|Skinner's Sense of Snow||
- Bart: (reading his permanent record) "An under achiever and proud of it." How old is this book?
- Nelson: (after Principal Skinner's film burns) Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD.
- Principal Skinner: This is a DVD!
- (The DVD catches fire and falls on the floor)
- Lisa: Oh no, we're snowed in!
- Kids: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
- Milhouse: We're going to miss Christmas!
- Kids: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
- Principal Skinner: I fixed the DVD!
- Kids: [scream louder] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
- Principal Skinner: Great job, Nibbles! Now chew through my ball-sack!
- Marge: They always pick the guy with the wires.
- [While Homer watches the pre-football game show on TV]
- Al: Pigskin Preview: Denver-Green Bay; who do you like?
- Jerry: That's football, right? [the trio laughs] Well, I'm going to take the Broncos in this game, because the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. [everyone laughs]
- Homer: Heh-heh-heh. Tremendous
- Al: I'm more worried about Al's jacket. How many stations can you get on that thing?
- Wardrobe Manager: [walks into the camera view] All right, listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe. You people can dress yourselves! [walks off]
- Third Man: Ahem. Well, folks, he's got a point, um, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about..
- Homer: [on the phone] Lenny! Are you watching this?
- Lenny: [on the phone] Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings.
- Homer: [on the phone] I know!
- Marge: Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.
- Homer: Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement.
- Lisa: [reading from a pamphlet] As French-Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.
- Homer: Oh, I wanted to seem them fire a gorilla out of a cannon.
- Sideshow Mel: A storm is coming! I can feel it in my bone.
- Circus Ringmaster: Mesdames and Messieurs, it appears the cloud goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks.
- [the audience heads for the exits]
- Homer: Oh, no, you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now, nourish the child within me. [with a raised fist] Nourish!
- [Bart and Lisa listen to the radio for school closing]
- Radio Announcer: The following schools are closed today; Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary... [Bart and Lisa gasp in surprise]...My Dear Watson Detective School. [Bart groans] And lastly, Springfield Elementary School...[Bart and Lisa cheer] …is open! [Bart and Lisa groan] And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear... which is closed.
- Principal Skinner: Children, I'm proud of you. Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas Break, but you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school openage.
- Milhouse: Hey, where are the teachers?
- Principal Skinner: Eh, their union has called an emergency caucus.
- [Scene cuts to the teachers at a ski lodge where they’re forming a conga line]
- Teachers: [singing] Caucus, caucus, caucus! Caucus, caucus, caucus!
- Marge: This is terrible, how will the kids get home?
- Homer: I don't know, internet.
- Nelson: I can cut a trail through this snow. I'm part Eskimo.
- Principal Skinner: I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi. No one leaves the building.
- Bart: This stinks! We'll miss the "Itchy & Scratchy" where they finally kiss.
- Principal Skinner: I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi, you're not going home.
- [When Homer and Flanders get ready to rescue the kids; Homer is starting the car]
- Flanders: Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. [scene shows Flanders’ roof sawed off]
- Homer: My car, your roof; it's only fair.
- Flanders: But it's my car.
- Homer: Well, yeah.
- Flanders: Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business?
- Homer: I never had a snowplow business.
- Flanders: Sure you did, Mr. Plow. You're wearing the jacket right now. [scene shows Homer wearing the “Mr. Plow” jacket]
- Homer: I think I know my own life, Ned. [sings] Call Mr. Plow, that's my name; that name again is Mr. Plow. [drives out of Flanders's driveway and knocks down his mailbox as he goes]
- Principal Skinner: That elephant ate my entire platoon.
- Nelson: This sucks.
- Principal Skinner: Are you questioning my authority? Willie!
- [Willie comes over and hangs Nelson by his vest on a coat hook]
- Nelson: Ow! Mmmph, my vest. [to the other kids] Well, don't just stand there, fight back! There aren't enough coat hooks to fit all of us.
- Principal Skinner: Actually, there are. [counts] Five... ten... fifteen... twenty. [to Sherri and Terri] Eh, can you two share a hook?
- Sherri and Terri: Yes, sir.
- Principal Skinner: We're fine, then.
- Nelson: [groans]
- Flanders: I think we hit something.
- Homer: I hope it's Flanders! [laughs, then notices Flanders glaring at him] I'm just kidding. Hey, you're all right. [playfully punches Flanders on the arm]
- Ralph: Mr. Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit!
- Principal Skinner: Is that some sort of plush novelty?
- Ralph: Yes ma'am.
- Principal Skinner: Uh, well here's a scouring pad, it's just as good.
- Ralph [holds the scouring pad to his cheek] : It's cold, and hurty!
- [When Principal Skinner ends Bart’s attempts to escape]
- Principal Skinner: I know it looks like the path to freedom, but one collapse and presto! You've got a snow casket.
- Bart: I was gonna put buttresses in.
- Principal Skinner: Gonna, wounna, shounna. Willie, destroy it. [as the students protest, Willie inspects the tunnel]
- Willie: He did do a bonnie job, sir.
- Principal Skinner: Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too.
- Willie: Okay, Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!
- Principal Skinner: Fine. I'll do the job myself. [pokes the roof with a broom, which starts to crumble] Help! It's caving in! [the roof caves in on Principal Skinner which leaves his head exposed.
- Bart: What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck?
- Principal Skinner: That's precisely the problem, and you know it. Now get me out of here!
- Bart: What's that? You want the pee bucket on your head? [puts the bucket on Principal Skinner’s head]
- Principal Skinner: No! You're twisting my words.
- [The students cheer]
- Bart [to the kids]: C'mon! We're taking over the school!
- [When Bart makes Principal Skinner write “I Ain’t a Dorkus” over and over on the blackboard]
- Principal Skinner: I can’t write this; it’s a grammatical nightmare.
- Bart: [pokes Principal Skinner with a ruler]: Mau! Di-di mau!
- Principal Skinner: I’m getting a cramp in my wrist.
- Bart: Oh, boo-hoo. After all the times I've done it, my wrist sounds like a cement mixer. [twists his wrist which sounds like a cement mixer]
- Lisa: [reads her permanent record] “Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency towards know-it-all-ism.” [gasps] That’s not even a word.
- Milhouse: Then we’ll get rid of the record…permanently! [rips the page out of Lisa’s permanent record]
- Nelson: Hey, look how much Skinner makes--$25,000 a year! (the kids are impressed)
- Bart: (typing into a calculator) Let's see, he's 40 years old, times $25 grand...whoa, he's a millionaire!
- Children: Wow!
- Principal Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was one!
- Nelson: Plus, in the summer he paints houses.
- Milhouse: He's a billionaire!
- Children: Wow!
- Principal Skinner: If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? (the kids laugh) They don't seem to listen to logic anymore.
- Bart: Look, I’m throwing papers!
- Principal Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. Think, Skinner, think. What would Superintendent Chalmers do?
- Superintendent Chalmers: [appears in Principal Skinner’s mind] Skinner!
- Principal Skinner: Eh, that's no help.
- Nelson: [finds Principal Skinner] There you are! [over his walkie-talkie] “Falcon” to “Eagle”, have located “Bag of Crap.”
- Principal Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this there's a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
- Nelson: I spit on your monitors.
- Principal Skinner: I know. That's why the position's available.
- [When Nibbles crashes through Flanders’ windshield]
- Homer: A hamster ball!
- Flanders: Just like the one that saved Ezekiel. We’re saved!
- Homer: We’re free and we got something to eat!
- [When the kids are burning books in the library]
- Bart: So long, “Johnny Tremaine.” Your Newberry award won't save you now. [throws the book into the fire]
- Principal Skinner: Not "Huck Finn!" I spent hours crossing out the sass-back!
- [When Flanders’ car is about to crash into a silo]
- Ned: We're going to crash!
- Homer: Do you have airbags?
- Ned: No. The Church opposes them for some reason.
- Superintendent Chalmers: [arriving to school on a snowmobile] Skinner!
- Principal Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
- Superintendent Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
- Principal Skinner: Uh, well, sir…I, uh..
- Superintendent Chalmers: There’d better be a good explanation for this.
- Bart: There is, sir.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Ah, then I’m happy. [rides away]
- Lisa: [as a camel] Merry Christmas from the Simpsons! Haww!! Haww!!!
- Bart: Hey look, the snow is melting!
- Martin: Thanks to our friend, Sodium Chloride!
- [Nelson jumps on Martin and beats him up]
- Kent Brockman: (on TV about the blizzard) Roads closed, pipes frozen, Albinos...virtually invisible.