Homer [to Bart]: So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!
Bart: Yes, father. [butters his bacon]
Lisa: (walking in) Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over!
Homer: Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!
Bart: But, Dad, my heart hurts!
[Homer glares at him; Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it]
Richard Gere: I am dreaming of a free Tibet.
Lenny: We are dreaming of free sandwiches.
Carl: Hey, Richard, in An Officer and a Gentleman, did you really do all those sit-ups?
Richard Gere: I wish! I did one, and they just showed it a thousand times.
Marge: (cheerfully) Who wants some astro-lemonade?
Nerd: What precisely makes it "astro"?
Marge: Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this.
Kearney: Fixing this church should be our top priority. And I say that as a teenager and a parent of a teenager.
Marge: (whispering) Here she comes! And a-one, and a-two, and...
Family: (singing) We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish -- (stop as Lisa enters)
Marge: ...oh. Hello, Lisa.
Lisa: I just came down for a glass of water.
Marge: Oh. Well, you do have a present under the tree. I guess no-one told Santa you were a Buddhist.
Lisa: Well, Santa can take it back, because I'm not ruled by material desi-- (gasps when she sees the "present") Is that a pony!?
(Homer and Bart stand beside it)
Homer: I don't know what Santa left you! I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar. (holds out some sugar cubes to the pony)
Marge: Lisa, we love you, and we're not trying to put any pressure on you!
(She sets Maggie, carrying a candy cane, down on the floor, and nudges her with her foot. Maggie walks over to Lisa and holds out the cane.)
Lisa: (touched) Aww!
(Reverend Lovejoy peers through the living room window as Lisa takes the cane)
Reverend Lovejoy: Lick it! Lick it!
Lisa: (notices him) NO! (runs out of the house)
Lenny: Richard Gere! The world's most famous Buddhist!
Carl: What about the Dalai Lama?
Lenny: Who's the Dalai Lama?
Carl: You know, the 14th Reincarnation of Buddha?
Lenny: Who's Buddha?
Richard Gere: It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass!
Mr. Burns: This is Lindsay Naegle. Don't let the skirt fool you; she'll have this place making money in no time!
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You know, you say that so much it's lost all meaning.
Homer: The word un-blow-upable is thrown around a lot these days.
Bart: Hey, Lis, is Dad's credit card number 5784365343410709?
Lisa: You know it is.
Homer [singing to the tune of "Whip It" while flossing his teeth]: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great, you must floss it! Now, floss it! Floss it good!
Milhouse: I didn't know your dad was so interested in science.
Bart: Uh, he didn't say, "science." He said, "pie pants."
Homer: Mmmm, pie pants.
Homer [to Bart]: Son, we are about the break the surly bonds of gravity, and punch the face of God.
Reverend Lovejoy: People, we need some fund-raising ideas.
Marge: Let's just write to David Bowie again.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, he's done enough for this church.
[When the church is being re-designed]
Lisa: What are they doing to the church?
Lindsey Naegle: We're rebranding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse buy items.
Lisa: I feel like I want to throw up.
Lindsey Naegle: Then my work is done.
Reverend Lovejoy: And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners, especially Mrs. Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery, and now let us rise and, um, umm ...[scene goes to a control room where Mr. Burns and Lindsey Naegle look at Reverend Lovejoy on a monitor]
Lindsey Naegle: He's not going to say it.
Mr. Burns: Trust me, he'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers.
Reverend Lovejoy: And thank Crazy Larry, whose big-screen TV prices are insane-ane-ane! [chuckles weakly]
Lisa: That's it!
Homer: [whispering] Quiet, Lisa! Everyone in the store is looking at you.
Lisa: They should take a good look at themselves, and what their church has become. [the congregation gasps]
Reverend Lovejoy: Lisa, it's still the same basic message, we've just dressed it up a little.
Lisa: Like the Whore of Babylon?[the congregation gasps]
Reverend Lovejoy: That is a false analogy!
Lisa: No, it's not. It's apt. Apt! [everyone gasps] Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church?
Sideshow Mel: He restored it from nave to narthex!
Comic Book Guy: He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believer.
Patty: He put ice in the urinals.
Lisa: Those are all wonderful things, but they cost the church its soul. I for one will not be a part of it. [gets up and walks out]
Squeaky Voice Teen [as an usher]: Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in?
Lisa: No. I'm leaving this church forever! [walks out]
[When Lisa does her nightime prayers]
Lisa: Lord, I'm not turning my back on you. I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption. [Marge is hiding on the other side of the bed]
Marge: Why do you have to be so different? Always making a big deal out of everything? [makes a ghostly moan]
Lisa: Mom, I know it's you. I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers.
Marge: [sits up] Oh, honey, I'm worried about your soul. I want at least one person from this family to go to Heaven.
Lisa: I still believe in God. I just think there's another path to Him or Her.
Marge: Her?! [holds Lisa and looks up] She's just kidding, Mr. Lord!
[When Lisa is picking a new religion]
Bart: Still looking for a new faith?
Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
Bart: How about Methodist?
Lisa: No! Look, I'm not just going to pick a religion that seems cool. I'm going to pick one that's right for me.
Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
Jimbo [to Bart]: Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
Bart: Who cares?
Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
Jimbo: His name's Gunnar and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.
Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
Kearney: Hey, she came on to me.
Jimbo: Get him! [the bullies attack Kearney. Bart waits a moment and joins in]
[When Lisa is planting a tree in the backyard]
Marge: Hey, Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: I'm planting my own bodhi tree. If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace.
Marge: Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you?
Marge: Good. I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time.
Lisa: [begins meditating] Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum.
Marge: Oh, you're going to get a bath tonight.
[At the church council meeting]
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, next on our agenda: Marge Simpson's devil daughter.
Marge: She's not a devil. I just don't know what to do.
Flanders: Well, Christmas is coming, huh?
Reverend Lovejoy: Yeah, and Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree. [winks and taps his nose]
Marge: You think we can bribe her back with Christmas?
Reverend Lovejoy: [holds up a Bible] Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake ovens than with this 2 thousand page sleeping pill.
Richard Gere: Anyway, Lisa, your family didn't have to trick you. Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions, as long as they're based on love and compassion.
Lisa: [incredulously] Wha?
Richard Gere: It's true. So why don't you go home? I'm sure your family really misses you.
Lisa: I can really celebrate Christmas?
Richard Gere: You can celebrate any holiday. And, you know, my birthday is August 31st.
Lisa: Oh, I'll send you an e-mail greeting card.
Richard Gere: Sweet.
Homer: [carrying Santa's Little Helper] I did it! I found our dog! Now our Christmas is complete.
Marge: We were looking for Lisa.
Bart: I thought we were caroling.
[When Lisa comes back home]
Marge: You came back!
Lisa: Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
Homer: So you're back on the winning team?
Lisa: No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family, too.
Marge: So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?