|She Used to Be My Girl||
- [While Marge and Chloe are fighting]
- Homer: Ladies, there's no need to fight over me.
- Marge: No one's fighting over you!
- Homer: Oh... carry on.
- Homer: The only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. (his ankle bracelet beeps) I'm here, quit bugging me!
- Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
- Homer: It's a conversation-starter.
- Bart: Thinking is for losers!
- Marge: Evergreen Terrace, the street that smells like pee.
- Homer: Woo hoo! The circus!
- Lisa: The media circus.
- Homer: Woo hoo! I don't know the difference!
- Kent Brockman: This just in: I'm pissed off!
- Chloe: So, Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?
- Marge: Well, uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.
- Homer: I am sofa king fat!
- Bart: Mom, I want to be just like you. I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa.
- Homer: Pretend to care! (strangles Bart)
- Cookie Kwan: [to Mayor Quimby] Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child?
- Mayor Quimby: Er, uh… that is not my baby.
- Baby: [sounds like Mayor Quimby] Er, uh, waaaah!
- (While Homer and Marge at the women's conference)
- Marge: I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
- Homer: And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.
- Kent Brockman: Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night, or the weather girl wears a tube top! And if she doesn't, you win a pizza!
- Homer: What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.
- Homer (to Marge about Chloe): Oh, honey, her life can't compare to yours. You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink.
- Chloe: (knocking on trunk) Lisa, what are you doing in there?
- Lisa: Praying to Buddha, Jesus, Spongebob....there's no time to be picky!
- (In heaven, Buddha, Jesus, and Spongebob are looking down)
- Buddha: Perhaps we should help.
- Spongebob: Screw her! (does his crazy laugh)
- (Bart is sawing through the TV)
- Marge: Bart, stop that!
- Bart: This isn't what it looks like.
- Homer: Good news, Marge! I've learned to walk naked on stilts!
- Chloe: Mr. Mayor, Will you answer one question?
- Mayor Quimby: Only if is submitted in writing. (Chloe gives him a paper and he eats it) Checkmate!
- Lisa: There's lava under the ground.
- Chloe: Actually, lava underground is called magma.
- Lisa: You're so smart.
- Marge: Shut up!