|The Fight Before Christmas||
- Narrator: Tonight's Simpsons Episode is brought to you by the symbol 'ü' and the number 'e'. Not the letter 'e' but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.
- Bart: Listen here, Kringle. I may have gotten naughty this year, but by today's standards, naughty's nothing! I didn't get anybody pregnant, I didn't Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
- Marge: This tree reminds me of your father. Round in the middle, thinning up top and your hands get sticky when you touch him.
- Krusty: (as Santa) Kid, this company's bust! For years I've been giving away free toys and getting cookies in return. It's not a sustainable business model.
- Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion.
- Homer: Hey, show some respect, three gingerbread men died making that.
- Mr. Burns: Release the hounds! (barking is heard in the distance) Oh, they'll be here any minute.
- (After a long pause, a lone harmless-looking dog arrives)
- Dog: We, uhhhh ... blew the budget on Katy Perry.
- (Moe makes several attempts to kiss Katy Perry, but can't get high enough to reach her face.)
- Moe: I'm just gonna kiss your belly button. (presses his face into her abdomen and starts kissing)
- Katy : (surprised) Oh... that's not my belly button.
- (Moe breaks off the kiss and looks up at her)
- Katy: (quickly) But I didn't say stop.
- Krusty: (as Santa) Now you better get home. I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents have gotten worried.
- Bart: Isn't this the busy season? Where are all the other elves?
- Milhouse: Laid off.
- Nelson: After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs went to the South Pole.
- Martha Stewart: You boys like to play soldier?
- Bart: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
- (Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies)
- Milhouse : I don't think I like where this is going.
- Martha Stewart: (wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths) I don't think anyone asked your opinion.
- Homer: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
- Mr. Burns: I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.
- Grampa: (on a balcony with Jasper, parodying Statler and Waldorf) I wish this show got a visit from three new writers.
- (He and Jasper laugh.)
- Grampa: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
- Jasper: The Simpsons?
- Grampa: No, Christmas.
- Agnes Skinner: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
- Homer: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
- Homer: Don't worry. If something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Telegram!
- Homer: D'oh! (reads telegram) "Marge is MIA"? (crying) Oh, no! She changed her name!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
- (Homer cries)
- Lisa: See? Everytime we get a tree, mom disappears! (runs away crying)
- Homer: I wish it was me instead of her!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: It stil can be, you just have to go to rhe recruiting station and...
- Homer: Shut up.
- Homer: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
- Lisa: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
- Homer: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first. Then it will cost money.
- Lisa: But until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she believes in: home, family, and constantly sweeping up needles. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum.
- All: Wie treu sind deine blatter. Du grunst nicht nur, zur sommerzeit. Nein auch im winter wenn es schneit.