|Smoke on the Daughter||
- Chazz Busby: Who the hell... taught you to stand like that?
- Lisa: This is the way I always stand when I tell adults what they should be doing!
- Chazz Busby: Ah-ah! En pionte!
- Lisa: This is so hard.
- Dancer: Get used to it. We ballerinas are under constant pressure to stay focused, skinny, graceful and skinny.
- Lisa: How do you cope with it?
- Dancer: You find out what works you.For some people it might be yoga, for others, meditation. But for every ballerina in the world, it's cigarettes.
- Lisa: Nothing like fresh air! (breathes in smoke) Fresh air!
- Apu: I do not thank you and I will not come again!
- Marge: Do you need more legwarmers?
- Lisa: No! Stop buying me legwarmers! I'm already wearing six pairs!
- (Bart sees Lisa taking second-hand smoke and calls home.)
- Homer: Hello. She what?! Oh, my God! Well, I'm going to settle this once and for all! Meet me at that place we discussed. (hangs up)
- Marge: Who was that?
- Homer: Wrong number.
- Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.
- Homer: This is my favorite family tradition, ice cream after a botched recital.
- Lisa: Cigarettes? They can kill you! They did a whole episode about it on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Zack tried to impress a girl by smoking, but she went for Cody instead. Ha. Zack's life wasn't so sweet then.
- Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
- Bart: You have a drinking problem?
- Homer: I said secret.
- (Homer and Lisa are excited about the latest Angelica Button book.)
- Lisa: The last book in the series goes on sale at midnight and we're gonna go stand in line.
- Bart: Wait in line for a book? You tell 'em Bart says hey.
- Homer: Come on, boy. All the nerds are doing it.
- Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.
- (Chazz Busby's TV commercial.)
- Chazz Busby: See that? That's talent. Think you got it? You don't. 'Cause only I can teach it and I ain't taught you, so you don't. The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy is coming to Springfield. Auditions are Monday. Callbacks are Tuesday. Wednesday, you see I'm a heartless bastard. Thursday you realize you love me, damn it. Friday, we're closed.
- Marge: Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer!
- Homer: Go-go or boring?
- Marge: Boring!
- (Homer moans)
- Chazz Busby: I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show Crap Like This. Ran for five years.
- Homer: I can't believe you were smoking. Do you know the "sturgeon" general said you're not supposed to?
- Lisa: A "sturgeon" is a fish.
- Homer: And a very wise fish he is!
- Lisa: So what happened?
- Marge: My bosoms grew in and ruined my balance.
- Lisa: Really? How?
- Marge: They came in one at a time.
- Lisa: Mom, do you think mine...
- Marge: No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your father's boobs.
- Bart: Dad, you never win in a fight against animals. Remember your war with the worms?
- Homer: That was not a defeat, that was a phased withdrawl.
- Bart: Then why did they made you build that statue? (points at statue of Homer bowing at a worm, titled "Worms are better than me")
- Homer: They multiply when I cut them. I can't fight that.
- Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
- Lisa: No.
- Marge: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
- Lisa: Oh! Oh.
- Apu: Ugh, you have wasted my time! (menacingly) You have made a very powerless enemy! Good day, and be well.
- Homer: Who could have done this?
- Bart: Well, something chewed through the cellar door, and the floor is covered with pawprints.
- Homer: This can only mean one thing!
- (cut to Homer holding up Ned Flanders' sweater)
- Homer: Flanders, you ate my jerky!
- Ned: As the oak said to the beagle, you're barking up the wrong tree! I spent the whole morning blanking out the "goshes" and "darns" of this Hardy Boys book!
- Homer: I know you ate my jerky, just like I ate your earthquake supplies.
- Homer: Awww, they're using the jerky to feed their family! Look, there's a Homer, and a Bart, and a Marge and a Lisa! Awww, they even share my views on parenting.
- (Homer raccoon strangles Bart raccoon)
- (It's windy and Lisa can't breathe the smoke)
- Lisa: Oh, what am I doing? I don't need second-hand smoke to do ballet. (Grabs an alight cigarette on the ground) I need first-hand smoke! (Slowly approaches the cigarette to her mouth)
- Homer: LISA! Give me that! (grabs the cigarette, stomps on it, pulls a gun and starts shooting the ground) I can't believe how easy it is in this country to get cigarettes. (Puts the gun in his jacket with the other guns and angrily looks at Lisa)
- Homer: Because it means so much to your mother, you can keep doing ballet. But you have to stop smoking, including second-hand!
- Lisa: That's easy for you to say, you've never had to be thin and focused!
- Homer: (eating a hamburger, with mouth full) What'd you say?
- Lisa: I'm just saying it's gonna be hard for me to quit, especially before the recital!
- Homer: I thought you might have trouble with this. That's why I'm assigning someone to keep watch over you. Someone you'd never expect.
- Lisa: Is it Bart?
- Homer: D'oh! Come on out, boy.
- (Bart comes out from the bushes)
- Bart: For the next three days, I'm gonna stick to you like waffle syrup on a shag rug. I'm gonna be on you like fish stink on a gloucester dog. I'm gonna be all over you like-- Hey, where'd she go?
- Dancer: They don't call these Dancer Sticks for nothing!
- Lisa: I thought they were Cancer Sticks!
- Dancer: (puts a cigarette on each ear) I dan't dear dou!!
- Mayor Quimby: Lord, I could use a smoke. (sack of looted Laramies lands on the bed) Thank you, God. Cigarette?
- Miss Springfield: Can't. I'm pregnant.
- Mayor Quimby: One more favor?