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The Principal and the Pauper/Quotes

< The Principal and the Pauper

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Episode
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Quotes
Credits
The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson
The Principal and the Pauper
Lisa's Sax
Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
Willie: It's my twentieth year, too.
Chalmers: [rolling his eyes] The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.

Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together.
Miss Hoover: It's your funeral.

[Bart hums while putting miniature American flags on "meatballs" made of dog food]
Marge: Bart? Why are you doing that?
Bart: Our class is making refreshments for Skinner's party. These are in honor of his army days.
Marge: Uh huh, that explains the flags. What about the dog food?
Bart: My theory is, Skinner likes dog food.
Marge [annoyed murmur]: Let's bake him a cake.
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls! Mmm... [Homer eats the meatballs made of dog food]

Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
Lisa: And, he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

Homer: [In his mind, after Skinner says he's a fraud] Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.

Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
[Bart laughs]

Skinner/Armin: They gave me a choice — jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. Now of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would've apologized.

Agnes Skinner: I have no son!
Homer: Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!

Skinner/Armin: So uh, should I sign my original name?
Apu: Just put an "X" and call yourself whatever the hell you want!

Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new principal Skinner... principal Seymour Skinner!... [The audience is confused, he then points to Sgt. Skinner] Uh, him.

Lisa: A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em Stenchblossoms.
Homer: Or Crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen Crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops.

Edna: Hello ladies, is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner?
Marge: And have 10 items or less.
Edna: [Tossing out items] 12, 11, 10, the man's a weenie!

Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper looks at Abe]
Homer: Uh, fair enough.

[Agnes, Grandpa, Jasper, Edna, and the Simpson family arrive at the Ritz-Carlton Home for Transients]
Skinner/Armin: My mind is made up. I'm not coming back, and that's final.
Edna: Oh Seymour--
Skinner/Armin: And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment,  Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas!
Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?
Skinner/Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik. 
Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up you to use language like that!
Seymour/Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all.
Agnes: The hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for 26 years, I'm the only mother you've ever known! 
Seymour/Armin: But you have your real son--
AgnesYou're my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!
Skinner/Armin: Yes, mother.
Agnes: And the rest of you too!
Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Edna, Grandpa: Yes, Mrs. Skinner. 

Homer: Hey everybody, look! Armin Tamzarian's back and he's gonna take over the school again!
[the crowd chatters with surprise at seeing Skinner/Armin return to Springfield]
Mayor Quimby: Now hold on, Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps.
Homer: All right, all right, so he's a fraud. don't care, his mom doesn't care, do any of you care?
[he crowd mutters amongst themselves]
Sgt. Seymour SkinnerYou all seem to be forgetting that am Seymour Skinner, this is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life for you people! Aren't I at least entitled to a little dignity? 
Skinner/Armin: You're, uh... you're right, Sergeant. 
Chalmers: Well, i dont see any way out of this.
Homer: Now if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that will satisfy the town and let Sgt. Skinner keep his dignity.
[Moments later, at the train station Sgt. Skinner is tied up in a chair on a flatbed railroad car]
Sgt. Skinner: But I'm a hero!
Homer: And we salute you for it. Now don't come back.
[The crowd cheers as the train leaves the station]
Agnes: I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I hope you understand.
Skinner/Armin: Well, this is a lovely gesture, but we all have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.
Homer: Oh no, we don't. Judge Snyder?
Judge Snyder: By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and mother.
Principal Skinner: Okay.
Judge Snyder: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened, and no one will ever mention it again...
Judge Snyder [with an ominous tone of voice]: Under penalty of torture!
[The crowd cheers]

Skinner/Armin: Well from now on, you're gonna see a new Seymour Skinner!
Agnes: Oh no, we won't!
Skinner/Armin: Yes, Mother.


Season 8 Season 9 Quotes Season 10
The City of New York vs. Homer SimpsonThe Principal and the PauperLisa's SaxTreehouse of Horror VIIIThe Cartridge FamilyBart StarThe Two Mrs. NahasapeemapetilonsLisa the SkepticRealty BitesMiracle on Evergreen TerraceAll Singing, All DancingBart CarnyThe Joy of SectDas BusThe Last Temptation of KrustDumbbell IndemnityLisa the SimpsonThis Little WiggySimpson TideThe Trouble with TrillionsGirly EditionTrash of the TitansKing of the HillLost Our LisaNatural Born Kissers

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