|The Secret War of Lisa Simpson||
- Chief Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the answering machine. (checks it and there are 75 messages) Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands? (deletes them)
- Chief Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking glass into a hippie pot party. (flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely stuck to his mouth) While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. (lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat a baby sandwich; the crowd gasps) That's right, she's got the munchies for a California Cheeseburger.
- "Sand" movie narrator: So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low-grade windshields, think where we'd be without sand!
- Narrator: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But will man ever walk on her fertile surface? Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
- Adlai Stevenson: I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
- Narrator: By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations. Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what you weigh on Earth. Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet! The moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them?
- Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
- Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
- Janey: (looks out the window) Hey, her car's gone.
- Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.
- Lisa: (to Principal Skinner) It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had three movies, two filmstrips, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I just don't feel challenged.
- Principal Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.
- Bart: (on megaphones) Testing. (Echoing)
- Homer: (yelling over the loud ringing) You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
- Lisa: When do you expect the ringing will stop?!
- Chief Wiggum: In about 10 to 15 seconds!
- Marge: I certainly hope so! (ringing stops and realizes she's still yelling and puts her hand to her mouth) Ooh! That's better. (Maggie, who just used two pacifiers as earplugs, takes them off)
- Marge: (to Bart) Now about your punishment, young man.
- Bart: I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did.
- Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage.
- Bart: You're the boss. (heads to the garage)
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, what about military school? It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
- Bart: Military school?! You lied to me!
- Homer: (chuckles) Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school".
- Marge: It certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of the semester.
- Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent "freak-outs," so that freed up a couple of bunks.
- Bart: Freak-outs?
- (When the commandant shows the Simpsons a classroom)
- Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
- Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
- Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
- Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
- Bart: Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
- Homer: Let go of my leg.
- Bart: No!
- Homer: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
- Lisa: And so am I. (everyone else gasps) This school has everything I ever wanted.
- Marge: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
- Bart: No jail can hold me. (runs off, only to be returned by the school M.P.s a few seconds later)
- Commandant: (to Lisa) Let's go over this one more time just to make sure I understand the situation. (Clears Throat) You're a girl.
- Lisa: Yes.
- Commandant: Oh, gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation. (Clears Throat) You're a girl!?
- Lisa: All I want is a chance to prove myself.
- Commandant: Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet. Hmm... but that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days! After all, we have female singers, female motorists. Welcome aboard! (he salutes her and she salutes him back)
- Marge: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in half a jif.
- Bart: I want to quit and come home! (pause) I want to quit and come home!
- Marge: (kissing him goodbye) Oh, honey, I heard you the first time.
- Commandant: Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our ranks, so there are going to be a few changes. First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest cadet here.
- Franklin: (in a very effeminate voice) Well, we'll see about that.
- Commandant: Second of all, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your things, you're moving in with Company L.
- Cadet: Company L? But they smell!
- Commandant: Yes, we've all heard the chant... Now fall out!
- Cadet: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
- Lisa: Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
- (The cadets talk amongst themselves)
- Cadet: No.
- Bart: Cleaning graffiti off a statue makes a mockery of everything I believe in!
- Instructor (to Bart): Since you've already attended public school, we're assuming you've already had experience with small arms. So, we're gonna give you something... a little more advanced. (Hands Bart a grenade launcher)
- Bart: Wow.
- (Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last rocket flies off into the distance)
- Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
- Bart: (slyly) Did I?
- (Cut to Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car.)
- Nelson: (from the school window) Ha ha!
- Commandant: Lights out! (The lights go out and a thump is heard) Ow! Damn it! Lights on! Lights on!
- Lisa: Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
- Bart: But if you quit, it would be like an expert knot-tyer quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot!
- Lisa: Why did you say that?
- Bart: I don't know. I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point is, you're gonna make it, Lise, and I'll stick by you.
- Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
- Bart: Then I'll stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker secretly working on a top secret sock that...
- Lisa: Will you stop looking at your feet!?
- Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
- Bart: (to Lisa) My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
- Lisa: (reading a note from Bart) "Meet me at "the Eliminator" after lights out. P.S., The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Ohhh ... (holds her tray up just in time to deflect meatballs coming at her.)
- Lisa: (On "The Eliminator") If only I was back in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on! Oh, God, I'm delirious.
- (After conquering "The Eliminator.")
- Lisa: You thought I couldn't do it but I could, I did, and I could do it again! Let's do it again!
- Cadet #2: We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of the semester.
- Leader: But graduation's in 3 hours.
- Anderson: We'd better go change!
- Homer: Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
- Bart: Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!
- Marge: Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence.
- Homer: Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more confidence.