I dented your car, which, I suppose, probably dented my car. Well, I dented your car.

• (spawn) Well, what a lovely surprise, nobody ever calls me.
• AWW! My soufflé just fell! Well, I might as WELL pick you up now...!
• (spawn) Sure! It's about time I came out! ...of my house!!

• For God's sake, be careful!
  • Lose in the Fat and Furious or Office Spaced: See you on the unemployment line! Or, wait, I won't, cause I'll still be employed, but still! HA-HA!!

Milhouse Van Houten

• (after being punched in the groin by Nelson) Oh... I swallowed my retainer.
• Ow! I need new undies!
• Why am I so hated?

Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha!

• Oh, good, another bully.

• (after Kearney and Jimbo shake him over the cliff) I feel barfy!

Nelson Muntz

• You suck! Ha-ha!
• Look out!
• I taste blood!

• Adiós, dork!
• I'll find you someday!
• Are you coming on to me?
• You suck, man.

Krusty the Clown

• (puts on a moustache) Do I like THIS?

• Ugh! I can't feel my clown nose!!
• I SWEAR I NEVER TOUCHED YOUR DAUGHTER!! AND SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS EIGHTEEN!!!!
• Great! Like I didn't need that kidney!
• Help! Jewish comedy legend under attack!
• I'm going to pie you back into the stone age!
• What am I!? Day old gefilte fish?!
• I think I just voided my pacemaker.
• Save me, Mr. Teeny!

Jasper Beardly

• Oh... the freezer burn on my beard.

• Oh, are we in the future yet?
• I have slowed my metabolism with .... frozen peas....
• Would you stop that?
• Why did you do that?
• That's a paddlin'.
• Holy Jumpin' Jeeber's Catfish.
• Yep... Saw that coming.
• Whoa! I'm getting dizzy!

Hans Moleman

• Missed me, loser.
• I'm so alone.
• This was the high night of my life.
• Ow, I hit my head.
• My brain is bleeding.
• I'm all DEAD inside....
• Not again.
• I don't have insurance
• (after being hit in the groin by an American football) All I know is pain.
• (after being blinded by a camera light) Now I'm blind.

• (after being blinded by a camera light) I see a bright light. Is that Heaven?
• I have flu in my lungs.

Patty Bouvier

• This I needed.
• Damn you!
• You bruised my hunches!
• You almost put me out of my misery.
• Oh! My jock hurts!
• Ohh!
• Thanks! Now Selma's the pretty one.
• You stink!
• You're not too good at this, aren't you?
• I need a vacation!
• I shall degrowth in you!
• Oh! It's been so long since someone touched me.
• Oh! How typical.
• I got out of bed for this?
• Watch it, buster!
• Look out, jerk!
• A husband could've prevented this.
• Oh! I swallowed a band-aid!
• Well, that was a total wet down.
• Can't you see I'm busy?
• The doctor said I should be dead years ago. Ha!
• Tough luck, folks. I don't feel like moving a line today!
• If you're not McGuyver, keep moving!
• I'm more likely to be hit by a meteor right then I am to have a baby.
• Sheila, over in Personnel, parked in my space again, today!.
• You think I'm pretty?
• Come on back to my place, I want you to look at the urine sample, I think it looks cloudy.
• I rather be talking to a water heater.