|The Burns Cage||
- (Smithers saves Mr. Burns' life after a parachute jump backfires)
- Mr. Burns: (steps on Smithers' head) I did it! All by myself! (looks at Waylon on the floor) Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?
- Smithers: Sorry, sir. If there were a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.
- Smithers: Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is sir, I'm in love with...
- Mr. Burns: The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? (Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burns' teeth) I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!
- Smithers: (To Lenny, Carl and Homer) So, you like fun and games?
- Carl: Well, games can be fun, so, uh... that's kind of redundant.
- Lenny: Would you like to rethink the question?
- Smithers: (groans) Here's a game for you: properly stack and store those rods, then perform a complete turbine maintenance procedure!
- Lenny: Routine maintenance? We never do that!
- Smithers: Lots of us never get to do things.
- Carl: Yeah, we know. We heard your song. (Smithers groans)
- Carl: He's chewing our ass 'cause he's unhappy! What are we gonna do here?
- Lenny: I know the answer. We have got to get that guy a woman! A woman who can find him a man!
- Homer: Okay, guys, to get Smithers off our backs, I'm gonna find him a boyfriend on this! (Shows the "Grinder" app on his phone)
- Trucker: Homer, I'm a long-haul trucker, who's home-straight and highway-gay, but uh... how do you know about Grinder?
- Homer: My wife put me on to it.
- Marge: I was looking for an app for pepper grinders, and I found this.
- Carl: Uh... doesn't Smithers dig Burns?
- Moe: Yeah, but Burns doesn't want Smithers! (to Marge) Isn't it sad, Marge, when somebody really, really, really, really wants somebody, and they're sitting across the bar from you, (stares at Homer) married to Homer?
- Marge: Moe, this is why I don't come here much.
- Moe: Oh, yeah... you're right, Marge. Hey, uh, I'm sorry. (he goes to a back room and stares Marge through a hole on a wall) Oh, yeah... (Marge groans)
- Marge: Can we just find a boyfriend for Smithers?
- Homer: Finally, a use for the Internet! (Starts looking at the Grinder users' profiles) Hmm, no. No. Too smoldering. Too lumberjack. Too "look how fun I am". George Takei!? (plays his video)
- George Takei: Click me and we will boldly go to Yogurtland, but be warned: I don't care for people who cling on. (giggles)
- Homer: (groans) Hey, why am I on this? Well, only one way to find out. Swipe!
- Marge: Maybe we should just invite them all to a party and see who Mr. Smithers likes.
- Homer: Good idea! (a Homer lookalike homosexual enters Moe's Tavern)
- Homer Lookalike: Did somebody here swipe me?
- Homer: Here's five bucks. Visit my Dad, say you're me.
- Homer Lookalike: Finally, I'm paid to act!
- Bart: (To Jeffery Albertson) Tell you what, if you buy a half-page ad in the program, Sam plays "As Time Goes By" with Hulk hands!
- Jeffery Albertson: You have a deal! (Gives money to him)
- Milhouse: I'm glad someone's getting something from this play. (sighs) As an understudy, all I get is to watch Lisa and Jack fall in love. (Albertson appears wearing a Hello Kitty costume)
- Jeffery Albertson: Oh! You're still here.
- Bart: Look, Milhouse, if anything happens to that kid playing Rick you get the part. If you catch my drift!
- Milhouse: You know I can't catch. (Albertson slurps milk from a plate)
- Jeffery Albertson: Don't judge me.
- Lisa: Jack, you're amazing. You're blowing away everyone else in the play. (She leaves and Ralph bumps into Jack)
- Ralph: You despise me, don't you?
- Jack: If I gave you any thought, I probably would. (leaves)
- Ralph: I'll be in my trailer! (locks himself inside his locker) This isn't Fiji water!
- Principal Skinner: (gasps) Someone is using the go-round for non-merry purposes! (on the speakers) Attention: in Casablanca, the part of Rick Blaine will now be played by Milhouse! Also, the cafeteria is out of buns, so for hamburgers we will now be using two slices of day-old toast! That is all.
- (During one of the play's rehearsals)
- Milhouse: Where you're going, I can't... Line!
- Lisa: Follow!
- Milhouse: Sounds weird to me. "I can't follow". "I can't follow". Also, why would Nazis respect letters of transit signed by De Gaulle? I may be pulling on a thread, but hear me out. (Lisa groans)
- Smithers: Simpson, I'm stealing your bartender! Take the next couple days off.
- Homer: Woo-hoo! Three day bender! (Drinks some vodka) Are there any gay-themed songs about celebrating?
- Lisa: (crying) Milhouse is the worst actor I've ever seen! (sobbs) and I have to play opposite him. He's so bad! Look at his headshot! (shows some of his pictures)
- Marge: (groans) Whenever I'm dealing with someone who isn't doing a great job, what I do is treat them like they're perfect.
- Lisa: (sniffles) Really?
- Marge: If they sense you believe in them, they'll get better!
- Homer: Did our taxes, Marge! The government owes us two million dollars!
- Marge: That is really, really great! But maybe you should check again.
- Homer: What? Oh, I my mistake. We owe them thirty seven dollars.
- Marge: That's some nice adding.
- Homer: Yeah.
- (Smithers and Julio have traveled to Cuba)
- Smithers: I've done it! I'm happy! I'm in a new world and completely forgotten about (Julio appears with a Mr. Burns Lookalike mask) Aah!
- Julio: What, the buzzard of death? (gasps) It reminds you of him!
- Smithers: I'm sorry, sir.
- Julio: (gasps) You address me like I am him? Everything reminds you of him! I bet that mural of him being driven out of Cuba in 1959 reminds you of him! Waylon, I am a man who needs one hundred percent commitment, okay? (A shirtless man passes by and Julio glances at him) Okay, well, maybe not one hundred, but at least, like, twenty, you know, which is the percentage that your cell phone needs to stay in the green. So tell me now, Waylon. Am I in the green?
- Smithers: (sighs) I'm afraid not.
- Julio: (puts his mask back on and starts dancing) Beneath this mask I am crying!
- Mr. Burns: Everyone who's replaced Smithers has been nothing but trouble. You're my lawyers, tell me what to do!
- Blue-haired Lawyer: Sir, I think your only option is to get Mr. Smithers back.
- Lawyer: You'll have to give him money.
- Lawyer 2: Lots of money, but it won't be enough. (the lawyers discuss)
- Mr. Burns: Yes, I suppose what this calls for is a personal apology straight from my heart. Have it on my desk first thing tomorrow! (leaves and comes back in) and write yourselves apologies from me to you for making you work late, and they'd better sound sincere!
- Lisa:You're going to be great.
- "Milhouse": I already am because you just told me so.
- Lisa: Oh. (giggles) Thank you.
- Lisa: Milhouse, you were incredible!
- "Milhouse": Maybe that's because... (takes a mask off, revealing that he was Jack acting as Milhouse)
- Jack: I'm not Milhouse.
- Lisa: (gasps) Oh, but... is Milhouse okay?
- Jack: Is Milhouse ever okay?
- Lisa: Good point. (giggles)
- Jack: Now let's go to the soda fountain and ask the jerk for a float with two straws.
- Lisa: What year are you from? (giggles) Oh, who cares?
- (Milhouse enters Moe's Tavern)
- Milhouse: I heard you serve 10-year-olds.
- Moe: That's referring to the age of the pickled eggs, but, uh... I'll get you a milk.
- Milhouse: Mr. Smithers, why do guys do such stupid things when it comes to dames?
- Moe: Hey, you been talking to that weird Bogart kid? He came around here trying to talk me into an expedition to find some gold. Yeah, so I'm getting the mules.
- Smithers: Let me tell you about dames, Milhouse. I know nothing about them, but as for love, what keeps you going is the thrill of the chase, the possibility that one day you might get what you want, even though the reality is you probably never will.
- Moe: That's why I don't chase dames. Just gold. I'll be back in six months with one-third of the biggest treasure you ever saw. (he then leaves with his mules)
- Jacqueline Jones: Jacqueline Jones, reading for the part of Ilsa.
- Gary Chalmers: Oh, I like this one. A cool girl.
- Seymour Skinner: Plus her father owns a print shop. Free playbills. Four color.
- Gary Chalmers: Yeah, yeah, smart. Yes.
- Jacqueline Jones: I can't fight it anymore. I ran away from you once. I can't do it again.
- Seymour Skinner: Strange choices. Maybe that scrunchie's too tight.
- Gary Chalmers: Well, you can teach acting. You can't teach popular. We've got our Ilsa.
- Seymour Skinner: Are you sure? Even by school play standards, she's terrible.
- Gary Chalmers: Skinner, I'm setting down my clipboard to signify that all future auditions are just a formality.