- Homer: You know, Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country. Maybe it's time I gave something back.
- Lisa: Are you thinking of joining the naval reserve?
- Homer: Would you be proud of me?
- Lisa: Yeah, sort of.
- Homer: Then I will do it!
- Homer: You know, Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country and later I'm going to get Gilligan's autograph.
- Marge: I'm so proud of you, Homey!
- Homer: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! (laughs)
- Grampa: My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!
- Ralph: (while wearing an earring) My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two owies!
- Sergeant: (to Homer) All right, Simpson, you don't like me and I don't like you.
- Homer: I like you.
- Sergeant: All right, you like me, but I don't like you.
- Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me!
- Homer: (to Moe) Damage report, Mr. Moe.
- Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
- Homer: Enough of what's out! What's in?
- Moe: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
- Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
- Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
- Barney: Where you going?
- Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
- Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!
- Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!
- Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey! I'm in too!
- Female Officer: (to Homer) Fifteen seconds to collision! We need a decision.
- Homer: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
- Captain Tennille: (while in the torpedo tube) Don't fire the torpedoes!
- Homer: Fire the torpedoes!
- Lisa: Be careful, Dad.
- Homer: Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. (begins imagining) Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
- Homer: You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable."
- Lisa: (to Homer) I think you're a hero, Dad!
- Homer: Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart. (to Bart) Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring. It saved us all.
- Bart: Hey, can I get a tattoo that says "Bite Me"? You never know when it might come in handy!
- Homer: I don't think so, son.
- Bart: King Cobra?
- Homer: No.
- Bart: Weapons-grade plutonium?
- Homer: Ask your mother.
- Bart: Knock-out drops?
- Homer: No.
- Bart: Ninja death stars?
- Homer: Maybe for Christmas.