|The Parent Rap||
- Homer: Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600.
- Moe: Really?
- Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
- Moe: (points a gun at Homer) All right, hand 'em over.
- Homer: Moe, what the...
- Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
- Homer: Say, is that our house!?
- Bart: I don't think our house has a steeple.
- Homer: Oh yeah. I forget things sometimes.
- Judge Harm: Grand theft auto!?
- Bart: It was an accident, ma'am!
- Judge Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting!
- Homer: (angrily) What did she say about cupcakes?
- Bart [to Ned]: You there! Put your hands up!
- Ned: Me? Okay.
- Bart: Now, drop your pants!
- Ned: But my hands are up!
- Bart: Hula out of them!
- Ned: Alright, officer. [hulas out of his pants]
- Judge Harm: Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H.
- Bart: I'm a latchkey kid.
- Lisa: You are not!
- Bart: Yes I am!
- Bart: Come on, Dad. I got to go to the bathroom.
- Homer: Oh, I just got comfortable! Use the bottle.
- Marge: No, I don't want you using the bottle. That's what hobos do.
- Bart: Come on, Homer!
- Homer: No!
- Bart: Mom!
- Marge: Aw geez, Homer, just take him to the bathroom.
- Homer: Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!
- Bart: The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity?
- Homer: (laughs) Ah, son, you know that's none of your business.
- [When Homer is being fitted for the tether]
- Officer: Sir, you are not a size 4.
- Homer: I used to be! (starts crying)
- Judge Harm: You have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision!
- Homer: I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair?
- Judge Harm: Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.
- Homer: It won't?
- Homer: I love our court days.
- Marge: It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.
- Milhouse: If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast.
- Bart: Big deal. It's just saltines and fig paste.
- Milhouse: Ew, saltines!
- Judge Harm: (to Bart) According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?
- Homer: Uh, your honor? I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Price Patrol.
- Judge Harm: You abandoned your son to win forty dollars!?
- Homer: And a Blue Öyster Cult medallion (takes out the medallion) Cool.
- Judge Harm: And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
- Homer: Your honor, if I may sing a little bit of, "Don't Fear The Reaper", I think you'll agree that--
- Judge Harm: I'm familiar with B.Ö.C.!
- (Homer, who's tethered to Bart, enters Moe's.)
- Moe: Hey, hey, no kids in the bar!
- Homer: Since when?
- Moe: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.
- [Lisa comments on Homer being tethered to Bart]
- Lisa: Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our new mailman.
- [Scene shows Bill Clinton trying to put mail in the Simpsons' mailbox]
- Bill Clinton: Dang magazines!
- Judge Harm: That quilt was made by my grandmother Catherine!
- Homer: So... it cost you nothin'.
- Judge Harm: Shut. Up. You two are not only horrible parents, you're violent criminals. And I'm going to have you two locked up until frogs do fractions.
- Bart: Your Honor, may I say something?
- Judge Harm: Well, it is highly unorthodox, so no.
- Bart: Please, your Honor?
- Judge Harm: Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind of me when I was a little boy.
- Bart: Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it will be because of my Mom and Dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will.
- Lisa: [tearfully] That's my brother.
- Snake: Did she say she used to be a dude?
- Kirk Van Houten: Judge, please don't send my boy to juvie. He's just weak, both morally and in the upper body.
- Judge Harm: I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
- Homer: Tethered?
- Judge Harm: Tethered. Report to room 5.
- Homer: Room 5?
- [Marge has cut the tether and triggered the alarm and Judge Harm's image appears out of the tether]
- Judge Harm: That's right it's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics.
- Homer: Hey, hey, hey, h-how about that? Huh, huh?
- Judge Harm: Quiet, tubsy. You violated my order.
- Homer: But Constance, it only happened because..
- Judge Harm: Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway.
- Milhouse: [to Bart] If we're late for school, we'll miss our free Federal breakfast.
- Bart: Big deal, it's just saltines and fig paste.
- Milhouse: Ew, saltines?
- Coach [at the "Promising Young Athletes Picnic"]: And that's why you young athletes are so promising. Now, who'd like to buy a trophy?
- Chief Wiggum: [after he catches Bart and Milhouse in the police cruiser] All right, you two are under arrest for joyriding. You have the right to remain, um, uh ... [looks at the teleprompter] silent? That doesn't sound right.
- [When Homer goes to school with Bart]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Today, we're going to talk about predicates and predicate nominatives.
- Homer: Bor-ring!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Mr. Simpson, I'm trying to teach.
- Homer: Come on, these kids are never going to use that stuff.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Will you please just go back to sleep?
- Homer: Fine. [curls up on the floor and starts snoring. Bart puts one of his sneakers in Homer's mouth to muffle his snoring]
- Mrs. Krabappel: All right, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
- Homer: [stars screaming in his sleep]
- Mrs. Krabappel: What's wrong with him now, Bart?
- Bart: Night terrors, ma'am.
- Homer: [in his sleep] [screams] Cobras!
- [When the Simpsons watch Channel 6 News]
- Kent Brockman: There's a new judge in town with a hard-nosed approach to juvenile crime: Punish the parents.
- Homer: Yeah, it's about time. [looks at the tether on him] Oh.
- Judge Harm: Kids are running wild, Kent, and I blame Mr. and Mrs. Never-spank.
- Kent Brockman: [looks to the camera] Uh, oh, we'll have to bleep their names.
- Judge Harm: You'll bleep nothing! Parents, it's time to take control. If you can't cope, you'll wear the rope! [holds up a tether and snaps it]
- Marge: Well, you can tell she's never had kids. Look how high and firm her breasts are.
- Lisa: Granted, but you gotta admit constant supervision has been good for Bart. He might even make the honor roll if Dad can control his night terrors.
- Homer: Well, that's a pretty big "if," honey.
- [When Marge and Homer are trying to make love]
- Bart: Would you mind? I'm trying to do my homework.
- Homer: Uh, son, it's a little chilly. Maybe you should wrap a blanket around your head. [wraps the blanket around Bart’s head]
- Marge: Oh, Homey, no; we can't.
- Homer: Well, what's the…what's the big deal? He sees a thousand times worse on that animal channel.
- Marge: I don't want him to see us ... expressing our love.
- Homer: Why not? Kids are very visual these days.
- Judge Harm: [to Homer and Marge] You two need to wake up and smell the java. And the first step is to admit that you're bad parents.
- Homer: I admit it.
- Marge: Homer, no, we're not bad parents.
- Judge Harm: Yes you are.
- Marge: No we're not. And frankly, Judge, I think you're a bully.
- Judge Harm: You do, huh?
- Marge: You're so busy thinking up crazy ways to punish people, you can't see how much I love my kids.
- Homer: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to be tried separately.
- Marge: I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents, and there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiberoptics to make me say we are.
- Judge Harm: [contemplating] Hmm ...
- [Scene shows Homer and Marge walking out of the courtroom with wooden stocks on their necks and hands]
- Marge: She's such a butthole.
- [Lisa watches Homer and Marge try to wash the dishes and then turns to Bart, who’s watching wrestling on TV and drinking soda]
- Lisa: Do you think it's fair that you're always getting into trouble, yet Mom and Dad are being punished?
- Bart: No, it's terrible. [loudly slurps his soda]
- Lisa: Well, why don't you do something about it?
- Bart: After wrestling.
- TV Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't believe what I am seeing. Dr. Bonebreak just married Rumblelina, and they're already whaling on each other! [the TV shows a wrestling couple attacking each other with folding chairs]
- Lisa: When are you going to start taking responsibility for your actions?
- Bart: If I felt like it.
- Lisa: You're not even listening.
- Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
- Lisa: Ugh! [walks off]
- Homer: [to Marge] You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even have to say, "bad." It could be, "negligent," or, "unfit," or, "drugged-up" ...
- Marge: I just can't do that, Homer. It's a matter of principle, and I need you to support me in this. [Homer and Marge look at each other]
- Homer: You're right. It's time to stand up to that firm-breasted judge.
- [Homer and Marge look for Judge Harm's house]
- Homer: This address must be wrong.
- Marge: No. No, there it is. [points to a houseboat docked behind a chain-link fence]
- Homer: She lives in a houseboat!? Wow, she's so cool!
- Marge: We hate her, Homer.
- Homer: I know, I know, fight the power. [puts his fist up]
- Judge Synder: Well, I'm back from vacation.
- Judge Harm: But I was just about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official.
- Judge Snyder: Sorry, I've already put my clown down. [indicates his clown figurine]
- Judge Harm: But I was just going to…
- Judge Snyder: The clown is down.
- Marge: [to the family] All right, we got lucky that time, but I want everyone in this family to raise your hand and promise not to break the law for one full year.