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The Last of the Red Hat Mamas
Homer: Burns' mansion?! But, that's Mr. Burns ' mansion!
Wiggum: Lou, talking like the chief doesn't make you the chief!
Lou: No, to be chief I'd have to wiggle into size 58 pants!
Wiggum: Oh, here it goes with the fat jokes! I just wish you could hit the easy targets on the firing range! You know... (pause, sees Lou preparing to cry) Lou, why must we hurt each other so?
Lou: (crying) Because...it's easier to be cruel than to say what you really feel. Permission to hug, chief?
Wiggum: Permission granted.
Ralph: (Picking up eggs not noticing he is dropping them and picking up the same one again and again) Yay!
Bart: Ralph, your basket has a hole in it.
Ralph: (Stares blankly for a while) You're Lisa's Brother!
Homer: (in a fight with Hugs Bunny the Egg Hunt referee) Silly rabbit, kicks are for ribs!
Homer: You're just like all Easter bunnies; can't take a punch to the crotch!
Burns: Now, while we're out, remind me to get my eyes "re-balled" and my brain flushed out with vinegar.
Smithers: Yes, sir. Oh, and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow.
Tammy: I'm Tammy, and these are the women of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
Marge: (gasp) The national organization for women of a certain age?
Agnes: Yeah, only we don't sit around watching TV and eating bonbons, except on TV-Bonbon night, which is every Tuesday and Thursday.
(Homer and Marge are having dinner in the basket of a hot-air balloon. There is a thud and the camera pans upward, showing Moe on top of the balloon)
Moe: I can't believe this happened to me twice!
(in a flashback, Milhouse is walking through Italy with Grandma Nana Sophie)
Milhouse: (voice-over) My grandma hated English, 'cause in World War II, a GI left her with child, my uncle Bastardo. She only spoke Italian to me.
Nana Sophie: (Italian) These, my cherub, are olives.
Young Milhouse: I love you, Nana. (gets slapped)
Milhouse: (voice-over) Every time I spoke English, she hit me.
Young Milhouse: Ow, that hurt. (gets slapped)
Young Milhouse: I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
Nana: Milhouse Mussolini Van Houtan, parla in italiano, IDIOTA! (chases Milhouse with an olive branch)
(back to the present)
Milhouse: That's how I learned Italian and started wetting my bed.
Marge: I never had the courage to sky dive before!
Tammy: When we get back, we have a surprise for you.
Marge: Oh! Now I really hope my chute opens!
(the girls go into a circle while Moe dives through them attempting suicide)
Moe: Goodbye, cruel world! (to the girls) Ladies.
Lisa: I studied all night. I even made flashcards. (Milhouse takes the flashcards and rips them up) My efforts!
Milhouse: Lisa, you don't learn Italian! You live Italian!
Luigi: Mr. Milhouse, I need your help! I don't know the translation to the cheese in my lasagna.
Lisa: But Luigi, surely you speak Italian.
Luigi: (sigh) No, I don't. I speak-a, how you say, fractured English. It's what my parents spoke at the home.
Miss Springfield: Joe! You said your wife was dead!
Quimby: And you said you graduated from Typing School!
Miss Springfield: I have trouble with the spacebar.
(at the Easter Egg hunt, Nelson takes four eggs from a bird's nest)
Lisa: Nelson, those don't count as Easter Eggs.
Nelson: Yeah, but they count as breakfast.
(Nelson eats one of the unhatched eggs. Several birds then fly in and begin pecking at his face)
Nelson: Ow! Ow! Ow! It was worth it!
Homer: If Marge is going bird watching, then why did she leave our copy of by The Field Guide to the Birds Roger Tory Peterson on our kitchen shelf? (opens book and begins reading) (gasp) Roadrunners are real!
Wiggum: (watching Eddie direct traffic) Look at him tease that Subaru. And that guy can't get a girl; I'll never figure it out.
Skinner: Okay, Lisa, to go to Italy you must have outstanding grades. Check. Uh-oh. In order to go, the person must speak fluent Italian.
Lisa: (lying) Uh, check.
Skinner: You speak Italian?
Lisa: Of course! Why would I lie?
Skinner: Hmm, faultless logic. Of course, I must ask you to speak a few phrases to verify your fluency. (Lisa makes a nervous noise) Though not right now, 'cause I have meetings. (Lisa makes a relieved noise) How's tomorrow? (Lisa makes a nervous noise) 'Cause it's terrible for me. But I'll get back to you...soon.
Italian tape: "Voglio affittare una barca piccola." - I would like to rent a small boat.
(Lisa stops tape, repeats, then pushes "play")
Tape: "Progetto di scaricare questo corpo nell'oceano." - I plan to dump this body in the ocean.
Lisa: Huh? (she looks at the tape case, which says "Italian for Italian-Americans")
Tape: Ciò è che cosa ottenete per fare le domande! - This is what you get for asking questions! (gunshots are heard and Lisa throws the tape in the garbage)
Lisa: Hmm, "Spend a summer in Rome".
Terri: Founded by twins by the way. (sees Lisa is gone) Hey, where'd she go?
Sherri: Oh, well. Let's speak in our secret twin language.
(Sherri and Terri then go into a bizarre language of high-speed jabbering and body movement)
Marge: (after learning of the plan to break into Burns' mansion) Are there any other surprises?
Tammy: I'm not a natural red-head. (Marge faints)
Agnes: I'll handle the vault. Burns told me the combination while feeling me up during the Depression. Zero to the left, zero to the right, back to...zero.
Burns: (about to hand a giant cheque before snatching it back) Instead of giving the money, I will use it to extend my life, another ten minutes. Smithers.
(Smithers takes out a giant marker pen and writes the word VOID over the cheque)
Burns: And the register. (Smithers uses the pen to draw a cross over the reply slip)