|The Dad Who Knew Too Little||
- (Lisa asks Homer for the diary she just saw on TV on her birthday)
- Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
- Lisa: Just give me the friggin' toy.
- Dexter Colt: You know, Homer. Ever since I first met you, I always knew I would kill you in a hall of mirrors.
- Homer: How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.
- Groundskeeper Willie: (notices Dexter Colt looking in Lisa's Locker) Hey! That's not yer locker!
- Dexter Colt: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Movin' on. (leaves, whistling innocently)
- Elliott Gould: Krustofski!
- Krusty: Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor, Elliott Gould!
- Elliott Gould: Your monkey bit my kid again!
- Krusty : Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion...
- [Mr. Teeny looks on, grinning sheepishly]
- Elliott Gould: Say hello to Bob. And Carol. And Ted. And Alice. [punctuates each name with a punch or kick to Krusty as Mr. Teeny continues grinning]
- Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is...PHONIES? I thought she loved them!
- Brandine: Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
- Cletus: Duly noted.
- Marge: Okay Lisa, now open the present from your father and I. (Poles Homer with her arm and Homer gives the present to her).
- Lisa: I wonder what this could be!
- Homer: I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- Lisa: Could it be some kind of book?
- Homer: Well, Yes and no. (Lisa opens the present revealing to be a cassette tape) Mostly no!
- (The family watches the video Homer bought for Lisa)
- Narrator: Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff...
- Homer's voice: Lisa Simpson!
- Narrator: I sure am hungry for my favorite food:
- Homer's voice: McNuggets
- Lisa: I don't like McNuggets, I'm a vegetarian!
- Homer: Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present. (The camera turns and reveals her other present to be a roast chicken)
- Narrator: (A man in a horse approaches "Lisa" on the video) It's my best friend:
- Homer's voice: Maggie!
- Lisa: Ha?
- (Another guy approaches "Lisa" on the video)
- Guy: Bad news sheriff:
- Homer's voice: Lisa Simpson.
- Guy: Some Indians took all the
- Homer's voice: McNuggets! hmm McNuggets aagh...
- Narrator: I'll get this no good Indians as sure as my favorite book is
- Homer's voice: Magazine! (Falls asleep)
- Bart's voice: Wake up dad!
- Homer's voice: Wai..Wha...? (Lisa takes the video off)
- Lisa: Dad, this information is all wrong! Maggie is a baby, not my best friend! (sighs) You don't know anything about me! (Runs off crying)
- Homer: Maggie, you're her best friend, go talk to her! (she stomps and walks away) Oh, what have I done! Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they? (Marge groans)
- Kent Brockman: (on the radio) Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-headed girl in a red lampshade.