|The Principal and the Pauper||
- Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
- Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
- Willie: It's my twentieth year, too.
- Chalmers: [rolling his eyes] The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.
- Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
- Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
- Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
- Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
- Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
- Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.
- Homer: [In his mind, after Skinner says he's a fraud] Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.
- Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
- [Bart laughs]
- Skinner/Armin: They gave me a choice — jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Now of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.
- Agnes Skinner: I have no son!
- Homer: Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
- Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!
- Skinner/Armin: So uh, should I sign my original name?
- Apu: Just put an "X" and call yourself whatever the hell you want!
- Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new principal Skinner... principal Seymour Skinner!... [The audience is confused, he then points to Sgt. Skinner] Uh, him.
- Lisa: A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
- Bart: Not if you called 'em Stenchblossoms.
- Homer: Or Crapweeds.
- Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen Crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
- Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops.
- Edna: Hello ladies, is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner?
- Marge: And have 10 items or less.
- Edna: [Tossing out items] 12, 11, 10, the man's a weenie!
- Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
- Edna: To Capital City.
- Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
- Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
- Homer: And why is Marge here?
- Marge: I came up with the idea.
- Homer: And why am I here?
- Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
- Homer: Why are the kids here?
- Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
- Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
- Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
- [Jasper looks at Abe]
- Homer: Uh, fair enough.
- Skinner/Armin: Well from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner!
- Agnes: Oh no, we won't!
- Skinner/Armin: Yes, Mother.