|Smart and Smarter||
- Lisa: I'm tired. I'm hungry. Red plastic sandals are not good running-away footwear.
- Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was 3.
- Marge: And even then he could only speak German.
- Lisa: I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby!
- Bart: Hey, so am I! When you're a baby, you can just spend all day rolling around on the floor. (sighs) I miss those days.
- Nelson: Then roll, baby! (Bart rolls on the bus floor) Ha Ha! Floor Baby!
- Lisa: You're laughing at him for something you made him do.
- Nelson: Well… you're gay!
- Lisa: People who call other people gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
- (Nelson panics and jumps out the emergency exit; he rolls and then gets back up)
- Nelson: BULLIES RULE!
- Little Boy: The pig says "Oink"! The chicken says...
- Henry: Stop! I could go to any Chuck E' Cheese in America if I want to hear what animals say. You know what I say? I say: next!
- (The mother picks up the little boy and walks away)
- Little Boy: You're a poopie!
- Henry: (to the mother) Do you nurse with that mouth?
- Homer: Look what they sent over. A talking dealy. His name is Phonics Frog. (presses A, B, and C)
- Phonics Frog: Ah-Buh-Cuh…
- (Homer types his name)
- Phonics Frog: Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Ur
- Homer: That's me! Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Ur. (presses more buttons)
- Phonics Frog: This-Is-Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Ur-Dok-tor-He's-too-sik-too-urk-too-day.
- (Homer laughs)
- Homer: Uh… I'll be right back. (runs to the phone)
- Pimply Teen: (to Comic Book Guy) Sir, you can't take food into the theater.
- Comic Book Guy: Search all you want. You'll never find it all. I'm baking muffins as we speak.
- (Lisa tries to be a stand-up comedian)
- Lisa: So... why do they call them field trips? We never go to a field!
- Principal Skinner: Not true! Last week we went to a battlefield.
- Ralph: I'm bembarrassed for you!
- Nelson: The following "Ha Ha" is not from amusement, but a sign of contempt. Ha Ha!
- Lisa: So Maggie's NOT a genius?
- Henry: Oh, she could be… at sweeping up hair!
- Homer: That's my baby, jerk! (punches Henry leaving him with a bruise on his nose)
- Henry: You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like "so what"? (Homer punches Henry again leaving a nosebleed) Oh, again with the nose. I have a chin too, you know! (Homer punches Henry making him unconscious)
- Moe: (as the butler) Don't worry sir, the maid and I will take him out to the curb. Come on!
- Barney: (as the maid) You promised me no one would get hurt!
- (When Lisa is dressed up as a goth)
- Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
- Homer: We've all learned something today. Never be something you're not, namely food.
- Simon Cowell: (after seeing his name in the ending credits) Now, there's a celebrity!
- Simon Cowell: (when the "Gracie Films" woman shushes) Oh, shush yourself!
- Henry: She's as common as an angry woman in an Ibsen play.
- Homer: It's old Lady Simpson! Run!