- Todd: Daddy, was Mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
- Ned: No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that.
- Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
- Ned: That was God disguised as a stork.
- Rod: Who brings baby storks?
- Ned: There's no such thing as storks! It's all God!
- Todd: (kneeling in front of an exhibit of a stork) Please bless Daddy and Roddy...
- Ned: Stop praying to that stork!
- Homer: My mind is always open to new ideas. (looks down at dinner) Onions? In the peas?! What the hell?! (throws plate at the wall)
- Skinner: Class, starting today we will be presenting an alternative theory on the origin of man. (Ms. Hoover writes "Creationism" on the blackboard)
- Lisa: Creationism? But that's not science!
- Skinner: It is now!
- Ralph: Are oceans God's tears? (Ned and Rev. Lovejoy nod their heads from the door)
- Skinner: They sure are! A+! (Lisa groans)
- Ralph: Now Lisa's the Ralph!
- Judge Snyder: Well, I've heard enough for today, I have to judge a wet t-shirt contest in 20 minutes.
- Lawyer: This trial is the biggest load of...
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