|The Book Job||
- Ralph: I want to go back inside mommy.
- Homer: It's not against the law to sleep inside a tyrannosaurus head.
- Security Guard: Sir, you're inside an allosaurus.
- Homer: I demand to speak to my paleontologist.
- Neil Gaiman: I heisted myself to the bestseller list once again. And the most brilliant part is I don't even know how to read.
- Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.
- Homer: (about Neil Gaiman) British Fonzie is right.
- TweenLit CEO: Is R.L. Stine here? Because you just gave me goosebumps.
- TweenLit CEO: Fake author. If you don't have a made-up author with an inspirational tale, you don't have a book. Where's your Franklin W. Dixon, where's your T.R. Francis, where's your...Stephen King?
- Lisa: Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-decker bus. How could that be made-up?
- Bart: The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!
- Homer: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?
- Homer: The king of fantasy novels in our book writing team?
- Bart: All right, Gaiman, you're in. You can get us lunch, and lose the British accent.
- Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal!
- Neil Gaiman: I'm so proud of us.
- Bart: You didn't write a thing.
- Neil Gaiman: Hey, that tuna didn't salad itself.
- Homer: So, are we square for Kansas City?
- Bart: Square as Golden Books.
- Bart: But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved. Not just by Milhouses, you'll get attention from Jacksons, Xanders, even Aidans.
- Lisa: [lovestruck] Aw, I've always wanted an Aidan.
- Homer: How could the publishers change our book? If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, the whole thing would be vampires, instead of the Pope's private naked dude mural.
- Neil Gaiman: I've heisted my way to the best seller list once again. And the most brilliant part is: I don't even know how to read!.
- Bart: Stay frosty.
- Skinner: Hello, I'm the pizza delivery man.
- Security Guard: We didn't order a pizza.
- Skinner: No, of course you didn't. The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone and then gives the costumer the option of accepting or refusing delivery.
- Security Guard: That's a terrible business strategy.
- Skinner: No hoho, It's quite sound.
- Security Guard: Ok, fine. Where is the pizza?
- Skinner: Pizza?
- Bart and Lisa: Gift Shop!
- Homer: Alright, you can each have one toy. (Lisa grabs a big dinosaur and Bart grabs a small one)
- Bart: Lisa has a big toy. No fair! That means I get two small toys.
- Lisa: No fair! This isn't big, It's medium!
- Bart: No fair! Then I get four small toys and Lisa gets one medium and one small.
- Lisa: What? He gets four and I only get two? No fair!
- Homer: (angry) Alright, That's it! Forget it! No toys for anyone! (Maggie stares at him holding a toy) Okay, Maggie gets a toy.
- Bart and Lisa: No fair!
- Lisa: Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea. 'Cause you can't write if you don't know what the competition is up to. (Sees a stand with a book written by a dog) A dog wrote a bestseller? (screams) All I've done is procrastinate! Ah, who am I kidding? There will never be a book with my name on it!
- Homer: Or your name could be on a book in ten minutes.
- Lisa: Do I have to do any writing?
- Homer: No.
- Lisa: I'm in.
- TweenLit CEO: (On the phone with Homer) Look, we market-tested the book and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing, I mean, dinged. So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. Before we got our hands on Twilight, it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem, but teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances to join Team Schmul.
- Homer: But the trolls were the best part! Do the characters still say "trolly" instead of cool?
- TweenLit CEO: No.
- Homer: Oow, that is so untrolly!
- TweenLit CEO: Hey, if you don't want your words changed, write a screenplay. We own your book, so why don't you go and cry into your million-dollar check? (hangs up the phone)
- (The Crew goes back to the TweenLit CEO Office to show him the fake author: Lisa)
- TweenLit CEO: Ah, a pre-teen prodigy. I like the hook. What's the phony back story?
- Lisa: (Bart pushes her) I was raised in a traveling circus, my mother was the lady ringmaster and my father was a lion barber, I wrote my first story with clown lipstick on a flattened popcorn box, it was featured in the New Yorker's "Best Forty under Four" issue.-
- TweenLit CEO: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. It's R.L. Stine here 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps. (The guards laugh)
- Security Guard: Good one boss.
- TweenLit CEO: Congratulations. You just sold your book for a million dollars. (signs the check)
- Lisa: Dad, follow that dinosaur!
- Homer: I've waited my whole life to hear that!
- Lisa: I pick books like you pick up beers!
- Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.