|The Haw-Hawed Couple||
- Lisa: Mom, Bart's drinking coffee!
- Bart: It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi.
- Marge: You're the worst husband in the world!
- Homer: Yeah?! Well, I wish I'd married Patty and Selma!
- Marge: I wish I'd married Lenny and his friend.
- Bart: Man, Mom and Dad are really goin' at it.
- Lisa: I hope everything's OK.
- (The camera turns to Marge and Homer's bedroom, which reveals it's actually a radio that recorded one of Homer and Marge's arguments. Homer and Marge are actually making love)
- Marge: (on radio) Don't you spit sunflower seeds at me!
- Homer: (on radio) You used to love it!
- Homer: Recording that
- Homer: They killed Graystache!
- Electrician: (outside Lisa's bedroom window, fixing a transformer) Thanks for the spoiler, big mouth! (throws a copy of the book at Homer)
- (Bart is staring at Nelson's vest in care, when Nelson rides by on his bike.)
- Nelson: Ha-ha! I touched your heart!
- Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.
- Lisa: (to Bart) You actually convinced people not to go to Nelson's party?
- Bart: Yup, he'll be all alone on his birthday. Oh, I wish I could see it. (impersonating Nelson) "Boo hoo, I'm Nelson. (fake crying) No one likes me."
- Marge: Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?
- Bart: What are you going do about it? (Marge whacks him on the head with a spoon.) Hey!
- Marge: I'll whack you with the whole salad set if you don't start thinking about others. You are going to that party.
- Bart: Mom, I can't go! No one else is.
- Marge: Well, if nobody else jumped off the Empire State Building, would you not jump?
- Bart: (confused) Kind of.
- Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart. The party will be fun. Nelson's not bad. All he needs is a little kindness. (stifles giggles)
- Marge: Lisa, you're not going to get a husband by being sarcastic.
- Lisa: All right, no husband.
- Marge: You're getting a husband! (to Bart) And you are going to that party.
- Homer: (tucking Lisa into bed) Okay. Tucked in tight, glass of water, night light on, no barn owls, don't do drugs, love you, good night!
- Bart: Where is Nelson?
- Principal Skinner: I'm sorry. Nelson never woke up.
- Bart: What?
- Principal Skinner: Never woke up because he never passed out...he's right over there.
- Homer: No man should have to out live his fictional wizard! (sobs)
- Martin: Individually we are weak, like a single twig. But as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot.
- [After Martin's line, a title appears: fag•got (fag´• et) n. a bundle of sticks for fuel. (Fr. fagot, a bundle of sticks)]
- Bart: Well said! If we all stand together and Nelson is helpless! (in chant) Hell, no! We won't show! Hell, no!
- All the kids: (joining in) We won't show! Hell, no! We won't show! Hell, no! We won't show!
- Groundskeeper Willie: (puts the brake on his tractor, gets off, and joins in) Hell, no! I won't mow!
- Principal Skinner: Willie, you're fired with complete loss of pension.
- Groundskeeper Willie: (pounds his fist on the tractor) Darn it!
- Apu: (reacting to Milhouse trying to hang out again with Bart) Aw, come on, Bart. Throw the dork a bone.
- Homer: Time to do what I do best: Lie to a child.
- Malucious Krubb: Choice, Greystach defeat me or save the girl. (Angelica is in the hourglass suffocating)
- Homer: (reading) Greystach looked Malucious in the eye and said:
- Greystach: Moustache powers: Activate! (His mustache stretches and folds Maluicious into an envelope, puts him in a mailbox and throws him into a dragon)
- Maluicious: Oh man, I can't believe you beat me but you did!
- Angelica: I somehow escaped from the hourglass!
- (Greystach and Angelica high-five)
- Greystach: Now to go on living! (They drive off in a Ferrari)
- Homer: The End!
- Lisa: Is that really how it ends? What happened to the Melinical council?
- Homer: Uh, they went to Star Wars land and fought star wars.
- Homer: "Lisa's sleeping over at Janey's. Apparently, her mom makes good mac and cheese."