- Chief Wiggum: (in the evidence locker) Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? (grabs a crossbow) Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.
- (Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters Lou)
- Chief Wiggum: Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
- Lou: Uh... Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah? Well, what does this mean? Skiddily bop and bah! (he runs outside the police station, gets into his patrol car and drives off)
- Bart: Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before... (they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face)
- Lisa: Too late.
- Bart: Oh, my treehouse sucks.
- Nelson: Haw-Haw! You have class envy!
- Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".
- Nelson: Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
- Mrs. Muntz: I don't got a dollar.
- Nelson: Haw-Haw!
- Marge: Do you want to practice your speech on me?
- Homer: (chuckles) No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.
- Marge: You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.
- Homer: What? No! She's the linchpin!
- Marge: It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.
- Homer: You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!" (Marge stares at him)
- Marge: I'm sure that'll be funny to them.
- Marge: Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.
- Bart: No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.
- Marge: Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.
- (A flashback shows Homer building the treehouse on a sapling)
- Homer: I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree. Get growing.
- Marge: I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?
- Bart: But you're an inside grownup. Moms can't build treehouses.
- Marge: You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!
- Bart: Sounds good.
- Homer: (at his speech) Aah! Uh... A... Webster's Dictionary defines... a speech... as a... series of... words that... elo... quently....
- Lenny: I've never seen anyone bomb like that.
- Carl: Yeah. I really feel badly for the guy.
- Lenny and Carl: Boo! Boo! (everyone boos Homer)
- Lisa: Dad, what's wrong? Did your speech go badly?
- Homer: How do you know something's wrong?
- Lisa: You're drinking from a can of corn.
- Homer: Hmm? Eh. (throws the corn can away and opens a can of creamed spinach)
- Lisa: Aw, Dad, do you know Barbra Streisand once forgot the words to a song and didn't perform in public again for nearly three decades?
- Homer: Yeah, but she still had James Brolin to cuddle.
- Improv. Group member: Okay, we're gonna perform a little improv. First we need a location.
- Professor Frink: Uh... Forty point seven degrees north latitude, seventy four degrees west longitude.
- Improv. Group member: Ah, yes, New York City. Now we need a relationship for me and Cathy here.
- Mayor Quimby: Loveless marriage!
- Improv. Group member: Okay, I heard loveless marriage.
- Lenny: These guys are pros!
- Carl: All they did was ask for two premises.
- Lenny: That's two more than you've asked for.
- Carl: (sighs) Oh boy.
- Improv Group member: New York City, loveless marriage, fear of public speaking.
- Lenny: They've pulled back the bow. Now let the arrow take flight.
- Carl: You know, I'm gonna move over a seat. (leaves the table)
- Homer: These guys do everything I can't! Maybe they can teach me.
- Marge: I don't know that they're interested in that.
- Improv. Group member: Five hundred dollars for the first eight classes.
- Marge: That's kind of expensive. Couldn't people just form their own groups for free?
- Improv. Group member: And scene! (the curtains close)
- City inspector: Excuse me. I'm from the city. (shows his badge to Marge) Are you aware that you live in a historical treehouse preservation district? May I see your permits?
- Marge: I don't have permits. (The inspector gasps) Don't worry! Don't worry! I'll take care of it.
- Lisa: I've gotta hand it to you, Dad. You went from fear of public speaking to starting your own improv troupe!
- Homer: Improv is exciting, but totally safe. Like driving a helicopter on the ground.
- Lisa: Um... That's not safe.
- Homer: Don't deny the premise. That's anti-improv.
- (Lenny, Carl, Homer and Seymour get on the stage for their improv. show)
- Lenny: Hi, everybody! We are Premises, Premises.
- Jeffery Albertson: (looking at his cellphone) Yes, it says on Google that there are five thousand and twelve improv groups with that name. (Lenny, Carl and Seymour run from the stage, abandoning Homer)
- Lenny: Take it, Homer.
- Bart: So, Tuesday is the treehouse warming. Nelson's gonna show us his mom's bra.
- Milhouse: (gasps) That's the thing that boobs touch. Whoa, automatic blinds. (picks up a remote control and closes the blinds)
- Bart: Yeah, I think my mom put those in. No need to thank her, she's just doing her job. (Marge hears Bart say that, drops a tray of cookies and walks back into the house)
- Marge: (nettled at Bart) Pass the gravy, Bart.
- Bart: (passes the gravy) Yo.
- Marge: Thank you.
- Bart: Geez, who ordered the crab?
- Homer: (gasps) There's crab?
- Marge: There's no crab. There's no "thank you's", no appreciation, nothing. (Gets up from the table and walks out of the dining room)
- Homer: Uh, who was that directed at?
- Marge: (from her bedroom) Bart!
- (Lisa gets a message on her phone)
- Lisa: Dad! Dad! The Springfield Fringe Festival just invited us to perform!
- Homer: Huh? What's a "Fringe Festival"? My guess would be it's a three-day series of performances by alternative comedy and music acts, including, but not limited to, improv, stand-up, light circus work and ironic burlesque.
- Lisa: We're gonna be on the main stage on closing night! This is going in my log! Yay!
- Homer: (chuckles) More crab for me.
- Marge: (from her bedroom) There's no crab!
- Bart: That apology speech you wrote worked like a charm, Pop.
- Homer: Your mother can't resist an apology that comes straight from the heart... Of this box. (puts the apology speech note on a box)
- Rev. Lovejoy's muppet: Hey, Reverend, why didn't the dinosaurs make it on Noah's Ark?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Ooh, I give up.
- Rev. Lovejoy's muppet : Because they didn't exist. (the audience laughs)
- Lisa: Dad, this festival encourages experimentation. Even failure.
- Homer: Oh... What if I don't fail?
- Lisa: Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am getting a helium balloon. That makes anyone funny. (in high-pitched voice) Be right back!
- (Moe finds Homer throwing up at an alley on the Fringe Festival)
- Moe: Homer, are you okay? You look exactly like Barbara Streisand did in 1967.
- Homer: I can't think of anything funny.
- Moe: Homer, Homer, relax, you're a riot! Remember how funny you was when you was the confident Cajun? Look, just let me feed you the prompt.
- Homer: Wait, you mean cheat at improv? What would Del Close say?
- Moe: He would say, "Do like Moe says, and shut the hell up!" Who's Del Close?
- Homer: Only the author of the best book I intend to read someday.
- Lisa: (on a high-pitched voice because of Helium) Dad! Are you cheating by planting suggestions?
- Homer: Maybe.
- Lisa: (gasps, making her voice go back to normal) Have you learned nothing from owning an unread copy of Truth in Comedy?
- Homer: It's either that or quit the show.
- Lisa: You can't let your troupe down! They need your space work, your strong choices, and scene-building skills.
- Moe: Hey, lay off your dad, huh? Everything that's supposedly spontaneous has already been planned, okay? Reality shows, uh, lip-sync singing, even... awards shows!
- Homer: No!
- Moe: Yes! That's why the losers don't show up.
- Homer: B... b... b... but they have scheduling conflicts!
- Moe: Yeah, right. Dave Franco has a scheduling conflict.
- Homer: No, no, I've heard enough! I refuse to use performance enhancing sugs! (rips off Moe's suggestions)
- Homer: (at his stand-up show) Okay, everyone! I'm Homer Simpson and I need an occupation!
- Dr. Nick: Cadaver salesman?
- Jeremy Freedman: Drive-thru cashier!
- Cletus: Uh, frog gigger.
- Luigi: Finger kisser! Mwah!
- Grampa: Nurse!
- Homer: You'll have to be more specific.
- Grampa: I need a nurse!
- Moe: Back alley Cajun!
- Homer: Mm-hmm! Ah...
- Lisa: A father I can look up to.
- Homer: Oh. Um... Uh... I hear drive-thru cashier!
- Lisa and Moe: You wha?
- Homer: Hello, welcome to "Down and Out Burger" Would you like fries with that? (audience laughs) A thousand? Sure thing, Mr. Brando! By the way, this is nineteen ninety two!
- Marge: And now we're gonna to do something a little special.
- Lisa: Our father is going to improv. Live answers to questions from the TV audience. It only took us twenty seven years to do what they could do in ninety fifty four.
- Bart: Homer, time to bomb.