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The Principal and the Pauper
: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
Edna Krabappel : Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
Superintendent Chalmers : It's my twentieth year, too.
Willie Chalmers: [rolling his eyes] The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.
: Ralph and I could do the report together.
Lisa : It's your funeral.
[Bart hums while putting miniature American flags on "meatballs" made of dog food]
: Bart? Why are you doing that?
Marge : Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days.
Bart Marge: Uh huh, that explains the flags. What about the dog food?
Bart: My theory is, Skinner likes dog food.
Marge [annoyed murmur]: Let's bake him a cake.
: Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls! Mmm... [Homer eats the meatballs made of dog food]
Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
Ralph Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.
: Homer [In his mind, after Skinner says he's a fraud] Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.
Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
Skinner/Armin: They gave me a choice — jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Now of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.
: I have no son!
Agnes Skinner Homer: Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!
Skinner/Armin: So uh, should I sign my original name?
Apu: Just put an "X" and call yourself whatever the hell you want!
Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new principal Skinner... principal Seymour Skinner!... [The audience is confused, he then points to Uh, him.
Lisa: A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em Stenchblossoms.
Homer: Or Crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen Crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops.
Edna: Hello ladies, is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner?
: And have 10 items or less.
Marge Edna: [Tossing out items] 12, 11, 10, the man's a weenie!
Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
: To Capital City.
Edna Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper looks at Abe]
Homer: Uh, fair enough.
[Agnes, Grandpa, Jasper, Edna, and the Simpson family arrive at the Ritz-Carlton Home for Transients]
Skinner/Armin: My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final.
Edna: Oh Seymour--
Skinner/Armin: And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor,
Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas! Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?
Skinner/Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.
Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up you to use language like that!
Seymour/Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all.
Agnes: The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years, I'm the only mother you've ever known!
Seymour/Armin: But you have your real son--
Agnes: You're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!
Skinner/Armin: Yes, mother.
Agnes: And the rest of you too!
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Edna, Grandpa: Yes, Mrs. Skinner.
Homer: Hey everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back and he's gonna take over the school again!
[the crowd chatters with surprise at seeing Skinner/Armin return to Springfield]
Mayor Quimby: Now hold on, Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
Homer: All right, all right, so he's a fraud. I don't care, his mom doesn't care, do any of you care?
[he crowd mutters amongst themselves]
You all seem to be forgetting that Sgt. Seymour Skinner: I am Seymour Skinner, this is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life for you people! Aren't I at least entitled to a little dignity?
Skinner/Armin: You're, uh... you're right, Sergeant.
Chalmers: Well, i dont see any way out of this.
Homer: Now if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that will satisfy the town and let Sgt. Skinner keep his dignity.
[Moments later, at the train station Sgt. Skinner is tied up in a chair on a flatbed railroad car]
But I'm a hero! Sgt. Skinner:
Homer: And we salute you for it. Now don't come back.
[The crowd cheers as the train leaves the station]
Agnes: I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I hope you understand.
Skinner/Armin: Well, this is a lovely gesture, but we all have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.
Homer: Oh no, we don't. Judge Snyder?
: By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and mother.
Judge Snyder Okay. Principal Skinner:
Judge Snyder: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened, and no one will ever mention it again...
Judge Snyder [with an ominous tone of voice]: Under penalty of torture!
[ The crowd cheers]
Skinner/Armin: Well from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner!
Agnes: Oh no, we won't!
Skinner/Armin: Yes, Mother.