Bart: (trying to buy a ticket at the Aztec Movie Theater) Look, if I was really under 17 I'd be in school, right?
Ticket Seller: Yeah, I guess you are right. Enjoy "Boob-a-rama", sir.
Homer: Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room, but I stood by the courage of my convictions and I prevailed, and that's why we had Chinese food for lunch.
Bart: Oh, how can they imprison kids in school on a beautiful day like this?
Lisa: They're not imprisoning us, Bart. They're...
[a grey bus labeled "Springfield Prison" pulls up]
Bart: Prison bus, Otto?
Otto: The regular school bus broke down, so take a seat before I blow your heads off!
Otto: Oh, sorry. This bus and I have sort of a Shining thing going on.
Marge: Your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying. "Shoot em' all and let God sort it out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshals to bring him down. Now, let's never speak of him again.
Bart: Ah, the joys of mortgaging your future.
Helen Lovejoy: Heh, this won't take long. He's clearly guilty. We'll probably be home by dinner time.
Jasper: Good. I hear the dog from Frasier is going to ride the dolphin on SeaQuest.
Bart: (about Principal Skinner) Oh my God, he is like some sort of... non... giving up... school guy!
Jasper: Why bother voting? He's guilty.
Flanders: Well, we might as well make it official.
Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?
Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Principal Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh huh. And "if"?
Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
Homer: So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel...
Homer: Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO… ooh! Free Willy!
Principal Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little if anything to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
Homer: Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
Homer: OK, fine. How many S's in "innocent"?
Homer: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
Homer: [on the phone] Aw, I miss you too, Marge. But the law needs me! I'll be home as soon as I can. [hangs up and presses a button] Room service? Send up 2 more pot roasts and 3 more pillows with mints on them.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, children, our new ultra-hard PostCherfect chairs have arrived. They've been designed by eminent posturologists to eliminate slouching by the year 3000.
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel? [groans] I'm having back spasms...
Mrs. Krabappel: [chuckles] I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now, but eventually your bones will change shape.
Milhouse: I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body. [lifts his limp left arm with his right arm]
Mrs. Krabappel: Yeah, yeah.
[Bart and Homer spot each other and gasp and hide away from each other]
Bart: (thinking) I can't let Dad see me playing hooky!
Homer: (thinking) I can't let the boy see me skipping work!
[Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache]
Bart: [walking past] Good afternoon.
Homer: [walking past] How do you do, sir?
Bart and Homer: [chuckle] Sucker...
[Freddy approaches two people tossing a football]
Freddy Quimby: Gimme the ball! [runs to the punch bowl and throws it in hard] The punch has been spiked! Ha ha!
Mayor Quimby: That's my nephew, displaying the Quimby wit that's won the public heart. Happy birthday, Freddy! And may all your disgraces be private.
Mayor Quimby: [to Bart] And who are you, little boy?
Bart: I'm one of your nephews you don't see very often. Um, Bart-Bart.
Freddy: Hey! What the hell is this?
Waiter: [French accent] It's a bowl of shaudere ["chowder"], sir.
Freddy: Wait a minute, come here. What did you call it? Say it loud enough so everyone can hear. Come on, say it...
Waiter: Ahem. Shaudere ["chowder"].
Freddy: [raucous laughter] Shau-dere? Shau-dere? It's "chowdah." Say it right!
Waiter: [pause] Shaudear ["chowder"].
Freddy: [laughter] Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, my God. Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten. Heh-heh.
Marge: [reads the paper] Mmm. It says Freddy Quimby beat a waiter half to death! Those Quimby children are so wild and rich, I hope he finally gets what's coming to him.
Bart: But Freddy Quimby's innocent!
Lisa: How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.
Bart: Heh, oh yeah, right.
Lisa: You'd think someone would have seen something at a crowded party like that.
Bart: Well they didn't, OK? They didn't. It says right here in black and white, "No witnesses." Case closed. [grabs paper] Now let's all read the funnies. [reads] Oh look: Charlie Brown said, "good grief". Hah. I didn't see that coming. [forced laughter]
Bart: Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter got whacked. I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.
Lisa: You're a witness? Bart, you have to tell the police!
Bart: [groans] I can't.
Principal Skinner: Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday, and as soon as I can prove it, I'm sending you off to the Christian Military Reform School.
Bart: What he said.
Lisa: Oh, I see. If you confess, Skinner will know you skipped school.
Lisa: [to Bart] If you testify, Skinner will know you skipped school. Well, if Freddy Quimby didn't do it, I'm sure he'll be found innocent by a fair and impartial jury.
Homer: Aw, jury duty? I'll see that Quimby kid hanged for this!
Lisa: I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
Principal Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder. If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Moe: Freddy Quimby was with me the entire...night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in...er, you know, one of them loser countries.
Woman: He's clearly innocent.
[Chief Wiggum hands him a big bag with "$" on it]
Moe: Oh good! My laundry is done.
Bart: You see, Lisa? They don't need my testimony.
Lisa: Only because Mayor Quimby's buying his nephew's freedom.
Bart: Ah. The system works. Just ask Claus von Bulow.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
Lawyer: Your Honor, even though I've proven my client's innocence, I'd still like to call Freddy Quimby to the stand. So that we can all bask in his gentle decency. [Freddy stands up, grins winningly at audience, takes stand] Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mr. LaCoste?
Freddy: Of course not. I love each and every thing on God's green earth.
Lawyer: Therefore, you would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of "chowder".
Freddy: That's "chowdah"! Chowdah! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the jury!
[Man on the jury mutters, "He's clearly guilty"]
Lawyer: Wow, that didn't go well. The defense rests.
Lisa: So, Bart, have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet?
Bart: Sell it to Hallmark, sis. You're looking at Cucumber boy, as in "Cool as a.
Homer: [watching "Free Willy" on TV] Jump, Free Willy. Jump! Jump with all your might! [on the TV, Willy jumps over a rock barrier as a little boy smiles, but a shadow looms on his face and the smile turns to fear]
Woman on TV: Oh, no. Willy didn't make it. And he crushed our boy!
Man on TV: Ew. What a mess.
Homer: Ohh, I don't like this new director's cut.
Judge Synder: Even though reopening a trial at this point is illegal and grossly unconstitutional, I just can't say no to kids.
Lawyer: So, young man, if Freddy Quimby didn't inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste, just who did?
Bart: Well, I was hiding in the kitchen when it all happened.
Freddy: Say it, Frenchy! Say "chowder"!
Freddy: OK, you asked for it. I'm going to enjoy this! [grunts, pops the cork off some champagne, chugs it]
Waiter: Hah. [slips on floor, bangs head on four frying pans, breaks glass, hand lands in blender, then in toaster, then head falls in oven, boiling water is spilled on his back, then into broom closet where rat traps snap closed all over him, then breaks more glass and falls over]
Bart: And that's what really happened.
Waiter: This is an outrage! I am not a clumsy Clouseau-esque waiter. I will...[trips on chair, falls out window into truck containing rat traps] At least, there were no big ones....[snap]...aie.
Lionel Hutz: How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school?
Bart: [sighs] I sort of skipped school.
Principal Skinner: I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson!
Apu: What slip up? He confessed it! What are you talking about?
Principal Skinner: Quiet. I need this.
Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm impressed with what you did in there. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. On the other hand, you skipped school.
Bart: I guess the two things cancel each other out, huh?
Principal Skinner: [sighs] I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months' detention.
Principal Skinner: Why, there are no children here at the 4H club, either! Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.