- Homer: It's been another eight years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book. (he reads) Ha ha ha, I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.
- Moe: My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.
- Homer: I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!
- Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson! A bloody millionaire!
- Homer: Why do you sound so surprised? This is our fifth take.
- Marge: Homer! Don't kill the foreign man!
- Homer: Relax Marge. I wasn't going to kill him. (knives drop out of Homer's shirt and pants.)
- Young Homer: When I grow up, I'm gonna have a huge castle, a pinball machine with infinity quarters, eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas… how many wishes do I have left?
- Declan Desmond: None. You never had any. I'm not a genie.
- Young Homer: D'oh!
- Declan Desmond: Now Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money and, don't look at me, look at the camera.
- Young Homer: Got it.
- Declan Desmond: I said look at the camera.
- (Homer looks down)
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at a mud puddle.
- (Homer looks at his left hand)
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at your hand!
- (Homer looks to the right.)
- Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at the production company!
- (Homer looks at his other hand)
- Declan Desmond: That's your other hand! Do you even know what a camera is?
- Young Homer: What! Of course I, um, no.
- Declan Desmond: Ok, I'm going to put this squeaky toy on top of the camera.
- (Homer's head goes up as the toy squeaks)
- Young Homer: Oh! Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky squeaky squeaky!
- Homer: (to Marge) All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.
- Homer: Oh! This is Eduardo. He's the pool boy. He thinks he's an angry old rich man.
- Mr. Burns: I am an angry old rich man!
- Homer: (whispers) That's the pool chemicals talking.
- Marge: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years… that's gotta be Homer.
- Homer: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest! (he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo) They had a sale on skulls.
- Young Carl: I wish for world peace.
- Young Barney: I wish for world war.
- Young Carl: That would be cooler.
- Homer: I do open-casket caricatures. (looking at a man in a casket) Did he have any hobbies?
- Widow: Get out of here!
- (Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins)
- Bart: Mine has a cup holder!
- Lisa: That's a blowhole!
- Bart: You're a blowhole!
- Ned Flanders: (about Homer) He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.
- Chief Wiggum: Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
- Lou: Except pants that fit.
- Chief Wiggum: I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me.
- Lou: I'm not making fun of you I'm making fun of your pants.
- Chief Wiggum: How would you like it if I made fun of your pants?
- Lou: Go ahead.
- Chief Wiggum: Well they're a little, um uh. Oh they're perfect.
- Declan Desmond: (to Homer and Marge) Are you two considering children?
- Homer: Pfft. Kids? No way. You won't see a couple of rugrats tying me down. (cut to eight years later, Homer and Marge with baby Bart and Lisa) You better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids. That would be a devastating edit.
- Homer: Find me a Christmas goose.
- Declan Desmond: If this bunny was going to be boiled, I would have to turn up the heat.
- Lenny: I'm ready for my segment!
- Declan Desmond: Lenny always exciting to hear from you. Did you ever try that new shampoo?
- Lenny: Nope never did. Do you want to see me pay my cable bill? I have checks with butterflies on them. I am interesting.
- Declan Desmond: No you're not.
- Desmond: So, Lenny, what have we here?
- Young Lenny: My daddy said I could have any birthday party I want. My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur, and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "Yes", I'll say.
- Desmond: (Narrating) I decided not to waste any more film on him after that.