|The Italian Bob||
- Groundskeeper Willie: Enjoy yer multicultural hooie!
- (chuckles, then closes the door behind him as he leaves)
- Bart: Hey Crypt Keeper, I like your Dodge Scare-avan! (the children laugh)
- Mr. Burns: How dare you mock my Mobile-a-mobile! It was the first car to outrun a man!
- Nelson: A caveman! (children laugh) I thought of that because I slept in a cave last night.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, of all the... I will not be lampooned by school children! Kill them, Smithers!
- Smithers: Uh, you could just buy a new car, sir
- Mr. Burns: Well, whatever's easier.
- Martin: A new car? May I suggest an Oldmobile?
- (dead silence)
- Nelson: Mr. Burns sucks! (everyone laughs)
- Mr. Burns: I won't forget who mocked me! I'm taking your picture! (takes out an old fashioned view camera) Now, hold perfectly still for seventy-eight minutes. (after a few seconds, the children leave and Mr. Burns falls asleep)
- Homer: You're sending me to Italy?
- Mr. Burns: Yes.
- Homer: Can I take my family?
- Mr. Burns: Sure.
- Homer: Do I have to hang out with them?
- Mr. Burns: It would be nice.
- (Homer groans)
- Homer: Why can't you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food!
- Marge: Gee, I wish we could explore a little more of Italy.
- Homer: (excited) Marge, are you encouraging me to be irresponsible?
- Bart: Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance?
- Homer: Why you little-! (strangles Bart) (Bart then pulls a lever, and a robotic arm holding a car part begins to hit Homer on his head. They eventually pass out)
- Line Manager: (to Marge) So, first time in Italy?
- Homer: (sees a man in first class on the plane) Hey, that man has a TV in his seat. I wonder what I got. (rips off the top of the armrest) Oh, just a bunch of stupid wires.
- (Homer rips off some of the wires and one of the engines falls off, landing in Cletus' front yard)
- Cletus: Hey, Brandine! The kids just gots themselves a new playpen!
- Brandine: Cletus, you're the most wonderful husband and son I ever had.
- Bart: (At the airport) What's up with the Canadian flag on your backpack?
- Lisa: Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices for the past, oh, five years. So for the next week, I'm from Canada.
- Bart: Uh, I think Dad may blow your cover.
- Homer: (pushing through the crowd) That flag is mine! (takes an American flag off the conveyor belt and stands on top of suitcases, waving the flag around) Don't mess with Texas! Shock and awe, losers! Shock and awe!
- Homer: (talking to an elderly Italian woman) I honor you and your country.
- (gives her a coffee mug with the word "Kentucky" on it)
- Elderly woman: (shrieks) Kentucky! In Italia, this-a means whore!
- (smashes the mug and slaps Homer)
- Marge: Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. They say you speak English.
- Man behind chair: Indeed I do.
- (man turns around to reveal that he is Sideshow Bob)
- Simpsons: Sideshow Bob!
- Bob: The Simpsons!
- (they all scream)
- Homer: Yes, tell us your story. But it better have a beginning, a middle, and an end. (threateningly) And you better make us root for the protagonist!
- Bob: (gets up and faces the window) My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart.
- Homer: Okay, so far I'm rootin' for ya.
- (in a flashback, Bob opens the front door of his old house in Springfield, takes off his hat and puts in on the coat hanger, puts his knife away and sits down)
- Bob: (narrating) I needed a fresh start. But where? (He walks up to the globe and spins it around. He covers his eyes and stabs the knife into the globe, which lands on Orlando, Florida) Not in this lifetime! (He spins it again, and the knife lands on North Korea) Damn it! (He spins it again, and the knife lands on Shelbyville) Never! (He spins it again, and the knife lands on a fictional country called Bartovia that looks like Bart winking; it is supposedly located near Italy) Now cut that out. (He moves the globe slightly and stabs the knife in Tuscany) Ah, Tuscany. Fortune is finally smiling upon me. (steps on a rake and groans in annoyance, then throws it on the floor)
- Woman crushing grapes: Mi arrendo. Questo è troppo difficile.
- Man crushing grapes: I nostri piccoli piedi schifo.
- (Homer gestures like Mussolini on the balcony)
- Lisa: (whispering) Dad, don't act like Mussolini.
- Homer: Ooh, I thought I was doing Donald Trump.
- Bob: This is my bride, Francesca, and my son, Gino.
- Homer: Holy moley! I always thought that you were, you know, out loud and proud.
- Bob: Well, I experimented in college as one does.
- Homer: Yeah. I never went to college.
- Bob: (sarcastically) Stop the presses.
- Marge: (to Francesca) Hello. I'm Marge. This is my husband, Homer, my daughters, Lisa and Maggie, and my son, Bart Simpson.
- Francesca: Bart Simpson? The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream?
- Gino: (making stabbing motions with his hand) Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! I make-a like my daddy! (grunts and makes more stabbing motions)
- Bob: (takes Gino from Francesca and laughs nervously) Yes! Bart and I used to go, uh, fly fishing together.
- Gino: (running around on the floor in a circle and making more stabbing motions) Die, Bart! Die, Bart! (steps on a miniature rake and groans in annoyance, then falls over)
- Bart: Bob, your family will find out the truth. Sooner or later, you'll try to kill me again! Watch, I'll prove it. (lifts up his shirt and moves his hips around) Come on, Bob. Slice, dice, and serve on rice!
- Bob: (chuckling) You little scamp! (laughs and puts down Bart's shirt) You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day. But, it shan't be me.
- Francesca: (talking about Bob) He's so wonderful. They must miss him in America.
- Marge: Uh, well...
- (in Springfield, Chief Wiggum, Lou, and Eddie burst into Sideshow Bob's old home)
- Chief Wiggum: Eat justice, Sideshow Bob! (the cops unload their machine guns. When they're done, they see that there are little kids having a birthday party)
- Lou: Chief, I tried to warn you. Sideshow Bob hasn't lived here for months.
- Wiggum: Oh, God, am I sorry. (chuckles) Oh, hey, is that a Penn State banner? 'Cause my cousin went there. Did you know him? Mark Wiggum, fat kid? Played a lot of Tetris? (the kids still stare, shocked beyond comprehension)
- Bob: We are here to honor my old friends, the Simpsons. Tomorrow they return to America, taking with them my gratitude, my friendship, and my heartfelt wish that they never return.
- Marge: (looking in an Italian to English Dictionary) Vendetta means...vendetta!
- (all the Simpsons scream)
- Marge: Boy, that Sideshow Bob goes from zero to murder awfully fast
- Bart: At least this time it was Lisa who ruined Bob's life.
- Lisa: (groaning) Oh, I feel so sick!
- Homer: (chuckles) It's called a hangover, sweetie. And it's an unavoidable part of life.
- Francesca: Roberto!
- Bob: Francesca, you've come to me. Well, you've caught me at the right time because I swear (hold up his arm) never to raise this hand in vengeance again.
- Francesca: (grabs his arm) No, Roberto! If the Simpsons have dishonor you, they have dishonored our family. And we should take revenge as a family.
- Gino: (pulls out a knife) Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for me papa! (tosses the knife in the air and skillfully catches it with his finger)
- Bob: Ah! Revenge is a dish best served...family style!
- (Bob laughs manically, as does Francesca and then Gino. Gino than falls to the ground and begins crying. Francesca picks him up, and he laughs again while Bob and Francesca smile menacingly)
- Bart: Please help us, Krusty. We don't want to be the first Christians to die at the Colosseum!
- Marge: Here's a cute fact. This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for six hundred years.
- Butcher: (in Italian) Sono abitato dai fantasmi di diecimila maiali morti.
- (English captions read: I am haunted by the ghosts of ten thousand dead pigs).
- Francesca: Oh, he makes love like a man who just got out of jail. (kisses Bob)
- Bob: (chuckles nervously) Yes, you crave my skillful touch. Now take the boy and shut the door. I'll rock your world anon. (gets Francesca and Gino out, closes the door, then gets on his knees in front of the Simpsons) Simpsons, I beg of you. Please don't destroy the new life I've created here! Surely the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance.
- Lisa: Hey, Krusty's in an opera here in Rome! He can save our lives! Come on, let's go!
- Homer: (groans) Opera? They have that here too?
- Lisa: You have to help us! Sideshow Bob has sworn a vendetta against us!
- Krusty: Vendetta? What's that, an Italian vending machine? (the Simpsons stare at him for a few seconds before Krusty bursts into tears) Aw! That's my opening joke! And my closer, and my saver, and my topper!
- Krusty: Put on these costumes and mix in with the crowd scenes. He won't kill you in front of all those witnesses!
- Homer: Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?
- Lisa: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.
- Homer: But I do such a great impression of him! (turns around and turns back to them with his hand covering one of his eyes) Ooh, I am the gayest supervillain ever! Beware my scented candles! Ooh, scented!
- Bob: I can't believe what that clown is doing to Ruggiero Leoncavallo! And they call me a murderer!
- Gino: (sighting the Simpsons) Vendetta! (puts a knife in his mouth and slide down a rope) (muffled) Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta!
- Bob: (to Francesca) I don't wish to brag, but he's evil at an eighth grade level!
- Bart: Krusty, you saved us!
- Krusty: Yeah, well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities back to America. Take a piece and hide it on your person. Hide it well.
- Lisa: (on an ancient Roman aqueduct; to Homer) Dad! You're driving on an ancient Roman aqueduct!
- Homer: (to Lisa) Well, what am I supposed to do about it? Transport water from distant cities?
- Homer: (about to drive off an end of the aqueduct) Lazy Romans!
- Bob: (stomping grapes to the tune of "These Boots Are Made for Walking") "These feet are made for stomping, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days these feet will make Chianti out of you!"
- Marge: We're in a foreign city with no car, being stalked by a killer. I feel like I'm The Bourne Identity.
- Krusty: (talking to the audience at the Colosseum) ...So, I had this beautiful tour guide, right? And I tell her "I want to see your naples!" She slaps me! (he laughs but the audience is silent)
- Man from audience: We call it "Napoli"!
- Krusty: Yeah, well it sounds like you're all taking a Napoli! I know you're out there, I can hear you being greasy!
- (in Venice, the Simpsons take a gondola ride)
- Marge: Oh, Homie, isn't Venice romantic? This gondola ride was a wonderful idea!
- Gondolier: (singing to the tune of That's Amore) When a wife looks like that and her husband's so fat, that's immoral. When she kisses that jerk while I do all the work, that's im...
- Homer: Hey, knock it off.
- Gondolier: Excusi, no speak-an English. (singing) When that big tub of lard...
- Marge: Bob, your generosity and... abbondanza have touched our hearts!}}
- Townspeople: (Celebrating) Yaaay!
- Lisa: (Drunk) Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo! (Pours wine in her dress) Woopsy. I'll just get it out with more wine. (Pours more wine in the dress) See? It's fine! Go on, go on with the thing.
- Marge: (Groans) It's obvious why Bob is a vaunted pillar of your community.
- Lisa: Yeah, but he's a wanted killer in our community! (Laughs and Bob gets worried)
- Marge: He deserves to be hailed at this wingding.
- Lisa: More like jail at Sing Sing!
- Sideshow Bob: (Grabs her glass of wine) Time for bed now! (Lisa falls over) Drunken children tell the ugliest lies!