|The Seemingly Never-Ending Story||
- Homer: Our god made their god.
- Homer: Save me, Tsisnajini!
- Rich Texan: (after the Rich Texan douses Mr. Burns' head with crude oil) Back in Houston, we call that a "Fort Worth Shampoo"!
- Rich Texan: (emerging from the shadows holding a revolver) I'll take that gold iffin' ya please!
- Marge: How can you take it? We haven't even found it.
- Rich Texan: It's right there, behind that rock. No, to your left. Texas left, which is your down. (Marge holds up the bag) I'll take that gold iffin' ya please!
- Burns: (emerging from behind a thin stalactite holding a derringer) Not so fast, Shady Bird Johnson! I'll take that gold!
- Moe: (emerging from the shadows holding a baseball bat) Yeah, you'll take it and then you'll give it to me if ya know what's good for ya. (Burns and the Rich Texan aim their guns at Moe) (nervous) You guys have guns? (retreats to the shadows) Well, so do I. (makes the sound of cocking a shotgun) Huh? Huh?
- Snake: Yo, coolest entrance gets the gold! (goes down a rope like James Bond) Um, is it okay that I brought my son? It's my day with him. (points to Bart) Jeremy, there's a boy over you can play with.
- Jeremy: (to Bart) Do you like Xbox?
- Burns: I had to get a job, and i had to start at the bottom. But to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.
- Rich Texan: YEE-HAW! I'm gonna win me a nuclear plant!
- Mr. Burns: Dream on, bitch.
- Carl: (to Burns) Hey barboy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and Captain Kirk!
- Rich Texan: YEE-HAW! Moe can't catch a break! 1-2-3-4! Can't catch a break! 1-2-3-4! Can't catch a break!
- Rich Texan: I'm in oil! What's your racket, slim?
- Burns: Nuclear power. I make money using my brain, not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo.
- Rich Texan: (after Burns gives him the gold) Okay, I'll take your gold, and give you back all your worldly possessions, exceptin' your nuclear plant. You don't get that back 'til you give me a photo of yourself with a smilin' child!
- Burns: What the hell could that mean to you?
- Rich Texan: I'm obsessive compulsive! (firing his pistols) Ye-haw! (tapping his foot) 1-2-3-4! (firing his pistols) Ye-haw! (tapping his foot) 1-2-3-4! (firing his pistols) Ye-haw! (tapping his foot) 1-2-3-4! (firing his pistols) Ye-haw! (tapping his foot) 1-2-3-4!
- Moe: (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna) I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called "Up Yours, Moe".
- Moe: Love had handed me an awful dilemma — should I rob this guy or rob him and kill him?
- Moe: (telling his story) I knew that in order to win her love, I'd have to get rid of the human garbage otherwise known as "my best friends". (throws out Barney, then Lenny and Carl, then Barney again, then Homer, then gets ready to throw out Barney again)
- Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
- Barney: I'm a drunk. I don't know nothin' 'bout how I do anything. (Moe throws Barney out again and then Barney is back in the bar, behind Moe.)
- Moe: (to Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl) Listen Boozebags! I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up I will out the one of you who is gay! (the drunks then run off in a flamboyant fashion) (to Edna) So, where were we? (they resume kissing)
- Snake: I've been robbed! I'll take my revenge on society...by which I mean convenience stores! And who would suspect me, Professor Jailbird!
- Moe: If i couldn't spend the treasure on Edna, I didn't want to spend it. I just sat there playing our song on the jukebox one...
- Burns: (reading letter) ...one gold coin at a time. (looks at jukebox) Oh, you poor man. You're about to get a lot poorer.
- Burns: (voice over) I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
- Moe: (in letter) If you are reading this, I am dead and you are about to learn the story of my treasure.
- Burns: (reading letter) Treasure?!
- Lisa: (in flashback) Treasure?!
- Homer: Moe has a cappuccino machine?!
- Professor Snake Jailbird: I was like, excavating this Mayan pyramid and I totally unearthed these gold coins and I was all like, "Could you be any more pre-Columbian?"
- Burns: (voiceover) At 5.15 an hour, It would take an eternity to make my fortune back. And Fica wasn't helping! But then, for once in my life, things went my way!
- Skinner: (after hearing Bart's story/excuse) Bart, do you expect me to believe that? That story is the biggest load of cra...bappel?!? Making out with Moe?!? (he sees Moe and Edna making out outside his office window)
- Keypad to Safe Room: Enter password.
- Burns: Dammit I forget.
- Keypad: Forgot password? Enter place of birth.
- Burns: Pangaea.
- Keypad: Correct. Your password has been emailed to you.
- Burns: D'oh.
- Martin: (attached to a kite being flown by Nelson) Lab partners don’t treat lab partners like this!
- Nelson: Shut up and attract lightning!
- Homer: Wait, wait wait wait. Now you're telling me Burns's Story?
- Lisa: Yeah. It's like the play within a play, in Hamlet. (Homer looks at her puzzled) Let's see, It's like when you watch old home movies of you watching TV.
- Homer: (understanding) Gotcha.
- Homer: (after falling down the hole in the cave) I'm stuck, and I have to pee! (A few seconds later) Now I'm just stuck.