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- Apu: This silver ticket entitles you to judge the pig competition at the Springfield County Fair.
- Homer: Judge a pig competition? But I'm no super genius! Or are I?
- Mr. Burns: (removes Pie Man's mask and gasps) Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes and tied a rubber band around the back.
- Homer: It's not a rubber band, it's a scrunchy.
- Apu: Let's see, Farmer Billy's Smoke-fed Bacon, Farmer Billy's Bacon-fed Bacon, Farmer Billy's Travel Bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!
- Homer: Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man.
- Bart: And wherever Pie Man is, the Cupcake Kid will not be far behind.
- Marge: While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?
- Homer: Please forgive me, Talking Llama!
- Burns: It's cobblerin' time!
- (Bart enters the house and groans)
- Homer: awn, Let's turn that frown upside down! (grabs Bart's feet and holds him upside down)
- Bart: Oh, Dad! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!
- Homer: All right (puts him back on the ground) What's wrong, son?
- Bart: Comic Book Guy made me pay for these comics he said I smudged, (gives the comics to Lisa) but I didn't even touch 'em!
- Lisa: Richie Rich Incorporates in Delaware. Easy to Believe Tales. Supergirl vs.The Glass Ceiling. The Green Listener?
- Bart: He was just trying to unload these crappy comics on a helpless kid!
- Homer: Somebody oughta take him down a peg, or should I say "down a pie"?
- Lisa: No, I think the expression is "peg".
- Homer: Maybe you're right, Lisa! Maybe you're pie! Pie be your pie!
- Kent Brockman: Pie! Popular pastry, tricky math thing and now sword of righteousness!