|The Real Housewives of Fat Tony||
- Marge: In a good marriage you never say, "I told you so."
- Homer: Which is good for me because you're always right.
- Homer: He's cheating on Selma? Why go out for hamburger when you have rancid steak at home?
- Tushy: Every light in the house is a tanning light.
- Marge: Can you read by it?
- Tushy: You know, no one's ever tried.
- Marge: The only husband of Selma's I ever liked was Disco Stu. He was so upbeat until he found out she didn't like disco music.
- Marge: He's mad about a sport result.
- Homer: Lousy St. Louis Cardinals can't win the 1985 World Series on classic sports.
- Jeffery Albertson: How do you know the bride?
- Marge: I'm her sister, you?
- Jeffery Albertson: I bought her ping pong table off cragislist. Color yourself slighted.
- Fat Tony: Call that doctor that owes us a favor.
- Louie: Actually we owe him a favor.
- Fat Tony: Do him two favors and then remind him that he owes us a favor.
- Louie: We had a safe full of gold and it didn't ride that low.
- (Fit) Fat Tony: I'd like to submit a change of address.
- Selma: Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?
- (Fit) Fat Tony: Excuse me?
- Lisa: (worried) Dad! Aunt Selma is treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer!
- Homer: (excited) And we've got front row seats!
- Homer: Aww, I was standing in this line to use the bathroom, but now my license is expired.
- (at the wedding of Selma and Fat Tony)
- Homer: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
- Marge: No!
- Homer: (disappointed groans) Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
- (cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED")
- Fat Tony: Selma, would you do me the honor of spending the rest of my life with me?
- Selma: Oh, Fat Tony. If there was an Italian word for yes, I would be saying it right now.
- Homer: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-yuck and Tweedle-yech.
- Fat Tony: Ahem! Am I interrupting anything?
- Homer: Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful wife while insulting her identical twin.
- Marge: You'll have to excuse my husband. He says things without thinking first. And ten seconds later...
- Homer: (scared) Oooh! My god!
- Lisa: This is our home. There's nothing buried here except hopes and dreams.
- Lisa: That's a truffle.
- Bart: You're a truffle!
- Lisa: A truffle is a rare underground fungus that grows on the roots of trees.
- Bart: Leave it to you to make tree poop boring.
- Homer: Can we bring towels?
- Fat Tony: We have towels.
- Homer: (whispers) I take a special size.
- Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
- Selma: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...
- Homer: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
- Marge: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
- The Occurrence: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be that guy?
- Homer: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be that guy.
- Marge: Enough!
- Selma: Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.
- Louie: We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.