[Father Sean tells Bart how he became a priest in a flashback.]
Father Sean: [after fighting with his father] I was laying in the gutter, pickin' up me teeth when St. Peter himself appears before me.
[Saint Peter appears.]
Saint Peter: Sean, you wanker.
Father Sean: He says.
Saint Peter: Repent of your wicked ways or sod off.
[He spits Father Sean and disappears, revealing he was just a streetlight.]
Father Sean: Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight.
Homer: (to Bart after he got expelled) Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's my thing.
Lisa: Bart, a school-sponsered medieval festival is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life, and you ruined it. You deserve to be expelled.
Bart: I didn't do it! Mom, you believe me, don't you?
Marge: Bart, I love you, but sometimes I don't love your choices. (groans) Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the Army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.
Homer: Shouldn't a person have a right to choose his own religion?
Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
Lisa: Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism.
Father Sean: Buddhism? (laughs) Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.
Lisa: I'll ignore that.
Bart: Easy on the zeal, Churchos… I've got something to say. Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!
Flanders: We gotta stop them now! Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back; just like the Jews with their snippety-snip.
Marge: Homer, you've been out all night and you look like you've accepted someone as your personal something. Were you at that Catholic Church?!
Homer: Look Marge, I know I was supposed to yell at that priest, but he's so cool! He plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests!
Marge: I knew they'd try to convert you! That's what they do! Well, I'm not having another twelve kids.
Homer: Marge, no one is saying twelve. (gets out a pamphlet called "Plop till You Drop") Nine, ten, tops!
Homer: Bingo? That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: Bingo.
Homer: That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: (sighs) How about you just say, "Yay, I won!"
Sister Thomasina: [to Bart] In the old days, we'd use a ruler to deal with incorrigibles like you.
Bart: Thanks for the history lesson, sis.
Sister Thomasina: These days, we use a yard stick! (whacks Bart with a yard stick)
Bart: I'll show you! I'll move 33 inches away. (moves his desk back)
Sister Thomasina: A yard's 36! (whacks Bart again)
Marge: Bart, this could be a good new school. Oakwood Academy. Huh?
Bart: Mom, that's a school for the blind.
Marge: Think of the leg-up you'd have.
Marge: Homer, you're a grown man and you can make your own decisions about your religion, but I didn't change Bart's diapers for 5 years to see him become a Catholic!
Bart: I thought there was a monster in the potty.
Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson preached a message of tolerance, and love.
Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.
Bart Soldiers: Eat my shorts!!!
Bartman Soldiers: Cowabunga!!!
(Both sides wage war)
Principal Skinner: Now kids, since the middle ages had no compact disks or Super Mario Men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So, let history come alive.
(The kids start throwing fruit at Willie, who is hoisted in a small cage)
Groundskeeper Willie: Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses. (gets hit in the eye with a tomato) Ahhh! (the kids laugh) Pelt all you want. Revenge will be Willie's. (a stapler hits Willie in the face) Aghhh, that was a stapler!
Marge: Bart, I love you, but sometimes I don't love your choices. (sighs) Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: Yeah, and if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge!
Father Sean: We're having our monthly pancake dinner. Care to join us?
Homer: You've transformed breakfast into dinner… It's a miracle! (kneels and starts to pray) Log cabin, full of taste, my stomach is with thee. Blessed art thou among syrups and bless…
Sister Thomasina: No prayin' to the condiments! (whacks Homer with a yard stick)